He does this partially because he perceives himself as low value and unworthy of love, and finds her lifestyle/value as more compelling than his own.But the other reason is his fear of being unloved. As a result he adopts this new value system as an emotional strategy in order to increase intimacy among his partner and him. His real motivation is fear, not love.
As anxious Alex finds ways to get emotionally close, Avoidant Alli initially loves the attention. Eventually, both Alex and Alli become extremely close.
I can tell you this feels amazing. It’s a natural high without the drugs. But over time, this closeness begins to feel suffocating to Avoidant Alli.
She begins craving space and distance. As a result, she deactivates her intimacy button by withdrawing and behaving in ways that puts space between them.
Anxious Alex recognizes this. He sees this distance as a threat to the relationship, and activates his intimacy button as a response.
He wants to keep the intimacy high going. Anxious Alex’s mind becomes a targeted missile with Avoidant Alli as the target. Because of his response, Anxious Alex’s anxiety causes him to panic, to feel insecure – like the world is ending. This is all an illusion, of course, but Alex’s biological and emotional luggage is creating such intense emotions that logic doesn’t exist.
This flood of emotion motivates Alex to behave in ways to get both Alli and him back up to that amazing intimacy high. So Alex starts texting her more frequently. He even shows up at her place unexpected. Alex’s dire need to resolve this emotional conflict causes him to use bat-shit crazy behavior.
4 text messages in an hour. Anxious Alex feels like his relationship with Avoidant Alli is fragile, so he begins to behave in ways to constantly prove to himself that she still loves him.
Sadly, the emotional frustration from Alex’s crazy behavior and Avoidant Alli’s dire need for space causes Alli to react in hostile ways.
She may shame Alex for acting crazy. She may tell him that she isn’t going to talk, text or see him for 3-4 days. This eats Anxious Alex alive. All he needed was for Avoidant Alli to get close to him, but the more intense the withdrawal, the more intense Anxious Alex’s thoughts are about making up for “his” mistake.
This conflict causes Alex’s intimacy button to hit overdrive and focus on all the amazing aspects of the relationship – oh, the memories! He becomes flooded with regret for the relationship’s recent fight. So he attempts to work things out.
Meanwhile, Avoidant Alli’s deactivated intimacy button causes her to focus on all of the bad things in the relationship. His crazy behavior. The amount of time he spends with her. His constant texting.
Due to Alex’s narrowed perception on rekindling the relationship, Alex is willing to compromise his needs to keep the partnership working. Since Alli is contemplating ending the intimate relationship, she wants compensation for entering back into it.