How A Narcissist Looks At Life And You

How A Narcissist Looks At Life And You

‘I will control your mind and free-will so that you start to think that you no longer have a mind of your own.”

(In a nutshell from a narcissist’s point of view)

When you first become entangled with me, you will always belong to me.  You become mine, my property, to do with as I see fit.  Your opinions, hopes, and dreams are immaterial to me.  You need to stop thinking of yourself and put my needs above all else.  Give me all your time, attention and admiration or there will be hell to pay.  Your hell, not mine.

In the beginning, you were the center of my world.  Soon I will be the center of yours.

You will learn to accept my version of the truth.  I will never be responsible when things go wrong, and believe me, they will.  It’s inevitable.  Don’t expect me to ever accept blame.  It will never be my fault.  I don’t make mistakes.  Instead, I will shift the blame on to you each and every time.

I will manipulate you into thinking the way I do.  I will control your mind and your free will so that you start to think that you no longer have a mind of your own.

You will become so confused that you start to doubt your own reality, your very sanity and the ability to trust yourself will be slowly eroded.

I know who is good for you and who is not.  If your friends and family are not on my team, you will be urged, manipulated and eventually forced into discarding them.  When you have isolated yourself from your friends and family, you will be completely at my mercy, having no one but me, to turn to for support.

I will read your mind.  I know what you are thinking even when you don’t know yourself.

I am above the law.  Normal rules apply to everyone else, not me.  What was once yours, now belongs to me.  What is mine, is mine.  If I want something I will have no qualms in taking it.  Borrowing is another word for permanent possession, mine.

I will control your happiness or lack thereof.  You will not be happy unless that happiness is brought about by me.  I will control your moods so that my shame becomes yours.

Do not set boundaries.  I will see those as barriers to be torn down and crossed and I will succeed.

Do not ever question me on where I am going or what I am doing.  You have no right to know.  Never criticize me for my behavior.  My behavior is always above reproach.  If you can’t accept that, then you have no place within my fold.

Whatever you do for me will never be enough.  You could have done more or have done better.  That’s just the way it is and will always be.  Don’t expect gratitude from me.  I will always be dissatisfied with your efforts.  When you see my dissatisfaction, you will try harder and harder to please me and do a better job next time.  I am pulling your strings and you don’t even know it.  To see your never-ending struggle to please me amuses me for a time.  I deserve special treatment, you couldn’t rise to the challenge and failed to meet what was expected.

The goal posts never remain static.  They will be moved again and again to meet my unreachable expectations.

I will continually put you down so that you are no reflection of who you once were.

If I move on or if you leave me, I will show you how insignificant you were to me, as I move on to someone else as if you never existed.

I reserve the right to come back to you when I see fit.  You will receive me with open arms as I come back into your life for a while.  Nothing in life is permanent.

If I lose control over you, I will control how other people see you.  I will let people know how you hurt me and they will believe me because I have already sowed the seeds.

Never cross me.  I will never forget and I will never forgive.  I will get my revenge.

8 Things To Do To Keep Your Man

8 Things To Do To Keep Your Man

 

“You are the light in a dark place. You are the water to my drought. You are everything I never knew existed and everything I wanted all at the same time.” ― Shelly Crane, Catalyst.

A lot of relationships start like fairy-tales in the beginning but become sour with time. It’s not always because the guy is cheating; often, knowingly or unknowingly, we ourselves make it complicated. So if you are lucky girl who has found her Mr. Right and wants to keep him, we have some tips for you:

(1) Be honest and trust him:

Honesty is the key to every successful relationship. Be honest with him; tell him if you made a mistake. What a man wants in his woman is honesty. Also, trust him and make him feel that vibe. It will help you strengthen your bond.

 

(2) Be supportive:

Give him your support. Let him know that you are there even if the world goes against him. Usually men don’t open up like women but by appreciating things he’s doing or new things he wants to do, you are sending the vibe that you are there for him.

 

(3) Stay calm:

Men usually want to stay away from impulsive reactions. They enjoy peace in their lives. So, try to keep your calm. Control your hyper-activity. Don’t let those emotional outbursts ruin the relationship. Breathing exercises or yoga are helpful.

 

(4) Make him your priority:

You might have a wonderful career or a very busy social life but don’t fail to make him your priority. Every man wants that. Even you would want to have the same in your life. The more you give him importance, the more he will appreciate you.

 

(5) Be affectionate and caring:

Care and affection is something we all crave for in a relationship. Men appreciate caring partners. They like it when their women don’t feel ashamed of showing their care and concern.

 

(6) Use sex for romance, not for battering:

sex is for heating up the romance; don’t use it for making him do things he wasn’t willing to do. Men don’t like getting battered.

 

(7) Be smart and humorous:

While looks are important, men also want their women to be smart and witty. Show your intelligence often. Use your wits to spark a laughter. This will make your relationship interesting.

 

(8) Love yourself and be self-confident:

Until and unless you don’t respect yourself, nobody is going to respect you. If you are confident of yourself, your man will give you that respect. Don’t seek validation from him. He’s not there to boost your self-confidence.

 

(9) Always be kind:

A kind woman always attracts a man. Showing kindness not on just him but rather on everybody will make him feel proud to be your man.

 

(10) Keep the romance alive:

Always keep the romance alive in the relationship. Give him a kiss while he’s working in the room or steal a kiss from him; surprise him with handmade stationary items or cards or home-cooked food. Flirt with him. Such romantic gestures will draw him closer to you.

 

(11) Keep your secrets to yourself:

Don’t share your secrets with your girlfriends. If he comes to know, he will feel uncomfortable. You might not like certain things but discuss them with him, don’t share them with others. He will love and respect you for that.

Give him all the love and he will remain true to you always!


 

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8 Things To Do To Keep Your Man

 

6 Feelings That Sociopaths and Narcissists Leave Behind

6 Feelings That Sociopaths and Narcissists Leave Behind

After a relationship with a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath, everything is chaotic.

You will be left with an unending void that nothing will be able to fill. These people totally leave your spirits broken. But once the dust settles, you’re likely to find a bunch of lingering psychological/emotional/mental issues that will require your persistent attention to heal.

A lot of these things feel really uncomfortable and trick you into focusing on external assistance. But they are the scars left on the inside. Mental health issues take longer time to heal but once you go through the recovery process, you will be able to get back to normal life style.

Sometime the mere removal of these toxic people is the first step to reaching a healthy mental state.

After being in a poisonous relationship with a toxic person, these are the 6 feelings that you will be left with:

1. Jealousy

After being compared, triangulated, and replaced with other people, it’s completely normal to feel jealous. By default your external focus is to criticize the people you were compared with because this criticism makes you feel better. You will only focus on these people’s negative qualities and circumstances where they were left defeated.

But this, you must remember is a temporary solution to your burn inside. This constant comparison to make yourself feel greater than the other person doesn’t resolve the inner problem, which is a deep sense of rejection and inadequacy.

When we allow ourselves to break and soften, we can nurture the parts of ourselves that actually need help.

 

2. Resentment

Mostly any psychological path will outline the reasons why resentment is unhealthy for the body, mind, and heart. Psychopaths behave in ways that are beyond infuriating. I think it would be bizarre not to carry resentment after an encounter with them.

