List of yellow flags (created during the relationship)
The yellow flag list is super important because you can get caught up in thinking you will change him. You won’t. There is a saying…“A man marries a woman expecting her not to change and she does and a woman marries a man expecting him to change and he doesn’t.
This list of yellow flags means you are being honest with yourself about his deficits and you are agreeing with yourself that you understand he will not change, nor do you expect him to. You are fine with them.
Next, you need to do some deep work. You couldn’t have gotten through your decades here on this earth without undergoing some wear and tear. If you’ve been really great about understanding your internal and external world and maintaining and fine-tuning, then you may be okay. If you have never done a deep dive, well, now is the time.
Why? Because we all bring our baggage into our relationships. When you are aware of what your issues are and you can articulate them to your partner, you have just won half the battle.
So, you’re going to need to go back to childhood. Look at what kind of relationships were modeled for you. What stories did you learn? What do you need to hold on to and what do you need to let go of? Now, let’s look at your past relationships? What patterns played out in those relationships? Can you see some common variables? What childhood trigger did they all press? And what was your part in the relationships not working out? What trauma have you experience that may make you a little gun shy when it comes to relationships?
These can be some very difficult questions but working through these issues can and will save you from repeating or manifesting what you don’t want in relationships.
The fear is about the unknown. The fear exists because there is a little- or maybe a large part of you that doesn’t trust yourself to make good decisions. This is something you can work on. It’s ultimately the most important part because you actually shouldn’t worry about focusing so much on trusting someone else. You should focus on learning how to trust yourself. You build trust in yourself by treating yourself with respect and being trustworthy and not letting yourself down, not settling, having firm boundaries. All these build your own trust.
It’s trusting yourself to make good decisions, but also a deep trust that you will be alright. That you will weather the inevitable storms, that you will have resilience when the hurts come. The unintended consequence of vulnerability is hurt. We will be hurt by those with whom we are vulnerable. We have to trust that we have chosen people who will not hurt us intentionally or extensively. And we have to trust that we will be okay regardless because it is much better to experience connection with the possibility of hurt than to have no connection at all.
So do the work, become the person you would want to spend the rest of your life with, build your trust in yourself, and know that you will be good, sis!
You’ve got this!
Are you ready to stay strong and trust again when you’ve been hurt before?
Written by: Dr. Zoe Shaw Originally appeared: Drzoeshaw.com Republished with permission