2) Make Your Partner’s Needs And Feelings Equal To Yours.
Doing this requires developing empathy and compassion for your partner’s feelings, needs, and requests for closeness.
Watch this video to know the charms of unavailable people:
3) Stop The Secret Life.
Emotionally unavailable partners often have one. They have a backup plan for when the relationship fails. They may have someone on the side to protect themselves because they believe rejection is inevitable. A secret life with others helps keep a safe distance in the relationship.
Your relationship cannot afford your secret life or side person. It requires you to offer complete transparency. Sometimes this may require opening up access to your computer, text records, and so on to clean up any past feelings of betrayal or mistrust. Not keeping secrets is a vulnerable place, but it is the only place that allows you to invest into the relationship and get the returns you deeply need.
4) Make Time For Your Partner.
Place your partner (and children) at the top of your priority list in life. This can only be done by your actions, not your words. Words might sound comforting to your partner but without actionable follow-through, they are meaningless. Making time for your partner also requires you to be available and accessible to your partner most of the time.
Often avoidants will avoid phone calls, ignore text messages, and reply only when they want. They focus only on their needs, which makes their partner even needier.
If you give your partner the reassurance that you are there for them, they will turn their attention away from the relationship because you have given them the security that you are invested in the relationship. This is called The Dependency Paradox of Love.
5) Work On Taking Responsibility For Your Emotions.
Take control of your temper. Stop acting in hurtful ways or saying things that cut to the core of your partner’s vulnerabilities. As an emotionally unavailable person, you are an expert at finding someone’s weakness and exploiting it so they give you the distance you want.
Stop threatening to leave the relationship if you don’t get your way, and stop using anger and personal attacks to bully your partner into doing things your way. That’s not a relationship. Even if you get your way, you are still avoiding a relationship that will change the deeply rooted beliefs you have about yourself. A loving relationship requires two people who work together equally.
6) Commit To Opening Up
Share your deepest fears. Tell your partner what makes your spine tingle. Tell them your life’s greatest disappointments and your biggest dreams. Love requires more than physical touch. It requires emotional touching. It requires both your partner and you to let each other see you inner world. Quit walling off your inner self, and allow yourself to be deeply known by your partner.
This will not be an easy task. You will feel overwhelmed. You will want to attack your partner. When you feel like you’re suffocating from a lack of space, you’re on the right track. You are suffocating the belief that you don’t deserve love. You’re allowing someone else into your heart as you fill its emptiness.
Your childhood and failed relationships may have been a great source of pain, but it is your responsibility to make the effort to change the undermining beliefs that destroy your relationships. It’s up to you to build the emotional skills required to be an emotionally available lover.
To work on becoming a better listener. To stop letting your addictions control you. To being more of a giver than a taker in your relationship. And most importantly to stop, being so judgmental and critical of both your partner and yourself.