However, the problem is, resentment (like envy) blocks us from love and attachment. It blocks us from seeing positivity in anything; it doesn’t allow us to be optimistic. It protects our actual internal hurt and pain with a false externally-focused energy.

Mindfulness and spirituality are effective ways to approach resentment.

Try regarding your resentment with unconditional love, soothing yourself with a kind, non-judgmental voice that says: “This is allowed”. Accept that it is understandable to feel resentment and have feelings of loathing after someone has broken your trust.

Let the negative energy within you, flow outward. Write it down on your journal or just spit it out to your close people. The more you do this, the easier it will become to release your resentment to that loving voice.

 

3. Shame / Humiliation

A lot of survivors publicly implode during and after their relationships. Ranting and raving about their evil ex, cyber stalking, starting websites, becoming somewhat delusional/grandiose in the quest for “exposure”. Honestly, when things calm down, you’ll probably look back and hate yourself for reacting so immaturely.

Self-forgiveness is so important for letting go of the past and allowing you to move forward. These behaviours reflecting insecurity, is a textbook example of how someone behaves when he/she is deeply damaged.

When you start to understand this, you can put down the battle axe and turn your attention inward, where it is required.

Failed Relationships Come Down To One Basic Trait: According To Studies

Failed Relationships Come Down To One Basic Trait: According To Studies

We always expect our partners to just “know” what we want from them. That’s how we know they love us, right?

Wrong.

That is actually where most relationships go wrong, ironically. Thanks to unrealistic expectations that popular culture has created over the years, the idea of love and the perfect understanding partner is somewhat distorted in our minds.

Psychologists have been trying to de-mystify the reasons behind failed relationships for ages, or so it seems but are no closer to finding an answer. But in a rather interesting article by psychologist Katherine Schafler published in the Business Insider, she conjectures that

the root of most broken relationships is simply an inability to communicate through the “language of love”.

 

The language of love isn’t a specific language per se, not a tongue we speak in with our friends, family or colleagues. It is instead, an expression of love and intimacy and how we communicate those feelings with the people we love. It is a pity however that we have a tendency to take people’s emotions for granted, which creates a barrier in communication and give and take of intimate true love.

We might “expect” our partner to know what we like, and “expect” them to pleasantly surprise us by bringing us a gift or a token of their love, let’s say flowers or chocolates, but that is a lot of expectations we’re having in our mind. Failure of fulfillment of such expectations can result in resentment and misunderstandings.

 

Being Practical Is Not Unromantic.

In lots of cases, partners don’t express their likes and dislikes freely in fear of sounding demanding, but at the same time, expect their partners to decipher subtle hints that they throw out from time to time. That is a very vague move and prone to be overlooked. We have to be open about what we expect of our partners, and be specific about what we appreciate. And no, that does not make the gesture any less romantic, instead there is a chance they are able to reach out to you more when they know what you really will like, instead of lingering on in an abyss of uncertainty.

 

They Do Care; They Just Have a Different Way of Showing It.

As we mentioned earlier, the language of love isn’t a specific language; different people express it in different ways. Some people show their love by giving gifts, some people like to prove their love through their actions, some through words- be it offering compliments or proclaiming their love or just pouring their hearts out to the people they care about, some people prefer their physical intimacy to speak for them and some prefer to show their love by spending time with them and integrating them in their lives.

The glitch is, two people in a relationship may not speak the same language to express their love. That is where the trouble arises. One of them may give the other personalized gifts, or say that they love them, but if there is no reciprocity in a similar language, the relationship sours. The other person might be trying to express themselves by doing nice things for you, or be physically intimate but if that is not your language of love, there is a miss.

 

So, what’s the point?

The point is, we all want to be loved in a certain way. And we treat others the way we would like to be treated. It’s mostly a kind of mirror-effect we’re talking about. For example, if you wanted your partner to not watch television while having lunch and talk to you instead, you’d do the same. But conversely, you might imbibe your partner’s bad habits too, even if you disapprove of them.

So it’s important to analyze what message you’re sending to your partner, and be aware and observant to receive the signs they send too. Maybe your partner likes lunch dates, but not expensive gifts like you do. It isn’t fair to expect them to know that, and you both have to speak out and understand each other’s language of love, for the relationship to sustain and flourish.


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Failed Relationships Come Down To One Basic Trait: According To Studies

If She Has Even Half of These Qualities You Should Definitely Marry Her!

If She Has Even Half of These Qualities You Should Definitely Marry Her!

1. She is Smarter Compared to You

Real men are those who appreciate beauty with brains instead of running away for the sake of male ego. The smarter she is, the more you get to know new things and acquire knowledge.

 

2. She Values Truthfulness

She values honesty and never tries to hide anything from you no matter how bitter the truth may be. She know truthfulness is equal to maturity and she in this was shows the courage she has.

 

3. Positivity in Every Sphere

People these days tend to get depressed very easily, because search for happiness never stops. But she always has that positive vibe in her no matter what is going on in her life. She spreads the vibe of optimism around all the time.

 

4. She knows Meaning of Adjustment

Relationship these days are not valued enough, since people have become selfish. But if she is different who is ready for adjustments just to well maintain the relation, she is realistic and she will always put efforts.

 

5. Cheerful enough to Turn Serious Situations Upside Down

People have many reasons not to smile enough these days. But when it comes to her she is always cheerful and cracking funny jokes. It is with her you would find most of the time laughing your heart out. When she also finds your jokes humorous, you get a pleasant feeling of making her smile.

 

6. Broad Minded and Accepts New Thinking

Broad minded does not only mean accepting new way of thinking. It also means she has the patience to listen to other people’s opinions and thoughts, even when they do not match with her way of thinking. She would also respect your views and perspective.

 

7. She has a Particular Aim in Life

She knows the meaning of aim; her aims are the ones which drives her actions. She is a very hard working person when it comes to fulfill her dreams. This is the reason she would also want you to pursue your dreams, because an aimless person reaches no where in life.

 

8. She has a Sorted Family Life

When someone has issues within family, they go through a lot of psychological turmoil. That turmoil affects other relation too. So if she has a sorted family life with a happy parents-daughter equation, she would know how to maintain environment at home.

 

9. She is Generous in Nature

These days honesty, kindness, morality are lacking in people. So if you find her being generous, even when it means sacrifice to a great extent, she is genuinely a person who is good at heart.

 

10. She knows how to Handle Disagreements

Relationships include disagreements. Maturity is when she knows how to handle them with proper words. She does not let her emotions control her mouth. She has the capability to push away grave situations.

 

11. She is Exactly Herself When You are Around

She does not like pretending anything, honesty is her key morality. When she is around you she likes to show her raw soul too you without the fear of being judged.

 

12. She respects Social Life

She is a girl with aim and independent also. This is the reason she respects social life other than relation. She does not always need you to prove her your loyalty by sticking around her.

 

13. She Knows The Fact No One is Perfect

She knows that every individual has flaws and imperfection makes human. She understands you in this respect and never sets up any long list of expectations from you.

 

14. She knows to Let Go

Relationships never go smooth, you ought to have arguments. But she never drags past events in present just to stretch the problems.

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If She Has Even Half of These Qualities You Should Definitely Marry Her!

