Does Your Relationship Have IDD? 10 Early Warning Signals and Steps To Heal

Does Your Relationship Have IDD? 10 early Warning Signals & Steps To Reverse It

No, it’s not a typo. We really did mean to write IDD rather than ADD. While IDD is a serious and potentially relationship-threatening condition, you won’t find it listed in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual).

IDD or Intimacy Deficiency Disorder is a widespread phenomenon that affects vast numbers of couples in America and other industrialized nations.

As the name implies, IDD refers to a deficit of intimacy in a primary relationship. As many couples have learned from their own experience, such a deficit can have profound consequences that can jeopardize the foundation of even long-term partnerships, often leading to deep resentment, apathy, hopelessness, boredom, disinterest, affairs, depression, addictive or compulsive behavior, and divorce.

Sometimes referred to as the “silent killer” because of its tendency to gradually and subtly insinuate itself into relationships, IDD often first shows up as a minor irritant or disappointment that is experienced by one or both partners.

If IDD is not acknowledged and addressed promptly, there is a strong likelihood that it will begin to erode the foundation of the relationship and do severe damage to trust, affection, appreciation, and other fundamental qualities that healthy relationships require in order to thrive.

As the name implies, this condition is caused by an inadequate amount of quality connection time in the relationship. While the word “intimacy” is generally associated with sexuality, relationships that are affected by IDD aren’t necessarily lacking in sexual relations.

Intimacy isn’t simply an experience that involves sexual or even physical contact.

In many cases, we’ve found that there can be an abundance of sexual engagement but very little deep emotional connection. While some people continue to maintain the discredited belief that having sex fulfills one’s intimacy needs, this isn’t necessarily the case. Although sex can provide a pleasurable experience that temporarily distracts both partners from the absence of genuine intimacy, it cannot fulfill the need for the emotional closeness that fulfilling relationships require in order to thrive.

If one partner cannot experience true intimacy (physical or non-physical) without compulsively sexualizing the connection, over time, the spirit of goodwill and openheartedness will deteriorate in the relationship.

Marriage researcher, John Gottman, has stated that relationships that are the most at risk are not the ones in which partners tend to have frequent arguments, but rather are those in which differences have not been adequately addressed and appropriate repairs work made that restore trust and support to what he refers to as the “fondness and affection system”.

When differences are unresolved, particularly over a long period of time, there is an accumulation of “incompletions”, otherwise known as “unfinished business”. When business is unfinished, it creates a major break in the couple bond.


Although few couples have difficulty in finding reasons for their failure to spend sufficient meaningful time together, these explanations are generally the symptoms rather than the causes of any underlying deficiency in intimate connection.

While there is no doubt that most couples are faced with numerous commitments, there may be other compelling factors that influence them to hold emotional intimacy as a low priority.

There can, for example, be resistance to emotional closeness if there is a fear that this experience could activate unresolved issues that might be letter left unspoken, particularly if there is a lack of confidence in the ability to successfully address unresolved issues.

There may be a fear of activating a relationship meltdown, or resistance to the states of the vulnerability and openness that intimate connections involve, or an unwillingness to risk jeopardizing the current homeostasis or balance of the relationship.

By the time the symptoms of neglect to the relationship have outwardly shown themselves, the damage can be extensive. The notion that no news is good news does not apply here. Just because there aren’t complaints being voiced, it doesn’t mean that a relationship is healthy and thriving.

By the time symptoms of relationship erosion are apparent, substantive damage may have already occurred. If there is a timely response to the warning signs of neglect, it’s possible to avert a potentially destructive breakdown.

Does Your Relationship Have IDD? 10 early Warning Signals & Steps To Reverse It
Does Your Relationship Have IDD? 10 early Warning Signals and Steps To Reverse It

Here are a few of the symptoms to be on the alert for:

1. A noticeable diminishment in the frequency and or enjoyment of sexual relations.

2. Preferring to spend a greater amount of time alone or with others, rather than with your partner.

3. A diminishment or disappearance of daily rituals like goodnight kisses, affectionate touch or hugs during the day.

4. Taking your partner for granted and not acknowledging them for simple acts of kindness and generosity.


Reasons Why A Narcissist Cannot Have A Deep Connection with anyone

A Narcissist Cannot Have A Deep Connection with anyone- Here’s why.

The proud, young and beautiful hunter, born of a river god and a water-nymph loved to disdain the affections of people who fell in love with him.

Nemesis, goddess of just-desserts, on seeing this attracts him to a pool of water where he sees the image of his own beautiful face and sits gazing at it, soon losing his mind over his own beauty and failing to perceive that what he saw was but an illusion.

In time he withered away and died, only to be metamorphosed into a flower that bore his name, blooming by the waterside, still gazing at its own reflection.

This was, in brief, the story of the hunter Narcissus from whom springs the term “narcissism”. As very evident from the story, narcissism is an overt obsessive fixation about one’s own self, one’s own physical appearance and the public perception and admiration of the same.

It can be extrapolated to a general sense of superiority and a need to prove it even if it doesn’t make sense. Also, like mentioned before, narcissism is also partly about fixating on the public approval/admiration of oneself. Rejection is something that narcissists can’t handle.

This condition is often times damaging to any relationship, but is especially bitter when it comes to a romantic one since the success of a romantic relationship is highly dependent on mutual equality and mutual approval.

