Resentment to Forgiveness
My heart was polluted with resentment toward my husband who let me down, my in-laws who never supported our marriage, our friends who chose sides and my own family who were so quick to say “I told you so”. Abandoned and humiliated, I nurtured my bitter cynicism.
The impact of my own humble apologies astounded me as others reciprocated with the same and it gradually became feasible for me to let go of all the negativity and simply forgive myself for the things I wished I never did. From that new vantage point, I became able to gracefully forgive others without apology or restitution.
Guilt to Relief
Realising that I could no longer honor the life I was leading or keep the promises I made to sustain it, made me feel so guilty. I always felt that it was my responsibility to keep it all together, to make sure everyone was happy and I was failing miserably. The price my husband and my children would have to pay for me not being the best wife and mother became a tremendous weight on my shoulders.
It was only several years later, when I heard my children’s spontaneous laughter for the first time in ages, that I started believing in the decisions and choices I made. As I looked out the window and felt the relief emerging from my own gut, I knew that it was all for the better and the guilt slowly started to subside.
Shame to Pride
Of all the emotions, feeling ashamed of being divorced was probably the hardest. The shame of a mother letting her children down in the worst possible way, by choosing to divorce their father from their daily lives, was unbearable at times. Oh, the shame of not being able to hang in there and make it work. Giving up. The number of mistakes, misjudgments, missed opportunities and misgivings were so shameful I couldn’t bear to look ahead.
With time, however, the shame fertilized my inner growth, re-affirmed the vital importance of honesty, strengthened my compassion for mothers and fathers, committed me to always strive for better and chase an authentic, meaningful and mindful life.
My divorce broke down the shackles of the captivity of my own heart and mind and facilitated an overdue transition to true freedom. Freedom to learn, live and love.