So you wake up everyday, drag yourself out of bed and try to draw a smile on your face as you start another day in this life you can’t wait to leave.
Not a bad life at all but rather a very privileged one. A life of opportunities, good looks, health, career, some fame, friends, ample money, children and a great deal of not so long relationships.
A life where you beat the odds, the challenges, the tough times, the loneliness, the anxiety and the depression.
A life you managed to build and own from scratch with a few people giving a hand here and there. You have the faith, the believe, the trust and can read the signs.
A life os achievements and inspiring effects as they call it. A life many dream of and look up to. Even I, years ago dreamt and worked hard for this life. My life as I know it today.
Have I really had it all or have I had none?!
Approaching my 40ies as a single mom in Egypt, pulling my hair out in one job after the next trying to make a living and surviving one attempt of relationship after the next trying to build a family the questions nag me:
– where am I in all this?
– what’s in it for me?
– who is here for me consistently because they chose to?
– what have I done so big and so great that I will always be remembered?
– why do they see me phenomenal and I see me less than average?
– how come they are already fighting my success when all I see are approaches to do something?
– why did I not leave this place and explore the world?
– why have I not learnt that one thing I had passion for as a child?
– why did I not survive a marriage and raise 6 children?
– where is the big house with white curtains filled with baby giggles?
– where is the art I created?
– what people have I helped make better lives?
– where are my years?
– how come I am mourning the days and hours wasted?
– why am I so keen and eager to live a whole new full life like I have never lived before?
– have I lived to fulfil others visions and worked hard to never let them down and proving to be so able and reliable to only realise I was actually letting myself down every step of the way?????
-how could I do this to myself? Why do others matter more? Why do I not come first? Why did I not save myself?
I wake up crying… not wanting to move, do, hear to say… I don’t even want to be hugged!
They ask me what’s your problem? What’s wrong?
D E P R E S S E D I answer them. S U I C I D A L, T I R E D and H O P E L E S S
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