Is your relationship in trouble? Are you fed up of quarrels, insults and blame game? We all know relationships are hard work, but they’re not supposed to be hell. These 21 tell-tale signs spell perdition for even the most committed couples.
Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does.
Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up. โ James Baldwin
The thrill is gone
The thrill is gone away
The thrill is gone, baby
The thrill is gone away
โ B.B. King
Knowing when itโs right to quit when itโs best to move on, is the key to your emotional survival.
Unless we truly know itโs over, we never want to believe it. The โIโm doneโ moment is usually recognized in hindsight. Sure, weโve been hurt, even grievously wounded, but thereโs always hope, thereโs always faith. When turned towards the positive, hope and faith are powerful forces and miraculous sources of healing, but when employed as mechanisms of denial, they form the pillars of a delusional world, along with their companionโfantasy. Quitting is a dirty word, and itโs drilled into us that we should never give up.
Related article – 6 Zodiac Couples That Have The Worst, Ugly and Most Painful Break Ups
Knowing when itโs right to quit when itโs best to move on, is the key to your emotional survival, and these 21 signs can help you come to terms with the heartbreaking realization that what once was is no more and is never going to be.
21 Signs that your relationship is over and its’s time to Quit
If you can say yes to four or more of these in your relationship, itโs time to close the book and begin a new chapter.
1. Resentment.
Are you suffering silently, taking your lumps, gritting your teeth, and never directly confronting your partner over behaviors that make you angry? You may think youโre saving the relationship by not speaking up, but youโre actually flooding yourself with resentment that will inevitably overflow.
Donโt fool yourself into believing your reservoir is unlimited. The tipping point will come, and your resentment will influence your own behavior, in ways you may not even be aware of, leading you to get back at your partner and drive the death stake into the relationship. When resentment moves in, communication has moved out, and thereโs little hope for reconciliation.
2. Disrespect.
If you or your partner have reached the point of showing disrespect or being dismissive of each other, forget it. Thereโs no quicker way to erode goodwill and make it easy for someone to stop loving you. People may keep their bodies in the room if theyโre treated badlyโparticularly in the cycle of abuseโbut their hearts and minds soon check out, and the relationship becomes a hollow shell.
3. Contempt.
Marriage expert John Gottman cites contempt as the deadliest of his โfour horsemenโ (the others are criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling) and claims he can tell if a marriage will fail by watching a couple for just 15 minutes. I know whereof he speaks. Contempt is like liquid nitrogen. A cold look of scorn from the one whoโs supposed to warm your heart means youโve fallen through the ice and youโre drowning in the frozen pond, and no, your partner is not going to save you.
If your relationship is doomed and you don’t know what to do, watch out how to get over
4. Lying.
Thereโs lying to your partner and lying to yourself. Neither protects your partner or the relationship. Pretending you still love someone and speaking false words to mask your betrayal doesnโt insulate your partner from harm; it only delays and magnifies the damage. Similarly, pretending youโre happy and convincing yourself, against your heart and better judgment that everything is OK constitutes an abandonment of self and a withdrawal from reality. If you canโt stay grounded in the here and now, the relationship canโt thrive.
Related article – Narcissists Will Never Stop Lying to You
5. Mistrust.
Do you really think itโs wise to be with someone you canโt trust? Do we have to say more about this one?
6. Badmouthing.
This is one of the sure-fire signs that your relationship is over. Anything good you have to say about your partner should be said in public. Anything bad is best kept private unless youโre on your way out and confiding in your family or close friends. Public badmouthing, even if itโs meant as a joke or petty complaining, is the tip of an iceberg of deep dissatisfaction that can sink your relationship to the bottom of the sea.
7. Distancing.
When you find yourself tuning out, seeking distractions, and making a conscious effort to avoid connection and intimacy, itโs time to step away from the source of your pain. You might still wear each otherโs rings or live under the same roof, but if youโve severed the emotional bond or youโre slowly letting it unravel, you may as well make a clean break.
8. Demanding proofs of love.
โIf you loved me, you would . . .โ Allowing this absurd request to rule your life is so tempting. After all, itโs often so easy just to get it over with and do the thing your partner asks. But what your partner is really saying is, โI donโt believe, trust, or accept your love unless you go through this hoop for me.โ Itโs not actually a proof of your love, but a way of soothing your partnerโs anxiety and addressing the feeling that he or she is unlovable, and soon enough the hoop becomes a ring of fire. The only person who can change those feelings of unlovability is their owner, and asking you to do it is a sign your partner is mentally unwell.