 

If They Are Failing To Feed Your Soul In These 6 Ways They Aren’t Your Soulmate

If They Are Failing To Feed Your Soul In These 6 Ways They Aren't Your Soulmate

The 6 Ways In Which Soulmates Nourish Your Soul

Soulmates are about much more than simple instant gratification. They are here to help you in your personal growth and nourish you. All of them will have these 6 signs in common and if you can’t relate these to your partner, then sadly, it implies that they are not really the one to be called soulmates.

 

1 Giving you validation for your feelings even if you don’t ask for it 

They pay attention to how you feel and react accordingly. They’ll be jubilant when you have achieved something in your workplace and will be equally outraged when life hasn’t been fair to you. They will not belittle or negate your experiences or anguish and will give each thing as much attention as you would have.

If instead your partner is someone who constantly makes fun of your emotions or feelings, someone who constantly says that you are making a big deal out of nothing, you better look for the next exit. If they constantly make you feel like you have to apologize for everything you do and feel, then they are definitely not nurturing and helping you grow. Constantly belittling you and making you feel inferior is not the sign of a soulmate; much less a good one. Do not let such people have any control or say in your life.

 

2 Giving you priority over other things

All of us are busy with our own trials and tribulations. And everyone has their plates full to the brim. But, we make time for the things that matter to us and have no doubt about it, if they treasure you, they’ll make you a priority. Meetings and appointments aside, there is no reason why any of the partner should feel like the second fiddle in a relationship.

If your partner cannot seem to be able to find time for you that means that they do not value you enough to do so. Do not spend your time and energy on someone who wouldn’t even give you the time of the day. Remember that you are not a toy, to be brought out according to convenience. You should be made a priority by your partner because that is what you deserve.

 

3 Helping you to grow and evolve

The only people worth having around are those who support you and encourage you to always achieve more than what you thought possible. They are the ones who are rooting for you to succeed and are also there to comfort you when you don’t. This applies to the soulmate as well. A true soulmate is one who helps you realize your hidden potential. They encourage you to look deep within yourself and sometimes recognize talent which you didn’t know about yourself.

Day in and day out they encourage you to be better than who you were yesterday. If they are not encouraging your growth or helping you realize your hidden potential, then they are not your soulmates. A soulmate will never let you be the mundane, making by with whatever is the bare minimum. They want you to excel in every way and they will make sure that you do. They will be critical of you when you lag behind and give you a hand when you need it, but they will make sure that you reach the top.

 

4 Giving you your own space

All of us need our own space and not all the partners are comfortable with it and/or realize its importance. Although you might be a couple but you are still individuals who have their individual likes, dislikes, hobbies and social circle. Neglecting all of that in the favor of each other’s company, all day everyday is neither healthy nor will it do anything to make the two of you grow fonder of each other.

The two partners have to be mature enough to understand that everyone has a life of their own and trust each other to love it to the fullest without forgetting all about them. If both the partners can come to a consensus on how much space they need to grow and thrive as individuals, and then not begrudge each other for that, they will definitely not face any altercations or problems in life. Personal space is a necessity and not just a luxury; so don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

10 Things You MUST Know About Relationships

10 Things You MUST Know About Relationships

Life has a way of answering questions you didn’t even ask. As I reflect upon my adult life so far, I find this to be especially true when it comes to relationships. From being the recipient and the perpetrator of heartbreak, to cyclically selecting the wrong type, to over expectation, to self-doubt, to romantic bliss… the list is seemingly endless on the ways I have grown in my understanding of relationship dynamics.

While I’m sure there is still plenty of room for self-sabotage and reflective growth, this is a list of 10 nuggets of wisdom I am happy to have shaped from my experiences thus far. I share this with the hope it will resonate with some of you, maybe even help; these are messages I have found in the mess.

 

1. Healthy relationships come from within.

Just because you are available for a relationship doesn’t mean you are ready for one. If you’re not comfortable enough with yourself or with your own truth when entering a relationship, then you’re not ready for that relationship. Don’t make the other person suffer for your own lack of integrity or inability to embrace the truths of your life.

 

2. Heartbreak may mean the end of a relationship, but it’s not the end of love.

Know this… life is too short to not kick fear in the ass and allow yourself to love again. People may call you a “hopeless romantic.” Be confident in knowing that you can be a romantic without being hopeless. There are good people out there; and that at least one of them is right for you. Don’t let your pain, fear, or anyone convince you to settle for less.

 

3. When entering into a personal relationship, be honest from the start.

Believe me when I tell you that I know it’s tempting to lie and smear the truth, but it never helps. It’s simply better to be honest from the start. The feeling of disappointment that comes with the realization that you are incompatible is much better than the feeling of pain and betrayal that comes with finding out that either of you (or both) are full of crap.

 

4. For a great love, cultivate a great friendship.

Endless love is fueled by endless friendship. If you want to have the greatest romance ever, have the greatest friendship ever. Cultivate it; do not let your friendships die. Remember, it’s not a lack of love that destroys relationships; it’s usually a lack of friendship.

 

5. Be comfortable… but not too comfortable.

Sometimes the comfort of being in a relationship lulls you into mundane complacency; you become irrelevant in each other’s lives. We call this phenomenon growing apart. Don’t let this happen to you. Keep the spark alive. Flirt. Be on your best behavior. Keep interested in each other. Go on dates. Keep the passion going. Express your appreciation. Be a good friend. The true dynamic of a successful friendship and relationship is when the respect is mutual and reciprocal.

 

6. Have a funeral for past relationships.

Think of how liberating it would feel to have a funeral for past relationships and drama. Take the time to look back and give the past its proper recognition. Reflect upon what you can learn from your experiences; the good, the bad, the pretty, the ugly. Learn and move on. Recognize past relationships for their impact on your life and most importantly, recognize them for what they are… gone. Let go.

 

7. Don’t try to control other people’s behavior.

It is a tremendous burden to attach yourself to outcomes and behaviors you simply don’t control. The only control you have is your own behavior, and that’s tough enough to control. What chance do you think you have of controlling other’s? Free yourself from such fruitless stressors. Instead of trying to control the behaviors of others, set a standard in your own life. Refuse to be disrespected, lied to, or mistreated. Set standards of personal behavior and standards of what you accept from others. Setting standards for yourself is a healthy and effective way to avoid the fruitless burden of trying to control others.

 

8. We live in a multidimensional world. Don’t live a one-dimensional love.

If you love someone… feel it, speak it, show it, be it. Do more than tell them… show them. Let them feel your dedicated respect and your unwavering devotion. Ensure that your commitment and passion are known and unquestionable. Show them what they mean to you… what they are to you. And… if you don’t feel inspired to show your love in this multidimensional manner… be kind enough to let them go… so they can find someone who will.

7 Things You Must Do To Be A Better Relationship Partner

7 Things You Must Do To Be A Better Relationship Partner

Do you want to be a better relationship partner?

Love can do wonders. Or if I say it specifically, loving the right one can do wonders. Perhaps there is no definite explanation of what a “right person” looks like. The truth is that there are going to be struggles with everyone. You just have to settle down with the one who is worth all the battles. Nobody is perfect, but love is finding perfection in something absolutely imperfect and making it work out. Here are a few of the ways you can be the better one in your relationship.

