Do you know what your partner’s love language is and what you should do about it? All of us speak different love languages which can make relationships complicated.
Whether you are together for a while or you’ve just started dating, the truth is, relationships can be complicated. As communication is key for a healthy relationship to thrive, we can often get confused as to what exactly we need to do to express our love and make our partners happy.
Most of us speak and understand love differently. And this determines how we give and receive love. By understanding your and your partner’s love language, you will be better able to relate and sync with your partner.
What is a love language?
In the 1990s, psychologist Gary Chapman popularized the concept of 5 love languages in his book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. As the idea has become globally popular over the years, relationship experts started to encourage more and more people to understand their partner’s love language to strengthen their relationship.
Related: The 5 Love Languages: How To Love and Be Loved
The 5 love languages proposed by Chapman are:
- Words of Affirmation: Receiving compliments, kind words, praise
- Acts of Service: Getting help with chores, daily tasks and other favors
- Receiving Gifts: Getting thoughtful gifts that show love and effort
- Quality Time: Spending quality time with your partner
- Physical Touch: Being physically intimate in sexual and non-sexual ways
“The idea of love languages is that each of us has one or two preferred ways to receive love and attention from a partner and that receiving affection in our own ‘language’ makes us feel more content and happy,” explains Carol Church of SMART Couples, Department of Family, Youth and Community Sciences, University of Florida.
Chapman believes that although we prefer to be loved in our own preferred language, we also tend to express love to our partners in the very same language. As a result, our feelings and emotions may not always be expressed and received by our partners in the best way possible. And this can lead to a lot of misunderstandings, complications, and conflicts in the relationship.
Know your partner’s love language
“In a marriage, almost never do a husband and wife have the same language,” explains Chapman in a New York Times post. According to the theory, one of the best ways to improve your relationship and make your partner feel loved and appreciated is to understand and pay attention to what love language your partner speaks. Once you know this, you can communicate love and affection in their preferred language, and eventually, your partner will do the same with you as well.
Clinical sexologist Dr. Valeria Chuba says “The idea of love languages, simply put, is about our preferences in how we give and receive love and affection in relationships.” She adds “The Love Language framework can be very useful in helping us understand ourselves and our partners better. But what makes the application of this knowledge possible is compassionate and honest communication with your partner, coupled with a genuine desire to share pleasure and connection together”
When we understand the languages we speak in a romantic relationship we can better understand how they show us love and how they want us to communicate love to them. This helps to build the emotional connection and strengthens the bond in the relationship. It also helps you to effectively communicate your needs, understand what you should do without your partner asking you and help you and your partner feel more appreciated.
Related: 6 Easy Steps To Understand Your Partner’s Love Language
Speak your partner’s love language
If you are wondering how you can express your love and affection to your partner in their preferred love language, then here are some tips to help you.
1. Words of Affirmation
If this is your partner’s love language, then they need verbal affirmations and compliments from you. They need you to tell them why you love and value them. Simple words like “You make me so happy” or “I am so proud of you” can make them feel loved.
How to communicate:
Encourage them, give affirmations, appreciate them, show empathy and actively listen to them.
Actions to take:
Make sure to frequently send them loving and encouraging notes, texts, or cards. Encourage your partner often. Compliment them frequently, share words of appreciation, etc.
Things to avoid:
Don’t assume they know you love them. Stay away from non-constructive, toxic criticism or use emotionally abusive words. Don’t fail to identify or appreciate the effort they put in.
Related: 3 ‘Love Language’ Communication Skills That Will Strengthen Your Relationship
2. Acts of Service
When your partner wishes to communicate love through acts of service, then you need to put in some effort to help them out with their work. Do simple actions which they will appreciate a lot. This can include doing household chores, cooking or doing the dishes, buying groceries, etc.
How to communicate:
Say things that will show them you’re available to help them. Use action words like “Let me help you” or “I’m here” or “I’ll help.”
Actions to take:
Do things around the house including chores. Help with difficult, time-consuming tasks and be spontaneous to help in small ways. Make sure to take an effort to reduce their daily workload. Always follow through.
Things to avoid:
Don’t skip the work you promised you will get done or ask your partner to do something of higher priority. Don’t ignore requests for help or fall into gender-based stereotypes for doing tasks.
3. Receiving Gifts
When your partner speaks this love language, then the first thing you need to realize is that the gifts don’t have to be expensive. As they say, it’s the thought that counts. Put in the effort to find the perfect gift for them that shows how well you know them.
Gifts that show how much you value and appreciate them. It can be the simplest, yet most thoughtful gift that will matter the most to them. Small gifts and gestures matter the most. Thoughtfulness in gift giving is crucial.
How to communicate:
Show thoughtfulness, make an effort to show that they are a priority. Give gifts that represent feelings, moments, or experiences.
Actions to take:
Give gifts randomly and unexpectedly without waiting for a special occasion. Show gratitude when receiving a gift. Bring souvenirs when you travel without your partner. Give small tokens of appreciation when they are not their best
Things to avoid:
Make sure not to forget any special occasions. Don’t focus on materialism or the cost of the gift. Do it out of love and not as a duty.
Related: What Is Your Love Language? Take This 6 Question Quiz To Find Out
4. Quality Time
Make sure you spend a lot of time with your partner and share experiences that are exciting, fun, loving, and simple. This will show that you prioritize your partner. Go on dates every weekend, spend some time alone without children, do things that your partner likes, or simply stay at home and enjoy each other’s company.
How to communicate:
Engage in deep meaningful conversations that are uninterrupted. Spend more time with one another. Be mentally present and give them the attention they deserve.
Actions to take:
Focus on making special memories. Go on weekend getaways, make plans to do new activities together, take walks to the park, or do small things that both of you enjoy.
Things to avoid:
Stay away from all distractions when you’re spending quality couple time together. Unplug from all devices and turn your smartphone off, if possible. Don’t focus on other priorities when spending time together. Make sure not to think of them as needy.
5. Physical Touch
Although this love language does include sexual intimacy, you need to realize that it is not limited only to sex. Being physically close to you and showing affection through body language is important to your partner. This means holding hands, cuddling, hugs, and kisses, etc. Non-sexual touch is the key.
How to communicate:
Use nonverbal communication like your body language and touch to show your love.
Actions to take:
Regularly show physical affection. Kiss, hug, hold hands. Offer massages. Put your arm around your partner and embrace them. Physical intimacy should be your top priority in the relationship.
Things to avoid:
Don’t ignore your partner or engage in physical neglect. Don’t spend long periods without intimacy or receive affection casually. Don’t wait for your partner to show physical affection.
Related: 10 Things To Remember When Your Partner’s Love Language Is ‘Touch’
Love how your partner wants to be loved
And they will love you in your preferred love language as well. The 5 love languages by Chapman shows us that we need to make an effort to improve our behavior in order to strengthen our relationship. “This is self-regulation,” writes Carol Church of University of Florida. She adds “Many relationship experts advise that when things aren’t going as well as you’d like with your partner, the best first step may be to change yourself first.”
When we change ourselves and change the way we express love to our partners, it can show them how much they are loved, valued, and appreciated in the relationship. Loving your partner in the way they want to receive love will improve your interpersonal communication and make your relationship a lot more satisfying.
Here is an interesting video that you may find helpful:
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