Do you ever think – “Why do I attract toxic people?” Is something wrong with you? Are you sending the wrong messages and vibes? Or do you possess certain qualities that toxic people look for in their victims?
Are you attracted to toxicity?
We often get frustrated at all the toxic people who are present in our lives as they can significantly affect our mental and emotional health. However, before we can begin to blame others for their toxicity, we need to take a good, hard look at ourselves to understand why we attract them in the first place. We need to realize that our own thoughts, behaviors, and actions are the primary reasons for this toxic attraction. “Who we attract has a lot to do with who we are,” explains author and leadership coach Lolly Daskal.
No. This doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you. It simply means you are attracting toxic people due to certain traits which such toxic individuals find specifically alluring and attractive. “Modern dating is no walk in the park, but sometimes, we set ourselves up for failure,” writes HuffPost senior reporter Brittany Wong. She adds “Consider yourself the annoying little pebble in your shoe that’s making the walk all the more unbearable.” So before you ask “Why do I attract toxic people?“, figure out if you are subconsciously attracted to toxicity.
Read also: Shocking Reasons You Keep Attracting Toxic Love
Positivity attracts toxicity
Unfortunately, it is your positive attitude, unique perspective and healthy approach to life that makes you attract the wrong people. Author and spiritual chaplain Cylon George explains “It might not occur to you that some of your strongest positive attributes may actually be attracting toxic people.”
Toxic individuals feel greatly threatened by your positivity and your optimism about life makes you an easy target for them. They believe that by dominating, controlling and bullying you, by taking away your inner peace and happiness they will feel powerful. It helps them to boost their fragile egos and their shattered self-esteem. “The key is not to suppress your positive character strengths, but to educate yourself so toxic people can’t use them against you,” suggests Cylon.
Why do I attract toxic people? Here’s The Answer
If you are a magnet for toxic individuals, here are 7 reasons why you attract toxic people and how to stop attracting toxic people:
1. You listen and understand others
You are a great listener and toxic people love to be heard. They take this advantage to talk to you about everything and anything just to feel important and wanted. They will talk for hours even if you are not interested and share their negativity with you every time you meet them. As you are an empathetic listener, they will constantly talk about themselves, without hearing your opinions or stories. Cylon adds “You may find yourself unwittingly becoming the target of a conversational bully or narcissist.”
How to deal with it:
Instead of asking “Why do I attract toxic people?”, create some healthy boundaries when interacting with toxic people and decide how much time you are willing to spend with them beforehand. Have an exit strategy and use it confidently when your predetermined time is over. Cylon suggests “Limit your conversations with toxic people to no more than a few minutes.”
Read also: 8 Deep Questions To Ask Yourself If You Keep Attracting Toxic and Manipulative Partners
2. You are a problem solver
You love fixing things and people. You love to help others heal. And this can be a sure-fire way for attracting toxic people. “You have a hard time leaving things alone. You think of yourself as a great problem-solver, but that often means overstepping boundaries and causing havoc in your relationships,” writes Lolly Daskal. Toxic individuals love emotional healers as it is easy for them to take advantage of your compassionate nature and willingness to help others selflessly.
How to deal with it:
If you want an answer to “Why do I attract toxic people?”, you need to learn to let things go. You need to realize that you cannot fix everything and everyone. Being a healer and a fixer can be a great trait to have, but a good rule of thumb is to help only when you’re asked for it. When you put yourself out there and help others willingly out of your good nature, you are only making yourself a target for toxic people.
3. You’re generous
Still wondering “Why do I attract toxic people?” It’s because you have a good heart. Although generosity may be a trait most of us want to have, it can often be a recipe for attracting toxic people. Narcissists and abusive people will be drawn to you when you cater to their every need and give them the attention they desperately seek. As you keep giving into their demands, they will ask for more and gain control over you. This can make you bitter and resentful.