1. Silence your mind

No, nobody is asking you to be dumb in love. What we’re asking you to do is breathe and take love as it comes. Often we are so stuffed with all the past experiences and already set expectations that we lose out on the essence if its authenticity.

It’s good to set standards and not settle down for less but just remember that it’s never going to be perfect with anyone because if it is then probably it isn’t real. Let your heart feel whoever it wants to and just let your brain process into a conclusion. Never try to silence your feelings. They will always come out in uglier ways.

 

2. Don’t react instantly

Anger is one of the most aggressive and damaging emotions of all. Yes, you and your partner will not always agree on one thing. You both are different individuals which is why it’s ok to have certain differences. In moments when you both don’t agree on one particular thing, don’t jump to conclusions.

Think about it when you’re in a calm state of mind and try to look at things from their point of view. I know it’s always easier said than done but it’s also true that a calmer mind will always come up with better and more meaningful solutions. When we are angry, we are so dedicated to proving ourselves right that we start looking for every evidence that supports our wording. Hence, take your time and don’t rush into conclusions.

 

3. Exchange favors

Exchange favors with your partner often. This will bring you two emotionally closer and also increase your comfort level around them. Exchanging favors is more than just taking help. It has a greater influence on your relationship. It makes your partner feel like they play an active role in your life and that you really need them. To know that someone needs you in their life is honestly one of the most overwhelming feelings ever.

 

4. Sleep when stressed

Our generation is known to have a very fast life. Every 1 out of 3 people are stressed these days. It could be about anything- work, family, financial issues or even health. When people are stressed they tend to take rash decisions. This is often because their mind is tired of thinking about a particular problem and they end up taking out its reaction to their relationship. Don’t do that.

Sometimes in the heat of the moment, we end up doing and saying hurtful things. Remember that words can’t be taken back once they are already said. So in such situations, don’t go too hard on yourself. Sleep. Yes. Sleeping will provide peace and rest to your overworked mind. And once your mind has had enough rest it can differentiate between right and wrong and will also help you in making proper decisions. This will, in turn, make you a better partner in a relationship.

9 Reasons She’s Going To Leave You For Another Man

9 Reasons She’s Going To Leave You For Another Man

There are lots of different reasons why people break up. Do you wonder if she is going to leave you for another man?

“I’m guilty of giving people more chances than they deserve but when I’m done, I’m done.”
Turcois Ominek.

You are probably wondering how could she leave you!

Things seemed so perfect and you never got an inkling she was going to leave. But yes, she did. You probably might not have realized it because things seemed fine from your end but the issues did exist, most of them in things you did.

You probably couldn’t get the inkling and she got tired of trying to tell you and eventually decided to leave. While it’s difficult to generalize why women leave, here are 9 things which are common to most of the cases:

(1) You don’t give her space:

Possessiveness is good but over-possessiveness makes one feel claustrophobic in the relationship. She must have been feeling suffocated and chained in the relationship and decided to set herself free.

 

(2) You are not being honest:

You are probably lying to her too much and in most of the cases, she has been catching you. Honesty is a key element in sustaining a relationship. If you are not honest, then your partner is bound to leave you.

 

(3) You have frequent mood swings:

We all have emotions but being moody is not a sign of behaving like a responsible adult. No one likes a complaining, whining partner. It’s the negativity that made her leave you.

 

(4) You are too serious:

Give yourself a break. Make a trip with her. It’s good to release the inner child in us, sometimes. Being too serious will scare her off.

 

(5) You don’t listen to her:

She probably knows every problem you are facing in your life but how much do you know about her? Imagine feeling ignored all the time. She feels that too when you don’t take the time to listen to her. She also feels she is not important in your life. That is why she can leave you for another man.

15 Signs She’s A Keeper

she is a keeper

1. If she answers your texts even after you ignore hers.

She answers you every time even though you pick and choose when you want to give her your time and attention. She never makes that choice. The only choice she makes is you every time. And maybe she’s easy to read but she doesn’t want to confuse you.

 

2. If she’s still nice to you even when you don’t deserve her kindness.

No matter how you treat her or what she says it doesn’t impact how she treats you. You test her just to see how far you can push her but she never pushes you back.

 

3. If she’s still excited to see you even though the plans before you canceled.

She always has a smile on her face when she sees you even though countless times you’ve canceled on her. She holds onto and appreciates the times you don’t.

 

4. If she meets all the way even when you won’t meet her half.

She gives 110% when it comes to you and you barely give 50. But she cares and you matter and she’s never once stopped trying to prove that.

 

5. If she doesn’t play your game even though you are trying to play her.

She knows the game you play. Like something even though you ignored the call. Send a snap just to see if she opens it. Look at her story first just to get her hopes up. The truth is no matter what move you make or what type of game you are looking to play it doesn’t change her. The only type of game she plays in one that includes honesty and loyalty.

 

6. If she gives her undivided attention always and you give her yours when you’re bored.

When you’re with her, when you are talking to her, you have her complete attention always. You’ve never had to wonder that.

 

7. If she stands still even when you push her away.

One day you care about her and completely show it, the next day you completely retreat because she got too close. But no matter where you go or what you do she stands there confidently knowing you’ll come back.

 

8. If she believes in you in enough you’ve given her every reason not to.

Maybe you don’t know why she views you in such a light especially because you know you aren’t treating her the way she deserves. But she still believes in everything you are. She stands behind you and supports you 100%.

 

9. If she wants you happy even though you’re making her sad.

She’s always trying to put a smile on your face no matter how much you disappoint her.

 

10. If she surprises you with things even though you don’t deserve it.

She’s always shocking you with one thing or the next and while it’s something you’ve become used to don’t take it for granted.

 

11. If she’s committed to you even though you haven’t committed to her.

You flip-flop with everything in your life including her. And you haven’t even taken her out on a proper date but she’s committed to you and only you because she feels strong about you.

 

12. If she makes an effort even when you haven’t.

She’s always making it easy for you because that’s what comes very naturally for her.

 

13. If she’s always there when you need her even though she’d never ask the same.

You know if you call her at any moment the answer will always be yes and she’ll be there. But she’s rarely asked the same of you and if she has, you’ve let her down countless times.

 

14. If she says she loves you even though you don’t say it back.

She’s always telling you she loves you and you know she’s not saying it to hear it back she’s saying it because she wants you to know she loves you unconditionally.

 

15. If you know she can do better but she’s still choosing you.

You know she can do better and the thing is she knows it too but she chooses you and wants you and only you.

Don’t let someone like that slip through your fingers just because their love comes easily to you.


Written By Kirsten Corley
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she is a keeper

8 Signs You Are The Victim Of An Abusive “Hoovering” Narcissist

8 Signs You Are The Victim Of An Abusive "Hoovering" Narcissist

Do you know that you are a victim of an Abusive “Hoovering” Narcissist?

YOUR HEART SINKS AS YOU READ THE TEXT, “I’M NOT IN A GREAT PLACE RIGHT NOW. I NEED YOU. PLEASE HELP.”

It’s been over a year now. You’ve cut off all ties and contact with your ex, and you’ve finally gained some semblance of mental health. But this … this random text throws you completely off. As you quickly type the message with shaking fingers “What do you need help with?” and click send, your stomach drops. There is a dark feeling in the pit of your chest. It’s the ominous and foreboding feeling you sometimes get before thunderstorms and tragic news. Deep down, you know that you’ve made the wrong choice.

