Trust me. I’ve had to carry that and it’s heavy and it sucks.
So what do you do?
Besides the obvious like couples counseling and communication, you start to rebuild your relationship with yourself.
So many people think repairing a relationship only has to do with the dynamic and the other person and forget about the relationship with themselves.
So then the big question is
What does it look like to start working on the relationship with yourself?
It’s going to look different for everyone of course. I can tell you what it looked like for me.
Lots of being still.
For most of my life, I’ve lived with noise. Drowning in my thoughts. You have to be still to think clearly or you’re just reacting.
If you want to connect with yourself, you have to minimize the mental chatter. I lived from my chest. Connecting with me meant connecting to my breath and staying out of my head.
Seeking new experiences.
We learn about ourselves through new experiences. Not through our thoughts. And new experiences don’t just fall on our lap. We have to seek them.
That means we have to give them to ourselves. In these new experiences, I started to create new beliefs about myself.
When you negotiate too much, you start drifting from you. Non-negotiables created a framework for me to start rebuilding me. I created non-negotiables with friends, work, career, etc.
Committing to promises I made to myself (this is how you build self esteem).
When it came to promises I made to myself, I talked a lot of shit but rarely did anything. You can’t build self esteem if you keep breaking promises you’ve made to yourself.
The action of keeping promises to you is what loving yourself looks like. This is how I started to trust myself again.
Standing on my truth.
I stopped exchanging my truth for membership. I started to care less what others thought and did what I felt was honest to me. In all areas of my life. Period.
Finding my voice.
I lost my voice many years ago. And when you lose your voice, you live muted. And that’s not living. That’s existing.
I allowed myself to be heard again. Not only by speaking up but also through creative expression like writing.
Discovering my wants and needs, and knowing the difference.
You have to know what you want before you can actually give yourself that. So I started to discover what I wanted and didn’t want. In all areas of my life.
But before that, you have to know what you need. And that comes before your wants. It’s the foundation.
Finding a sense of purpose.
I never really had a sense of purpose. So I just floated through life chasing things. Purpose gave me tracks. And it pulled me our of my own unhappiness because there was now something greater.
Reconnecting to my body.
I worked out but never really connected to my body. Movement through my body made me feel whole and complete instead of just having parts.
Finally liking myself.
I finally started liking myself by accepting myself. All parts of me as I started to let go of my insecurities and practice self love and compassion.
I realized how insignificant all of that stuff was in the bigger picture. I guess I never had a bigger picture before.
As you go through this process of rediscovering and reconnecting with yourself, your relationship with your partner will either get better or worse.
You guys will grow closer or drift apart. Naturally. Because as you change, the dynamic of your relationship will change. You will either rediscover love with your partner or drift.
And that’s when you will truly know if it’s over.
You get to realize that it is no more.
Written By John Kim - The Angry Therapist Subscribe to audio course? “No more unhealthy relationships.” Click HERE If you want to build yourself a brand new container, get the book HERE. If you wanna be a life coach, come ride with us HERE. Originally appeared on Medium.com