For those of us who have had our heartbroken, the inclination to give our ex a second chance is hard to resist. So, we do, and, for a few days, life is grand. And then they leave again and we go back to where we were, broken and in pain.
For those of us who have broken up, we get bored or lonely or depressed and we want to soothe ourselves and who better to do so with then our ex.
Yo-yoing isn’t good for anyone. The coming and going messes with everyone’s emotions – the person who got left is hurt over and over and the person who keeps coming back feels guilty, stupid, and confused.
Agree, when you break up, that what you have decided is for good and that, even if loneliness or boredom directs you towards self-sabotage, you will not reunite with your ex and start the craziness all over again.
4. No closure.
If there is one thing that I believe is the most nonproductive and pain-producing part of the end of a relationship, it’s ‘closure.’
I truly believe that closure is purely an excuse for the person being left to have one more face to face with their ex so that they can spend time with them and perhaps talk them into coming back.
Closure usually involves hours of circular conversations and ends with lots of tears and still no resolution. No matter what is said, both people go away broken and in pain.
One of my exes and I agreed on the ineffectiveness of ‘closure’ and so when we broke up, we just moved on. It was hard but it was much easier for me to get past the break up having no contact with him. Months later, after we had both suffered and recovered, we ran into each other and to this day are very good friends. I believe it’s because we didn’t have to go round and round and suck the life out of each other, analyzing our break up.
So, after breaking up, it’s important that both sides make an effort to say what they need to say so that they can both move on and find happiness.
5. No friendship.
I know – this sounds really harsh, but, in reality, being friends after a breakup is counterproductive and just leads to more pain.
If you have been in a romantic, intimate relationship with someone, being friends is a big leap of faith, especially if one party has been blindsided by the breakup.
Friendship involves trust and kindness and confidence and loyalty and, usually, when people go through a breakup, these things have been absent for a while. To try to be friends with someone who you have hurt, or who has hurt you, is, I believe, more often than not, a reason to spend more time with this person you love or fill the void left when you dumped them.
I do believe that, after a time, after the intense pain has passed, people can be friends again but in the short term, while anger and hurt abound, being friends will only prolong the breakup and the pain.
Want to know more about why you should not stay friends with your ex? Read 10 Ways How Staying Friends With An Ex Can Get You In Trouble
Setting expectations after breaking up sounds like an impossible thing to do but, if done with intention, it can make a big difference in the amount of pain that is endured and the amount of time it takes to move on.
After breaking up, agree to rules around social media, agree to not talk badly about each other to friends and family, agree that the break up has happened and that there will be no turning back, that there will be no closure and no friendship in the short term.