You’ve just been hoovered.

If you can relate to what I’ve just written, you’re likely experiencing a dangerously abusive manipulation technique known as hoovering.

Hoovering is a technique that drags you into cycles of abuse, disrupting your entire life and those around you.

In this article, you’ll learn how to prevent this abusive manipulation from fooling you.

 

WHAT IS HOOVERING?

Hoovering is an abuse tactic frequently used by people who struggle with narcissistic, borderline, antisocial, and histrionic personality disorders. Named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner, hoovering is basically a way of “sucking” a person back into an abusive relationship. Hoovering is typically done after a long period of no contact between the victim and the abuser.

In an attempt to regain control over their victims, hoovering abusers will use manipulation tactics that target their victim’s soft spots and emotional vulnerabilities. If they are successful, the hoovering abuser will use their victim until they are bored with them and discard them once again.

 

3 TOXIC EXAMPLES OF HOOVERING

Let’s take a look at what hoovering looks and feels like:

Scenario 1:

Amanda broke up with Steven six months ago and has severed all contact. But one day, out of the blue, she receives a contact request on Facebook from Steven apologizing for all of his abusive behavior and that he wants to be given a second chance because he’s still “in love” with her. Amanda’s heart beats quickly as she writes a response, truly believing that Steven has “changed.”

Scenario 2:

Ben managed to escape an emotionally abusive relationship with his partner Robert almost two years ago. When he arrived home, he finds a lavish array of flowers on his doorstep with a note that says “Happy Valentine’s Day!” and a phone number from Robert. Ben starts remembering how much affection Robert used to show him at the start of their relationship. Feeling lonely, Ben convinces himself that Robert must have matured past his paranoid and hateful behavior, and gives him a call.

Scenario 3:

Ingrid has just left Scott out of a desperate attempt to regain control of her life. After managing to find solace for a few days from his gaslighting, infidelity, and outbursts of rage, he begins appearing on her doorstep. “You’re the only one I ever loved Ingrid,” Scott whines, “I want to marry you, I only ever wanted to be with you. You’re the love of my life, my soulmate.” After experiencing this behavior for a couple of weeks, Ingrid finally snaps, and rips open the door, “Get out of my fucking life!” she screams and starts to cry. Scott pulls her into a hug and she sobs on his shoulder.

 

WHY DO NARCISSISTS HOOVER?

What’s the point of hoovering? To regain a sense of control over you. Narcissists begin hoovering when they want something from you such as attention, validation, money or sex. But the deepest reason why narcissists hoover is because they are completely internally empty. They have a pathological fear of feeling insignificant, unlovable, alone or worthless, so they do whatever they can to fill this empty void and sustain their false self-image.

Narcissists are fundamentally addicted to the attention of others. Without attention and control, they starve. When their reservoirs of a narcissistic supply run out, they seek to prey off the old “meat” they managed to catch in the past – and that means you. This also means that they usually have many “backups” (e.g. other exes) to feed off when they begin to feel hungry again.

9 Times When Leaving The Person You Love Is The Right Thing To Do

9 Times When Leaving The Person You Love Is The Right Thing To Do

Leaving the person you love can be difficult, but sometimes it is the right thing to do.

“I will not try to convince you to love me, to respect me, to commit to me. I deserve better than that; I AM BETTER THAN THAT…Goodbye.”

― Steve Maraboli

Leaving is hard especially when you are leaving the person you love so much.

We get committed to the people we love in order to live a simple and peaceful life. As responsible adults, lesser the drama we encounter, greater are chances of finding peace and happiness. But not all adults understand this need for stability and peace. In a lot of cases, it turns out that the person you love is giving you trouble instead of peace. So, it’s better to break up with that person. You are probably wondering how can breaking up be a good thing to do.

For that, we have made a list of 9 signs which will help you understand why it’s good for you to break up with the person you love so much.

(1) They do not talk about future plans with you:

Your partner might talk about love but you never see them making future plans with you. Whenever you raise the topic, they tend to avoid them. This implies they are not interested in having a future with you. In that case, it’s better to leave them before they leave you.

(2) They are irresponsible:

Every relationship demands responsibility from both sides. If your partner is irresponsible, then it’s high time you think about leaving because you are not in a romantic relationship to babysit anyone.

(3) They are abusive:

No matter how much you love a person, you cannot give them the power to become abusive. Being abusive is in no way related to any form of love. Any sort of abuse, verbal, psychological or anything is wrong. If the person is abusive towards you, they will be abusive to others too and you can’t change them. So, it will be wiser for you to leave.

(4) They are violent:

Violence is not at all an expression of love or possessiveness. If your partner is violent, you can forgive but you shouldn’t let yourself remain a victim.

19 Things A Narcissist Says and What They Really Mean

19 Things A Narcissist Says and What They Really Mean

 

“Narcissists are great con-artists. After all, they succeed in deluding themselves! As a result, very few professionals see through them.”
~ anonymous.

Have you ever come across a narcissist? According to psychology, a narcissist is a very egoistic person who fantasizes themselves to be greater than people around them and immersed in this self-love, they expect others to give them a very special treatment without any reciprocation of the same.

You might feel that these characteristics can easily be spotted but it’s not as easy as it seems. Narcissists are masters of manipulation. They are experts in using words to protect their lies and to earn your love and support. Narcissists lie but the phrases they use are not lies, they are facades. They will use this art of expression so well that even if their deeds fail to validate their words, you would find it difficult in believing them.

But you would never want to fall in the trap, would you? So, to make things easier to identify, we have a range of phrases for you which a narcissist tells another person and the real meanings they hide behind them.

“I love you” = “Damn! You can figure out my real intention. I need to distract you.

2  “I am sorry” = Hey, just forget what happened; I need some attention.

3  “You are my soul mate” = Oh…I’m enjoying this high level spiritual feel for the time being.

4  “That never happened.” = Yeah, I made a mistake but I don’t want you to talk about it.

“You are too sensitive”= Cut the crap now; stop talking about my bad behaviour.

6  “I am your mother” =I get the right to have full control over your life.

7  “Forgive and forget” = Keep on tolerating my abuse all the time.

8  “I have never met anyone like you = You all are the same. I’m texting 7 other women the same thing now.

9  “My ex girlfriend was crazy.”= My ex girlfriend came to know about my abuse. But I want don’t want you to know the truth from her.

10  “I have been really wanting to settle down” = Since I’m talking about settling down, you should believe that I am a responsible guy and hence, a nice person.

To Every Girl Who Has Ever Lost Herself To A Narcissistic Man

To Every Girl Who Has Ever Lost Herself To A Narcissistic Man

Are you one of those girls who lost herself to a narcissistic man?

Love is a very strange thing. It can make you anew, after the greatest of tribulations life throws at you; it can rejuvenate you and invigorate you and inspire you to be better each day.

But sadly enough, it can also break you, destroy your sense of self and justice. Because more than often bad things happen to good people, especially in love.

Have you ever been in love and thought “this is it, this has to be it.”

Of course you have. We all have that one love in our life.

But like most good things in the world, it doesn’t last. And let us tell you right now, it wasn’t your fault, at all.