9. Public humiliation.
Has your partner ever shamed you in public, with outrageous behavior, by airing dirty laundry, or by accusing or severely mistreating you? An apology will always follow, but it wasnโt an accident or the result of too much drinking, and despite the promises, it will be repeated. Itโs evidence of a fragile ego and deep-seated self-hatred. No amount of love you give can make someone love themselves, and without help, your partner will only make you more and more miserable.
10. Obsession with another person.
If one partner is obsessed with someone outside the relationshipโeither a potential love interest or even a best friendโthereโs a good chance that availability and connection have broken down within the relationship. Itโs healthy not to have all the energy directed inward, but your partner must remain your primary focus. Obsession also indicates an unmet need, but itโs likely one you canโt meet for your partner.
Related article – 12 Things A Self-Respecting Woman Should Never Settle For In A Relationship
11. Obsession with pornography.
The jury is out, but some find a little bit of smut, enjoyed together, to be a turn-on. Watching others can also be a way for couples to express their fantasies and get in touch with what they want in bed. But obsessive consumption of porn by one or both partners is a sign that satisfaction will always elude that person, and the quest for the holy grailโor multi-orgasmic imageโwill lead down a road of extreme perversion.
12. Emotional infidelity.
A one-night stand with a colleague on a business trip, a brief fling with the hot personal trainer, distasteful and devastating as these are, they need not be relationship killers. Sexual monogamy is hard and not necessarily hard-wired. The first question a partner inevitably asks when the indiscretion is discovered or disclosed is โDo you love him/her?โ
Itโs the transference of the emotional attachment we fear the most because emotional intimacy is the core of a relationship and makes everything else possible.
Related article – Why Do People Cheat Even In Happy Relationships? 4 Myths About Infidelity and Affairs
13. Inability to resolve conflict.
This manifests first as endless fighting without reaching agreement and after a while morphs into the โwhateverโ stage, in which partners stop caring about the outcome because theyโve stopped investing in the relationship. Thereโs something to be said for the maxim of never going to bed angry. If neither partner can be the bigger person, give up the need to be right, and approach conflict in a conciliatory fashion, thereโs no point in continuing.
14. Sabotage.
When we do things unconsciously that damage our relationship, itโs our psyche telling us we want and need out. You can say you want to stay until youโre blue in the face, but your actions will always speak louder than your words.
Related article – 8 Ways Your Fear and Insecurity Is Sabotaging Your Relationship
15. Addictive behaviors.
If your partner is a substance abuser, a compulsive spender or gambler, a sex addict, or even a true workaholic, your relationship will never take first priority. And unless it does, you wonโt be happy. Not to mention that addictive behaviors, especially when enabled, can ruin lives.
16. Unhealthy attachments.
Is your partner still attached to an ex-spouse or former lover or enmeshed with his or her family? These attachments can disrupt and ultimately destroy the fabric of a healthy relationship, eating holes in it until it disintegrates. Honor thy mother and father. Respect thine exes, especially if youโve had children with them. But always put your partner first. If you feel like youโre second fiddleโor the fifth violinโitโs time to face the music.
Related article – 5 Signs of Unhealthy Attachment Style in a Relationship
17. Threats and emotional blackmail.
These should never, ever occur in a healthy relationship. They are often presented as being about love but they are always about control. Period. And control is a form of abuse. Period. Run from these as fast as you can.
18. Comparisons and ratings.
Is your partner comparing you to othersโpeople who earn more, look more attractive, or have a better personality? Or rating your attributes on a scale? This is a form of denigration. If someone thinks the grass is greener, or that they wonโt have to fertilize and pull weeds in another field, let them go for it, and let them go. Weโre each unique individual, and how we measure up against another or some arbitrary standard isnโt relevant. In a nod to number 8: if your partner loved you, he or she wouldnโt do that.
19. Indifference.
Honestly. Why stay if you no longer care?
20. Withdrawal of affection.
Thereโs nothing wrong with wanting a roommate, but if you want more from your relationship, donโt stay with a partner who has become one.
21. Physical violence.
Never acceptable under any circumstances. No excuses. No explanations. No justifications. No more.
Related article – How Abusive Relationships Trap us Into Not Leaving
Ultimately, in my opinion, all relationship conflict and the behavior that accompanies it springs from pain. If the conflict is an attempt to open and cleanse a wound, to promote healing, to mend holes, strengthen the bond and bring partners closer together,โthen you have a โfightingโ chance. But if it is an effort to rend and tear apart, to bash and smash and break, to assuage oneโs own pain by causing pain for another, the writing is on the wall. Weโd best read it, or weโll end up weeping.
So friends, do you know of any other signs that your relationship is over? Let us know by commenting below.
Written by Jed Diamond Ph.D
Originally appeared in The Goodmen Project
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