6. Empty a man’s bank account on the promise of love then blame him for a poor budget. When they are not getting their way, or if confronted, they will viciously attack a weak and tired man (who’s been working to provide) then berate his lack of energy.
7. Start fights with the man’s family members, friends, or other males, and if he doesn’t take their side, he will be stonewalled and questioned for his commitment. Sometimes, they will provoke another man to the point of fighting, and demand that you defend their honor. This is abuse. Get out.
8. Initiate the cycle of abuse at night, keep him awake, or try to make him orgasm as much as possible so that he becomes weak and disoriented. If he likes to orgasm, they will pathologize his sex drive. Sleep and sex control are common tactics of abuse. The skilled victim’s main assault is on his ability to be present, think clearly, and pursuit of anything that does not involve the victim’s plans.
9. When a man finally stands up for himself and refuses to take any more punishment, the skilled victim may become desperate, attack the man, and then tell the world they’ve been abused. They may take the children and use this false “abuse” as an excuse to keep them away from him, and then move to the next target (often the children).
This list is by no means exhaustive.
As an abused man I complained and pleaded. The more I pointed out their behavior, the worse it got. Finally, after having left the Ferris Wheel of victim and abuser, I have uncovered the following essential treasures:
The abuse is telling you that you need to step more fully into your path in life, your passions, and take responsibility for your gifts. The skilled victim will do anything to destroy them in order to feel loved.
Don’t give in.
A healthy partner will respect your boundaries, feel more secure in them, and will have a chance to heal inside your firmness.
The skilled victim is actually an external representation of the damage you are causing yourself by apologizing for things you shouldn’t, making waves out of your Yes’s and No’s, and folding your dreams for their satisfaction. Wake up. The only thing you should apologize for is not being yourself. Find a way to be You.
Learn about secondary gains. They provide the reason you keep finding partners like this. You are gaining the benefit of not having to be your own hero – a massive responsibility. Take out the IV, get off the bed and stand up. If they keep cutting you down, leave them.
- Men that lead from their heart thwart all abuse. Believe beyond reproach that what is good for you is good for the planet. It’s sexy.
- Skilled victims don’t know who they are. Their accusations and insults are actually how they feel about themselves and their self-appraisals are actually positive characteristics they have borrowed from you.
Related: 4 Bullshit Myths About Men
- Leaving a relationship like this requires you to grieve. Learn how to cry, join a men’s group (I have an online one), and start doing what you know all along you need to do – for you.
- Being abused is not a reason to stay in victimhood and complain. If you remain like this you will turn into a skilled victim. Please don’t.
- If your children witnessed the abuse, your leaving and self-empowering will inspire them to rise above as well.
- Expert victims should never be expected to change, but as the real victim, you should expect to change yourself. Abuse, at some level, is a deep wake up call to spirited action.
Written by Jordan Kozey Originally appeared on Jordan Kozey