Are you someone who is always working hard to fulfill everyone else’s wishes, but your own? Then here are a few reminders for a people pleaser!
People-pleasers โwant everyone around them to be happy and they will do whatever is asked of them toโ keep it that way, according to Dr. Susan Newman. โThey put everyone else before themselves,โ she said. For some, saying โyesโ is a habit; for others, โitโs almost an addiction that makes them feel like they need to be needed.โ This makes them feel important and like theyโre โcontributing to someone elseโs life.โ
People-pleasers yearn for outside validation. Their โpersonal feeling of security and self-confidence is based on getting the approval of others,โ said Linda Tillman, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Atlanta, GA, and assertiveness expert. Thus, at the core, people-pleasers lack confidence, she said.
They worry about how others will view them when they say no. โPeople donโt want to be seen as lazy, uncaring, selfish, or totally egocentric,โ Newman said. They fear โtheyโll be disliked and cut from the group,โ whether itโs friends, family, or co-workers.
9 Important Reminders For A People Pleaser
1. You arenโt responsible for other peopleโs emotions.
Whether you tend to do everything your partner wants, or you strive to make your co-workers like you, your people-pleasing efforts mean you’re taking on too much responsibility.
Everyone is in charge of his or her own emotionsโand you canโt make anyone feel happy. Itโs up to other people to cope with uncomfortable feelings like disappointment or anger. Itโs not your job to protect them from those things.
2. People pleasers are easily manipulated.
You can often spot a people pleaser a mile awayโand the more an individual says yes to requests, the more things are asked of her. People pleasers become easy targets. Someone may ask favors of them by saying things like, โI hate to ask you this, butโฆโ or โI wouldnโt ask anyone else, but youโre such a good friend.โ
Whether you feel guilted into doing something, or you feel honored that youโve been entrusted with favor, you may be easily manipulated when others know that your primary goal is to please people.
Want to have some more reminders for a people pleaser? Read Being a People-Pleaser: Why Itโs Dangerous and How to Stop
3. Every time you say yes to something or someone, you are unwittingly saying no to someone or something else at the same time.
That means all this time you spend trying to be a โyesโ man or woman is totally bogus. So choose your โyesesโ wisely. Your choices will always be unfavorable to some people.
4. Trying to please people drains your resources.
Trying to please everyone will rob you of mental strength. The more you think about whether someone is going to be upset, or how to phrase your decision in a way that isnโt offensive, the fewer resources youโll have to devote to the decisions that matter most.
Worrying, ruminating, and rehashing conversations wonโt help you get anywhere. If you spent that same time and energy being productive, youโd accomplish much more.
5. You cannot please everyone all of the time.
Seriously. You really canโt.
Want to know more about how you can stop being a people pleaser? Read 5 Lessons For People Pleasers
6. When you try to please everyone, you end up disappointing almost everyone, especially yourself.
Think about it. You say โyesโ to 5 different things and as a result, you cannot possibly show up as the best possible version of yourself. How could you? Youโre spread too thin! And then you probably end up late for something or some deadline, which makes you look flaky, causing you to be upset with yourself.
Listen to your instinct. It will never steer you wrong. Say no when you donโt want to say yes. It makes sense. Itโs the stronger and wiser thing to do.
7. People will respect you more.
And as an added bonus, people will trust you more, because they know that you are not the kind of person who says yes to something you donโt want to do, nor are you someone who asks for something you donโt truly deserve.
8. Staying true to your values.
People pleasing can become a habit that causes you to lose sight of your values. Learning to tolerate people being upset with you can be hard, but itโs essential to reaching your goals.
Your words and your behavior must be in line with your beliefs before you can be truly authenticโand authenticity is the key to becoming your best self.
9. And finally, as a kind-hearted person who says yes only when you want to.
Youโll be more focused on things you actually want to do, putting you in a better mood, and making you a more successful person.
5 Keys to Finally Say ‘No’
1. Make peace with the fact that not everyone is going to like youโand actually, thatโs okay.
The quote at the start of this article says it all. It certainly set my own mindset shift into motion a few years ago when I decided enough was enough and that I was going to start putting myself first.
When I feel my own pleaser instincts kick in, I always take the time to remember that itโs okay for people not to like me; I donโt like everyone and everyone isnโt going to like me.
