So you wake up everyday, drag yourself out of bed and try to draw a smile on your face as you start another day in this life you can’t wait to leave.
Not a bad life at all but rather a very privileged one. A life of opportunities, good looks, health, career, some fame, friends, ample money, children and a great deal of not so long relationships.
A life where you beat the odds, the challenges, the tough times, the loneliness, the anxiety and the depression.
A life you managed to build and own from scratch with a few people giving a hand here and there. You have the faith, the believe, the trust and can read the signs.
A life os achievements and inspiring effects as they call it. A life many dream of and look up to. Even I, years ago dreamt and worked hard for this life. My life as I know it today.
Have I really had it all or have I had none?!
Approaching my 40ies as a single mom in Egypt, pulling my hair out in one job after the next trying to make a living and surviving one attempt of relationship after the next trying to build a family the questions nag me:
– where am I in all this?
– what’s in it for me?
– who is here for me consistently because they chose to?
– what have I done so big and so great that I will always be remembered?
– why do they see me phenomenal and I see me less than average?
– how come they are already fighting my success when all I see are approaches to do something?
– why did I not leave this place and explore the world?
– why have I not learnt that one thing I had passion for as a child?
– why did I not survive a marriage and raise 6 children?
– where is the big house with white curtains filled with baby giggles?
– where is the art I created?
– what people have I helped make better lives?
– where are my years?
– how come I am mourning the days and hours wasted?
– why am I so keen and eager to live a whole new full life like I have never lived before?
– have I lived to fulfil others visions and worked hard to never let them down and proving to be so able and reliable to only realise I was actually letting myself down every step of the way?????
-how could I do this to myself? Why do others matter more? Why do I not come first? Why did I not save myself?
I wake up crying… not wanting to move, do, hear to say… I don’t even want to be hugged!
They ask me what’s your problem? What’s wrong?
D E P R E S S E D I answer them. S U I C I D A L, T I R E D and H O P E L E S S
And they find it hard to believe… They deny my feeling and genuine vulnerability so they don’t become burdened to deal with it.
It is often the response of a male ‘Don’t say this. You are strong.’ As if while my strength bugs this person, they have grown so countable on it and the comfort is brings them to not have to play a role or fulfil a need. They would rather watch me burn as I juggle to fill in the gaps and tear myself apart and stretch too thin attempting to fulfil his prophecy of my ‘strong’. Be competitive, competent and strong. Focus on only what they want me to do and how they want me to live.
They urge me to deny my vulnerability because from it I regain my grace and power.
Every time I let myself be and crashed…I came back fuller and completed. I become less strong and with that my alluring strength transpires