I had a sudden epiphany, a mature, responsible voice inside that said: no, not this time. I’m not going to feel sorry for myself. I’m going to take care of myself and be healthy. I’m going to go to the gym instead of the bar. I’m going to invest in my relationship with myself so that I learn to like myself again. After that, maybe even love me. And it worked! I actually changed for the better and that one resolution put me on the path to actually finding and having a healthy relationship.
So write about it. Talk about it. Maybe talking to your friends and family will be enough, maybe you need to find a good therapist (the right therapist can literally change your life!). And be kind to yourself! Don’t beat yourself up, physically and emotionally. Work on healing, work on being better. And you will surely recover from being cheated on and be able to trust again.
2. It’s not personal
Believe me, I know it feels so personal. He chose her, he didn’t want you, hence, you are not good enough. You are worthless. You are unattractive. You are just plain bad. You will never get what you want in life.
I know how that song goes, I’ve sung it many times over. When you allow these beliefs you get wired in, you ruin yourself. And you blame him for ruining you but it wasn’t him. It was your reaction to what he did that was your undoing. Blaming yourself is an obstacle that don’t let you recover from being cheated on.
Honestly, it had nothing to do with you. It was about him. He needed something. Maybe he needed validation, maybe he needed someone shiny and new to worship him, maybe he just needed to feel good about himself, whatever it is, it was his need that lead him to stray, not your lack.
Men don’t usually cheat because they no longer love their partners or find them attractive. It’s because they need a certain emotional fix. In my relationship, he felt like a worthless loser (these were his words, we talked about this a lot but I’ll get to that later). I saw his real, raw self and I wanted to take care of him … and in doing so, I kind of became his mommy. I cared for him like he was a little boy and there is nothing sexy about that dynamic.
I’m not saying what he did was right, what he did was absolutely awful. But can I sort of understand the appeal for him of having this hot sexy girl who worshipped him and thought he was manly and amazing? Yes, because I didn’t look at him that way anymore. I looked at him as a problem I needed to solve. And I did care about him deeply, but not in the same way. He had an opportunity to start fresh, to be with someone who inspired him to get his life together (as opposed to me, who made him feel all too comfortable in his misery), and he took it.
Everyone has what they want to give and get from a relationship. Sometimes it isn’t a match — what you want to give is what he wants to get and vice versa — and sometimes it isn’t. He and I just weren’t compatible. We weren’t good together. It was always too hard, always full of issues, always so sad and dreary. It just wasn’t a match and that’s not such a big deal.
So, if you want to recover from being cheated on, then remember it’s not personal.
3. Don’t punish the next guy for the last one’s mistake
This is probably the number one question I get from women who have been cheated on: how can I trust again? And it’s not easy to trust a new guy when the last one left you absolutely shattered. But here’s the thing, you will never get the love you want unless you are able to open yourself back up again.