Telltale signs you are Lost in the Sea of Love
1) Can’t Leave Syndrome. You have this nightmarish feeling that the relationship is not right for you, but every time you think of leaving, the toxic emotional connection to the other person prevents you from doing so.
2) Roller-coaster effect. The relationship is never calm. At times, the Avoidant becomes available to the Anxious partner, allowing the Anxious partner’s intimacy button to relax and feel normal. This allows both partners to get close. As a result of getting closer, the Avoidant becomes uncomfortable, withdraws, and the Anxious is forced to drink a cocktail of negative emotions that lead to bat-shit crazy behavior. The Avoident’s drawing away has lowered the anxious person’s self-esteem and heightened their insecurity. Even if things do get resolved, both partners will be dissatisfied with the relationship.
3) Emotional Seesaw. Avoidants often inflate their self-esteem and sense of independence in relation to the extent of their partner’s incapability of being alone. This is why Avoidants don’t normally date each other – they never feel strong and independent in relation to someone who shares the same intimacy button as they do.
4) Stably unstable. Although the relationship may last through the highs and lows, a sense of uncertainty always persists. Since neither partners find a degree of intimacy either is comfortable with, a sense of chronic dissatisfaction will lurk in the relationship.
5) Meaningless Fights. These types of relationships breed fights about things that shouldn’t be fought about at all. Typically these insignificant fights are not about the minor problems, but rather the amount of intimacy between the partners.
6) Your Partner is the Enemy. The Anxious partner will feel like they are getting treated worse and worse -because they are – once they become close to the avoidant.
- If you are an anxious lover, I encourage you to 1) build your self-esteem by expanding your identity and social circle and then 2) seek a secure partner. If you do want to stay with your avoidant partner, you need to work on expressing yourself and establishing boundaries. Check out the Six Commandments of Vulnerable Communication and 4 Powerful Exercises That Make A Toxic Relationship Healthy. It will really help you.
- If you are an Avoidant lover who feels overwhelmed with intimacy, I encourage you to lean into the discomfort. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, and work with your runaway intimacy desires. You can change your attachment type to a more secure model by dating a secure person which will not only improve your intimate relationships, but also your life. A secure person will give you the space you crave. If you don’t want to date a secure, I would advise you to be patient with your anxious partner and tell them that it isn’t them that causes the need for space, it’s you. They may not believe this, so it may take work, but it will help you get the space you need.
This was originally published on Healthy Relationships with Kyle Benson
Want to find a healthy relationship that will make you feel loved, connected and valued? Get your free copy of my ebook Authentic Attraction: 5 Secrets To Finding Love That Last in my Passionate Relationship Toolkit here.