As a pleaser, your main drive will be to do everything in your power to make someone like you. For me, and for many other pleasers, this comes from a place of severe low self-esteem. Basically, when people like you, you like yourself; when they donโt, your opinion of yourself drops.
The best way to lessen the need for validation from others is to start working on loving yourself and increasing your self-esteem.
As a starting point list all of the things that you love about yourself. Aim for at least ten things initially, and refer back to it and add to it regularly. Also, start treating yourself as you would a loved one or really good friend, and start connecting with people who love and accept themselves as they are. Model their behavior until it becomes your own.
Looking to know more reminders for a people pleaser? Read Are You A People-Pleaser? How Trying To Please Others Too Much Will Harm You
2. Learn to say no in a way that feels okay to you. (No making excuses allowed!)
โNoโ is a word that many of us could stand to use a little more often. How many times have you said no only to go back on your decision when putting under a little bit of pressure from another person?
I used to do that all the time or I would say no and then make a number of excuses to justify my decision (many of these were white lies to make saying no more feasible).
The thing with making excuses rather than offering a firm and honest no, complete with a truthful reason that you can stick to, is that it opens up the possibility of negotiation with the other person. If that happens, your inner pleaser is likely to give in and youโll once again find yourself doing things that you donโt want to do and putting yourself last.
So, how do you stop this behavior? Say no in a way that feels good to you, but in a way that is strong.
You donโt have to use a one-word answer, but you should be truthful; for example, โI would love to help, but unfortunately, I have booked a me day that day,โ or โThat sounds like a great opportunity, but I think someone else would be better placed to help.โ
Stick to the original answer and if someone tries to enter into negotiation them simply but firmly repeat it.
3. Accept that you will feel guilty when you say no to something the first few times.
Pleasers often feel guilty when they say no to a request. You probably feel that you are being selfish or that you have let someone down. This is misplaced guilt. You have done nothing wrong, and that person will most likely find another solution to their problem.
When you feel guilty, honor the feeling, but think about how much worse you would feel if you said yes to yet another thing that you didnโt want to do. The likelihood is that this would feel worse. Remember that the guiltily feeling will fade quickly.
If you feel that bad, grab your journal and list all the pros and cons of your decision. I bet the pros list is longer!
4. Start setting some boundaries.
Itโs okay to put yourself first. In fact, you will be a happier, more productive, and more amazing person for it. The best way to do that? Set some boundaries. When we stand for nothing, we will fall for everything, as they say!
Find somewhere quiet, where you wonโt be distracted or interrupted, and list all of the things that youโve done over the past three to six months that you didnโt want to do.
Once you have your list, go through and write down the reasons that you didnโt want to do each thing. You will probably notice some recurring reasons; for example, it cut into my time with my family, it made me too tired, it wasnโt something I was comfortable doing becauseโฆ
Use these reasons to start setting some boundaries for yourself. For example:
Getting enough sleep is important to me. If it stops me getting eight hours a night I will say no.
I donโt want to be around negative energy. If something is going to expose me to negative energy, I will say no.
If something goes against my values of honesty and integrity, I will say no.
Start by setting yourself four or five boundaries at first, and then practice upholding these over the next few months. You can then add more and gradually build up knowing what you will and will not accept in your life.
5. Let go of the people who use your people-pleaser tendencies on purpose.
As with anything in this life, there are people who will try to take advantage of your good nature.
As you begin to raise your levels of self-esteem and start to assert yourself, you will begin to see those who are trying to trigger your inner people-pleaser for their own benefit.
They will be the ones who deliberately try to push your buttons, no matter how many times you say no. They will continue to overstep the boundaries that you set.
The best thing to do here is to let them fall away from your life and accept the lessons that theyโve taught you about who you are and what you want in life.
If itโs not possible the let someone go completely, if they are a family member for example, simply create some healthy distance and prepare for any meetings that you may have with them by reaffirming your boundaries to yourself.
Remember, this is a process and if you slip back into old behaviors donโt be too hard on yourself. But do keep going and making progress, your life and self-esteem will be much better as a result!
If you want to know more reminders for a people pleaser, then check out this video below:
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.