As a matter of fact, it can be much worse than just an unhappy relationship; Abusers and narcissists do share quite the set of characteristics.

Firstly, none of them are particularly empathetic.

Secondly, they are both control freaks. Having the upper hand is always on the top of their lists.

Thirdly, and this is especially organic to a narcissist’s character, they are self-absorbed.


The worse part is, it is very difficult to make distinctions:

Both start off with a lot of charisma (which is after all the appeal of a narcissist in the first place)


slowly undergo changes that exhibit their insidious nature.

Women dating narcissistic men often misconstrue such signs of obsession to be signs of deep love and caring. A good example would be the jealousy directed towards male friends. What the woman should ideally see is the man sizing down the opposition and not them being “passionately in love”.


Extrapolating from this, narcissists are also highly likely to be domestic abusers. Kent State University researchers suggest that “the anger, hostility, and short fuse that accompany a man’s narcissism tend to be directed toward straight women.”

They go on to say that “narcissistic men can become enraged when they are denied gratification… including when people reject them.”

According to a University of Munster research (2017), narcissists inflate their self-love in two ways; the researchers christened it “NARC”: The Narcissistic Admiration and Rivalry Concept.

The Admiration aspect of it deals with social admiration and the taste for the positive outcomes of such acceptances. The Rivalry aspect deals with the inability to accept someone else as the center of attention and to cope with it by constantly trying to outdo others, in an unhealthy way.

Both these qualities make narcissists extremely difficult emotional and romantic partners.

A simplistic explanation for this would be the innate lack of trust in a narcissist. He/she cannot trust someone in a close relationship and as a result, he/she makes it difficult for the other to survive in it.

No individual can feel good about themselves all the time and despite their desperate efforts, neither can narcissists. However, they try their best to hide their vulnerabilities and weaknesses.

So in a way, it is not the superiority complex that defines the narcissist; it is the intensity with which he/she hides their weaknesses.

It is also the reason behind narcissists rarely seeking help or therapy: Exposing their flaws can be quite the challenge for them.

Moreover extending from the NARC model and the rivalry aspect, the sense of intense competition and the need to be on top cuts any possibility of trusting in a relationship short making it problematic and difficult.

And extrapolating this same thread, it is difficult for narcissists to make commitments in relationships that call for it.

8 Most Common Mistakes That End Even The Happiest Relationships

Some common mistakes that can end even the happiest relationship.

Everything in this world is temporary and relationships are no exception.

It’s all about what we make out of the time that we spend together. Some relationships last until death do the people apart while some fall apart when a chaos in the form of misunderstanding or repeated arguments enter their lives. No one is perfect; everyone makes mistake and even the strongest of people fall for this.


There are few wrong steps that might take one towards the end of relationship they cherish so much.

1. Too high expectations

There are many instances where the high expectations from hopeless romanticism have taken relationships down the cliff.

Relationships are not easy, they never promised to be. Despite being committed to someone we have a life which comes bundled with responsibilities and dreams. It’s not possible to always be all romantic and live your life to keep impressing the other.

Sometimes we end up expecting way more from our partner and they don’t always stand up to the expectations. The disappointments caused in this process slowly poison your relationship.

Let your partner be and if you want to expect something from someone do it for yourself. A relationship is not a piece of cake, of course, a relationship is supposed to make you happy but you need to put in your efforts and dedications for that.


2. Cheating/lying

No! it’s not okay to lie a little. No matter how bad it is but you will always speak the truth.

Lie no matter how big or small is a lie at the end of the day, it shows that you don’t trust your partner enough to tell them the truth and also they should not put their faith in you.

Loyalty and honesty are pillars of a relationship. You cannot just lie and cheat on your partner and expect your relationship to keep going smoothly. There is nothing as bad as cheating in a relationship.


3. Not giving time to your partner

Sometimes, when you really are deep in the midst of a bad relationship, you don’t even acknowledge one another.

You always need to remember that it’s no more just ‘you’ or ‘me’ is ‘we’ and ‘us’ now. Even the strongest of relationships lose its magic when they don’t share enough time together.

The relationship is not a noun but a verb, it requires efforts, dedication and your time. If you’re someone who cannot afford to give your time to someone, you better don’t get into a relationship. After all, time is the most precious of gift you can give to someone.


4. Pushing yourself on your partner and being depended on them for happiness

“You cannot pour anything from an empty cup.”

If you’re not happy and content yourself, it’s wrong of you to expect someone else to do it for you. There are times one partner gets deeply involved in a relationship and starts seeking the source of happiness in others, this leads you nowhere but in a world of expectations and disappointments.

Be happy as you are, for who you are and for what you have been through. When you’re happy, you can make your partner happy and you will have a long lasting and healthy relationship.


5. Allowing the past haunt your present

The past should be where it belongs, i.e in the past. You don’t live there anymore.

Maybe you’ve been through some really rough times but your partner is not responsible for that, if he/she is trying to make you happy, putting in efforts you should at least respect that. Don’t let the demons from past haunt your present.

You need to move on. Not being able to move on and letting the past disrupt has ruined many relationships. Take your time to heal and move on and once you’re done then get into a relationship and let no memories or anything from the past interfere with your present life.


6. Giving up early

Trusts broke, misunderstandings arise and sometimes situation forces you to do things which you never expected you would do.

It doesn’t mean the trust and faith cannot be restored. If you love someone enough then that love can mend almost anything in this world. Give your partner a chance.