This was because the man you fell for was a narcissist and life after him has not been the same. You don’t understand the concept of love anymore; nor have you been whole again.

Being happy is out of the question.

Yes, you have been naive, but recognizing a narcissist is nigh impossible at least while there’s time. Their charm which lures you in is part of the whole Faustian deal.

The affair has left you dry; you don’t understand feelings anymore.

To be totally honest, you are now the exact opposite of what you were, before he came along.

You were one of those cheerful, happy people who lit up others’ lives as well. You were positive, motivated and most importantly hopeful, for yourself and others.

You would smile before going to bed, thinking of all the people you cheered up throughout the day and you would wake up with a smile on your face, thinking of the difference you will make to so many others’ lives that day.

But now you are an empty shell of the person you used to be.

This is because that simply is the effect narcissists have on a person. They feed off people’s mental well-being, slowly and silently siphoning off positive energy off of them to leave them hollow.

Now it is even difficult to get out of bed and do the most basic of chores. In short, getting a hold on your life.

You have allowed said individuals to get the better of you and now you can’t even look at yourself in the mirror.

The trust you had in him shattered and now you can’t trust anyone anymore.

This would be hundred times worse for you because romantic attachment and its subsequent shattering are things that are difficult to wrap your head around.

Moreover, once you feel like someone is quite literally everything to you, it is very, very difficult to come to terms with them leaving, especially after having made so many promises and memories.

Quite simply it leaves a void in you.

You don’t feel safe again.

You feel like people and their words and promises have ceased to mean anything. You feel like you drifting in a sea with a storm brewing; there’s no land in sight.

This is because you did love him and love is a strange thing.

You were with him, heart, body and soul; the kind of holistic connections one might just read about. Every moment spent with him was like an eternity and a day.

But that was exactly what he wanted: for you to let your guard down.

That’s what enabled him to take what he wanted and leave.

You loved him unconditionally, thinking of him as your soulmate and you did drift away in him.

But for a narcissist, love is really nothing because they can’t have such feelings for anyone but themselves.

Consequently, now you cannot feel good about yourself no matter what you achieve in life.

It is not your fault.

Losing oneself to a narcissist is not just common, it is also very probable.

The effect they have on the people who love them is debilitating and demeaning.

And you shouldn’t blame yourself for it.

Think of it as this: bad things happen and it is part of the universe’s working. You have to find the strength in yourself and your will to look past that and enjoy the goodness in both yourself and the people that love you.

5 Reasons Why We Are Attracted To Someone We Shouldn’t Be With

5 Reasons Why We Are Attracted To Someone We Shouldn't Be With

Have you ever got attracted to someone who is wrong for you?

Nice people don’t necessarily fall in love with nice people.” ― Jonathan Franzen, Freedom.

The attraction is the primary reason a relationship is formed. The moment we are attracted to someone, we start to see other aspects too.

But all the attractions are not loved. Similarly, if the person we are getting attracted to might get attracted to us too but the frequency or rather the reasons for attraction might be completely different. In the beginning, it might seem they are all the same but this not how the reality works.

Attraction blinds us, makes us biased.

This is why we tend to look at the positive sides of our person of interest ignoring the darker negative ones. We might really get immensely attracted to the person and develop the feeling of love but the other person might get attracted to us out of infatuation or even lust. In the worst case, they might fake to take our advantage.

Once this attraction is established between two people, by any means, love settles down and then comes the question of commitment, loyalty, etc. But these attractions need to be genuine.

We are not mind readers. There are innumerable times we might get attracted to a person for all the wrong reasons.

In order to prevent yourself from getting hurt, it’s important to understand why are you getting attracted to that person.

(1) You think the person needs your help:

We all have problems. But a relationship can never be based just on saving someone or helping someone. The fire-fighters, doctors, nurses, army men, security guards and all of us are doing this every day. Does this mean we are in a relationship with everyone? Of course not! In a relationship, you should support your partner but that should also be reciprocated.

Having empathy for the person, you cannot get yourself drained. You think that your love interest needs your help but the reality is, your love interest is just using you. If someone helps you, you need to acknowledge that, reciprocate that. But that’s not your case. So, don’t think that entertaining that person is your duty.

 

(2) You think you can change the person:

We all need a second chance. You love interest or your partner made a mistake once and apologized. But if this keeps on happening in cycles, then you should stop nurturing your love or attraction towards them.

You cannot change the person unless they want to change themselves. Thinking that you will change that person and make them a better human being is an act of foolishness. That is not going to happen.

 

(3) Your partner makes you feel guilty for your actions:

If the reason you still love your partner because they make you feel guilty of your actions, blame you for the misunderstandings, always telling you that the relationship will not work out because of you, then it is not love. Your partner has made you lose your self-confidence.

You are the one who gave them the right to judge what’s right and wrong. Don’t let them be the arbiter of your life. You might make mistakes but everything is not fault and your partner is not a sage either. It’s the lack of love from their side which makes them do such cheap things. You know you are hurting yourself in the relationship.

 

(4) Your peers urge you to go back:

You have to understand this straight and simple. This is your life and you should decide what’s right and wrong for you. You might take advice or suggestions from people but don’t jump into their prescribed actions if you are not comfortable with it yourself. If you don’t feel like going back, then don’t go. It’s your life, your call.

 

(5) You think you love them:

No matter how hurt you might have been, you still feel you are in true love. It’s not the attraction but rather the good times which make you feel that it’s been, true love. You might love that person but if it’s not reciprocated, it’s never true love. Keep your memories where they should be: in the past.

The Mental Murder Tactic – When The Narc Says ‘You Are Dead To Me’

 

“Narcissistic personality disorder is named for Narcissus, from Greek mythology, who fell in love with his own reflection. Freud used the term to describe persons who were self-absorbed, and psychoanalysts have focused on the narcissist’s need to bolster his or her self-esteem through grandiose fantasy, exaggerated ambition, exhibitionism, and feelings of entitlement.”
― Donald W. Black, DSM-5 Guidebook: The Essential Companion to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

Whom do narcissists love most? Themselves.

Whom do narcissists love after themselves? Themselves.

Who can they think of apart from themselves? Nobody.

For a narcissist, it’s always I, Me and Myself.

But, this core composed of I, Me and Myself are covered by a thick layer of charisma. People around them find them as dashing, admirable, intelligent, wit. They roam around with an aura of elegance and have a really big group of followers who are always busy pleasing and flattering their narcissist leader. It is this image a narcissist carries around.

But this is fake. Whatever you are seeing is an illusion because the narcissist is not the person they pretend to be. They are good orators and can convince people, manipulate them. Will all these misleading appearance and manipulative skills, they master the art of illusion.

If you believe in them, you are just becoming a victim of their illusionary tricks. A narcissist, after all, is the master of illusion.

Now that you have fallen in love with a narcissist or rather you have fallen for the illusion, try to understand your value in their lives. What role are you playing?

What’s most important to the narcissist is to keep on enhancing this outer charming layer of their identities. That’s where you come in, as a make-up box or an accessory. As long as you can amplify their charm, you are useful to them. When you fail to do so, you are just removed from their lives. Even if you can keep on intensifying their charm, there are chances of you being thrown out. If you hold the risks of revealing the persona behind the charming face, you will be eliminated from their lives because a narcissist is always suffering from the insecurity that their true image will be ruined.

