The Depressed Rebellion!

 January 10, 2019

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ACCOMPLISHED??! ME??!!! WOMAN??!!! The source of all? The reason of reason? The womb? The heart? The GIVER! I need to work harder to prove competent of a MAN?! A man I give birth to? A man I feed in my embracing womb? A man I comfort and feed? A man I nurture and put before me? A man I support and hold in my mind and heart? A man I teach him about manhood? 

Dear Man, Tempting… 🙂 but no thank you. I don’t want it this life nor the strength that come with it. I have had my share and paid my dues. And I start begging GOD to pretty please let it END HERE and NOW.

I do not have the strength, the sense, the vision, the breath, the eyes, the heart or the mind for this. This illusion of a life. Torn between people who shall forget about me as soon as someone else fulfils my duties towards them. This Cold War zone I locked myself in trying to rise as a strong woman who is able to deliver with nobodies help. Because I lost count of how many times I was let down. 

I live the days supporting myself and others until none of this is my reality. Until these days come to an end. The days where making fun of others if entertainment. The days where fighting your brother over a girl is righteous. The days where pressuring others for your enjoyment is success. The days where men kill women and slaughter their offspring. The days where infidelity is bragged about and bare skin is fashionable. The day where you are either loaded with money or know someone who is. The days where your worth is evaluated by worthless measurers. The days where you are as good as your ass kissing. The days where things and people are only getting worse as they look better!! The days that consume me and do not define me. The days that are empty of empathy, love, trust, care or intuition. The days I long for a helping hand or backing voice. A warm wordless safe embrace.A flow of compassionate energy. A place where you will not be mocked for your hypersensitivity and acts of kindness. A place where there is room to breaths. A place where you hustle and don’t aimlessly run. A place danger is known and peace is an option. A place on earth were humanity is still possible. 
I am DEPRESSED AND SUICIDAL because I have achieved my dreams and come to the peak of my life to learn that with all it good sides and rewards it is not really for me. A life others pictured, spoke of and nested. A vision I obviously borrowed from pieces traded to me by family, friends and film makers; who think I should not learn to picture for myself as I see fit. I am after all a ‘girl’ ‘woman’ … unfit to fit or acknowledge what is fit. Dragged in this never-ending loop of theory and proof… I grow less and less interested in what those pictures and visions have to offer. This unfit so called ‘life’. 

I, WOMAN, herewith chose to no longer be: – the woman of a man’s dream- the subject of someone’s dispute – the daughter of my mother- the good girl in the family- the fair boss- the supportive friend- the inspiring power figure- the understanding being- the motivating colleague- the sexy mama- the old soul – the young spirit- the unique mind- the selfish human- the forever flowing energy of a giving in vain soul – a spirit in a human form seeking humanity in an inhuman persistent dimension so  limiting with its labelling, framing and belittling I will no longer be held accountable for what I do not chose. And I shall not chose what I do not with all my might desire. I will not be urged to be, act, show, behave or reflect what I am not!