They will trash you in such a way as if you never existed at all and the emotions they shared with you have vanished like camphor all of a sudden. For them, relationships matter as long as they could be beneficial only for them.

Love for a narcissist is self-love.

A narcissist falls in love with a person who can add value to their lives but has no intention of reciprocating the same. It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship you share with the narcissist. You might be a spouse, a child, a teacher or a friend. If you stop being useful to their lives, they are going to replace you soon. They don’t care about the good moments spent with you. They might have said something which you thought were reciprocations but in reality, they were as fake as the character they carry.

A narcissist wears marks all the time.

But if you have an intimate relationship with them, you will get to see their real self…a self which is extremely cruel, egoistic and self-absorbed. Once they are exposed in front of you, they will try to kill you before you kill them by revealing their true form in front of others.

According to Dr. Keith Ablow,

some narcissists believe that this exposing of their masks is same as killing them because the outer veil they wear will be ruined and will make them non-existent and they will delve deep into emotional traumas which have their roots in the past.

Hence, some narcissists commit psychological murder.

How do they commit this psychological murder?

They will criticize you harshly, they will ignore you and point out flaws in everything you do. They will make you feel unwanted and a failure. They will blame you for every negative thing that happens to them and manipulate you into thinking that you are the one who needs to change. They will use all your dark secrets against you till you start devaluing yourself, lose your self-esteem and self-confidence.

They kill you psychologically and you fall into depression.

But they don’t know who they are themselves. They have fake accomplishments to prove to others that they are great. They believe in their lies, in these worlds constructed by themselves. You were a threat to their lies, to their world. Hence, they removed you by killing you off.

This Is How You Survive The Narcissist’s Silent Treatment (without Completely Losing Yourself)

This Is How You Survive The Narcissist's Silent Treatment (without Completely Losing Yourself)

How do you deal with living with a narcissist who is giving you the silent treatment? Someone who will co-exist with you in the same house while literally ignoring you? What if that goes on for days? Weeks?

Ideally, this would be a two-word answer: no contact. But in real life, things don’t always work ideally and people sometimes need to live with narcissists – so let’s dig into this.

How to Survive a Narcissist Silent Treatment

Believe it or not, this is just one of the many signs of gaslighting and emotional abuse you’ll notice if you’re in a toxic relationship with an abusive narcissist.
And, in the case of a covert narcissist, you might often find yourself getting the old silent treatment – AKA the discard phase.

The first thing you have to do is to educate yourself about the situation.

I always say that knowledge is power, and the first fact you need to know about this issue is exactly why narcissists give you the silent treatment in the first place.

See, whether they recognize it consciously or not, narcissists are wired to sort of “push your buttons” in order to get what they want.

Now, you might wonder which button they’re trying to push when they just go silent, right? You might be surprised to find out that it’s not about making you crazy from lack of communication or pure boredom – rather, it’s about playing on your own worst fears.

And, I’m betting, one of your worst fears is the fear of being alone in the world with no one to help or support or just be there for you. Am I right? And I’m guessing that, if you’re currently involved (or were previously involved) with a narcissist, you’re thinking of all kinds of little things the narcissist did in order to play on your fears.

Get over your fears and get on with your life! 

So, by verbally and emotionally “cutting you off,” the narcissist offers you a taste of what life might be without his charming godlike awesome self (did you detect that bit of sarcasm there??).

So, that’s the way – the narcissist ignores and belittles and devalues you because it plays on your fear of being alone. It is his hope that in enacting this silent narcissistic rage against you, he will force you into submission and into being the good little narcissistic supply he needs.

Plus, the silent treatment works particularly well on sensitive, empathic people (who are often quite attractive to narcissists), because we are wired to respond to and attempt to soothe the emotions of the people around us, especially those we love.

You feel me?

Okay, so how do you deal with this behavior without completely losing your mind?

If you’re staying in the relationship because you have no choice, you can play the game. But in the end, the best option is to leave and move forward.

With that being said, we all know that sometimes it’s easier said than done – and we all have our reasons for the choices we make and for why we “don’t just leave already if it’s so bad.”

So, as always, I want to say that if you are being physically abused, none of the following is relevant, and I want you to get help now – stop reading and start packing, sister.

Moving on

You’re getting the silent treatment again, a lovely part of the discard phase that everyone who’s ever been in a narcissist’s path can recall. Maybe you’ve been accused of being selfish or of ignoring the narcissist’s emotional or physical needs, of being dishonest, arrogant, lazy or any number of other insulting descriptives.

(But, for the record, what’s really happening most of the time is projection—narcissists project their own inadequacies onto their victims. So as usual, it’s all about the narcissist, not about you.)

Assuming you’re going to play the game, this is what you do to cope with the silent treatment.

The next time you’re confronted with the icy, hateful silent treatment for yet another perceived infraction, I want you to come back here and read this article again. And I want you to remember that this is a game of control – the narcissist believes he can control you with his lack of communication and concern.

4 Obvious Signs You’re In Love With A Giant A**hole

4 Obvious Signs You're In Love With A Giant A**hole

Here are few signs that says you are in love with a Giant A**hole.

If you think he is, you’re probably right.

When we first start dating someone, they are usually on their best behavior. They show you the positive sides of themselves, rather than the hidden, nitty-gritty qualities that would send you right out the door.

But over time, once you start falling in love with someone, you may notice that these bad habits are more than just quirks. Are you trying to figure out if he’s a jerk or just misunderstood?

Here are four tell-tale signs you’re in love with an assh*le and your guy may not be who you think he is.

1. You start wondering if he’s an assh*le.

Maybe he refers to women as “b*tches” and “hoes” in front of you. Or perhaps he didn’t call after your first date, even though he gave off all the signs that he was really into you.

 

2. You go to bed thinking he’s an assh*le.

He might leave you wondering if he cares about you or just wants to have sex with you. It might be hard to tell, especially when the only time he calls is at 1:30 AM after a night at the club.

 

3. You drink your coffee in the morning and think, “Yeah, he’s an assh*le.”

When you go out, he treats service personnel like they are his personal slaves. And the conversation over dinner is usually about how his ex was a total b*tch for no reason at all.

 

4. A friend calls you and asks how things are. Your response is, “He’s an assh*le.”

One of the biggest signs you’re in love with an assh*le is how you talk to your friends about him. He might have you convinced that YOU are the assh*le, or that he treats you like sh*t because you (like all assh*les) need to be treated as such. Creating doubt and causing you to think you’re the problem is what assh*les do.

 

Bottom line: If you think he’s an assh*le, then you already know what to do.

The fact that you’re reading this shows that you don’t want to believe it and that you’re looking for some kind of external validation to make your decision.

Do yourself a favor and dump him!


Written By Charles J. Orlando
Originally Appeared On theproblemismen.com
Printed With Permission

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4 Obvious Signs You're In Love With A Giant A**hole

8 Ways To Gracefully Survive A Toxic Family During The Holidays

8 Ways To Gracefully Survive A Toxic Family During The Holidays

How will you survive a toxic family who will surely ruin your enjoyment during the holidays?

“People will always notice the change in your attitude towards them. But they will never notice it’s their behavior which made you change.”

Thanksgiving is around the corner and lets face it: it’s time for those special family gatherings. No matter how much we love it or we hate it, we have to be a part of it.

All of us have some relatives in our lives who add nothing but negativity. But what can be done? We can’t banish the behavior family; we can’t avoid these gatherings either.

Their toxicity affects us and these gatherings often become painful for us. Some of us hate attending these family gatherings because of such people.

But this time, let’s not escape from them. Instead of missing out on the fun and merriment, we should be there for the gatherings and prepare ourselves so that we don’t get affected by the negativity of these family members.

 

Here are 8 ways you can deal with this:

1. You need to understand that your happiness is in your hands:

One of the characteristics of these family members is making you feel bad about yourself. They will not leave an inch to comment on your life and make you question your doings.

But as long as you are happy with yourself, what’s the point of listening to them? You don’t need their validation to be happy. Right?

 

2. Don’t get into fights:

Relatives who don’t nurture goodwill for you will provoke you to engage in fights with them. Avoid that. If they are saying some bad stuff about you, just ignore.

They would not necessarily get into physical abuse. Even if they do, there will be others around you and their true colours will get revealed.

They will try their best to instigate you. Just remember, no matter how much they are hurting you, you should not start the fight. If you initiate the fight, you will be thrown in a bad light and that’s what they want.

 

3. Ignore them:

One of the best policies to stay away from negative people is to ignore them. Don’t waste your time and energy thinking the rubbish they are spreading about you.

You know what you are. Your acts and deeds are there to speak for you. Don’t let their negativity affect your mood.

 

4. Have a proper planning:

Make sure you have a proper planning before you plunge into the gathering. Keep a list of to-do things with the people you love.

Don’t include the toxic family members in your list. You are sorted now. You will meet them with others but you will have other things to do.

 

5. Don’t expect from others:

Even if they are family members, don’t expect from them. People with negative feelings usually fake to change but actually they don’t.

Being a family member does not mean they will be all good to you. So, don’t expect. If they are good to you, then there’s nothing like it. Don’t feel bad if they are not good. Learn to live with yourself and be happy about it.

 

(6) Set your limits:

You might be having a bad phase in your life but you don’t need to share that with everyone. Set your limits and disclose your secrets, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities to the ones you can really trust.

Don’t let everyone interfere in your life. This will protect you from getting used by the toxic family members.

 

(7) Always appreciate and be giving:

Forgiveness is difficult to give and holidays are the best time for it. Always appreciate the positivity in your family members, be giving and forgive them if they have hurt you.

But do remember, that forgiving doesn’t mean letting them in your life. Maintain the distance but don’t cherish negative feelings towards them.

 

(8) Give yourself time to heal:

It’s obvious for you to get hurt by the negativity of some family members. Give yourself time to heal. Nobody told you that you need to be best friends with them.

Take your time, allow yourself to get rid of your hurt and then be at peace with their positivity.

The STRONG Emotional Reason Women Stay With An Abusive Partner

The STRONG Emotional Reason Women Stay With An Abusive Partner

Your partner verbally and physically abuses you but you can’t find the courage to leave him.

He manipulates, controls, degrades and berates you. You suppress your hurt feelings. You even make excuses for his reprehensible, hurtful behavior.

He promises repeatedly to quit drinking, to get counseling for his anger issues and to stop verbally and physically battering you. Instead, he blindsides you with a cutting remark or rages at you for no clear reason.

You know in your heart that your relationship is a lost cause, and yet you stay with a man who is slowly destroying you.

Girl, where is your sense of survival?

What relationship could possibly be worth the horrific conflict, mental mutilation, bruises and busted lips from the hands of a punishing, irate boyfriend or husband?

Why does a woman stay with a man who mistreats her so badly?

There are compelling reasons why women stay in a relationship with an abusive partner:

  • The abuse may occur over a short period of time, and she is able to shrug it off.
  • He may tell her, “I’m sorry, it will never happen again,” and she believes him.
  • She may have been abused as a child or witnessed her mother abused by her father, and she accepts it as normal behavior, consciously or unconsciously.
  • She may be financially dependent on him, or she may have a fear of living alone.
  • She may fear her partner and may believe she has no power to change the situation.
  • She may fear his suicide; he says he’ll kill himself if she leaves.
  • She may have religious and cultural beliefs or a misguided sense of loyalty that keeps her tied to her relationship—or she stays for “the sake of the children.”
  • She is in denial about the abuse. He is often loving and lovable which helps her excuse and minimize his episodes of cruelty or violence.
  • The sex with him is intense and she is addicted to an erotic emotional attachment to him.

    These reasons are to some extent understandable—but there must be a greater force that ties a woman’s soul to a man who unmercifully batters her.

Bonding with the enemy.

Seduction, deception, and betrayal are core components of the abusive relationship.

You fell in love with the most wonderful man you’ve ever known. He adored you. He understood you. He showered you with attention, affection, and gifts. He got into your head, your heart, and your bed.

You were overwhelmed by the love you felt for him. You allowed him into your life because you trusted him. And then he began to criticize, control and demean you and the cycle of abuse begins.

Your partner’s demeanor changes, suddenly or gradually. Once he was loving, considerate and patient, now he ridicules you, unjustly blames and condemns you and erupts in unprovoked, uncontrollable anger. His behavior is punishing, demoralizing and menacing. It’s as if he enjoys the anguish and tears he causes you.

After each abusive event, he apologizes profusely for his cruel behavior and the “battering phase” ends. He appears contrite. He is quasi-agreeable, considerate and attentive. He may agree to quit drinking or go to counseling.

In spite of his volatile, harmful behavior, you are grateful for his change of heart and you are optimistic that his remorse is genuine—so you forgive him, you have makeup sex and you enter the “calm-loving-respite phase.”

Having forgiven him, you are doubly-emotionally invested in the relationship.

Inevitably, he begins to batter you again and you are drawn deeper into the traumatic bonding experience.

Your emotional suffering is profound. You are conflicted by the intense love-hate-regret-sorrow-fearful feelings you have for your boyfriend or husband. One minute you despise him and you want him out of your life permanently and the next morning you can’t live without him.

Unaware of the dynamics of the abuse-trauma-bonding process, you describe your acute emotions as best you can—you call it love and you lament to reunite with him.

Your life becomes a constant act of emotional survival.

The cycle of abuse is a roller coaster of tension building, battering, and honeymoon.

The more times you are abused—the more times you experience your abuser’s rejection, cruelty, and treachery. If you try to leave him, he controls you with his threats and insincere and short-lived promises to change and he convinces you to stay in the relationship until his next episode of battering and violence.

Every time you reconcile with your abuser …

  • You adapt and learn to cope with his disapproval, rejection, deception, cruelty, betrayal, and anger that progressively destroys your self-worth.
  • You are telling him you condone his abusive behavior, giving him the green light to increase the frequency and intensity of his abuse.
  • You incur more and more self-doubt, confusion, disbelief, depression, guilt, shame, isolation, anxiety, fear, and hopelessness.
  • You become addicted to experiencing the “honeymoon phase,” craving his love, acceptance, and approval.
  • Your sense of helplessness and dependency on your abuser increases.

Don’t ignore your oppressed reality.

If you don’t understand the destructive dynamics of an abusive relationship, you might not understand what is happening to you.