How to deal with it:
It’s okay to be generous but it is also important to establish healthy boundaries. Learn to decline requests that may be damaging for your own mental and emotional wellbeing. Cylon explains “Generosity without boundaries is a recipe for toxic relationships. To establish healthy and reasonable boundaries, start by becoming aware of your feelings and needs.”
Read also: Why Do You Keep Attracting Narcissists and How to Avoid Getting Involved With Them
4. You’re passionate
Toxic people are often attracted towards individuals who are driven and have a certain positive energy that enables them to pursue their dreams. They often feel scared by people who have dreams and are motivated to accomplish them. So they will spread their toxicity and discourage you to keep you from succeeding. “They’ll try to plant seeds of fear and doubt. And as you begin to make progress, they’ll double down on their strategy,” adds Cylon. Hope this helps to answer the nagging question – “Why do I attract toxic people?”
How to deal with it:
Be around people who are as passionate as you are. People who have similar dreams and goals as you and are as motivated as you feel. Surround yourself with positive people and do not share your dreams with close-minded or negative individuals.
5. You have personal baggage
Most of us have some emotional baggage that we carry from our past and into our present. Childhood trauma, past experiences and toxic relationships with your ex can often make you feel insecure and vulnerable. And this can prove to be highly attractive to toxic people. Your vulnerability and emotional scars make it easier for them to prey on you, dominate you and abuse you. They pull you down by making you feel more insecure and make you doubt your own self worth.
Relationship therapist Aaron Anderson says “Nobody likes to hear this, but let’s face it, baggage really is a possibility. You can’t help it if you’re hung up on your ex or if your parents weren’t particularly the best and you’re repeating the same patterns.” This is perhaps one of the most brutal realizations while figuring out “Why do I attract toxic people?”
How to deal with it:
Instead of running away from the past, start by facing it. Acknowledge your emotional baggage and start healing yourself from the inside. Instead of looking for someone else to help you overcome your baggage, empower yourself with self-love and self-care. “Do some work on you,” suggests Anderson.
Read also: 10 Ways To Deal With Toxic People Who Spread Negativity
6. You’re a perfectionist
You seek to achieve perfection in every aspect of your life, including your relationships. Attracting toxic people becomes a lot easier when you are always running after perfection. By constantly striving hard to have the perfect relationship, the perfect partner or being the perfect spouse, you show toxic people that you are willing to do anything to make your relationship great. “Toxic people are quick to manipulate you into doing all kinds of things in the name of perfection,” writes Lolly Daskal. You may not not always find the most satisfying answer to your question – “Why do I attract toxic people?”, but accepting the truth is a great place to start changing.
How to deal with it:
“Get your self-esteem up to healthy levels,” she suggests. When you have a healthy sense of self-worth and self-esteem, you will stop pursuing perfection unnecessarily. It is also important that you set healthy personal boundaries. Lolly adds “Practice positive thinking and affirmations, be grateful for your opportunities and abilities, and focus on your mission and purpose to take the weight off yourself.”
Therapist Jennifer Behnke says “No one is perfect. No relationship is perfect. You must be willing to balance having expectations while also accepting your partner for who they are.”
7. You’re a positive person
Why do I attract toxic people? Because you’re optimistic. Your positive approach to life may be attracting toxic people. Narcissists and negative individuals live in a dark world and with a heavy heart. Your positivity is addictive to them as you make them feel good and see the light. However, instead of stepping into the light themselves, they will pull you into their darkness. “As the saying goes, opposites attract. Sometimes the positive light you shine attracts people who are craving the light themselves,” explains spiritual chaplain Cylon George.
Unfortunately, your positivity makes you highly tolerant towards toxic people. He adds “You may find yourself enduring their negative and even abusive behavior. And you actually may not realize that you are in a relationship with a toxic person until the situation becomes dire.”
How to deal with it:
Trust your intuition. Listen to your gut feelings when it tells you to be careful and cautious about someone. Although your optimism and positivity make it challenging for you to withdraw from others, you need to consider the warning signs and protect yourself, mentally and emotionally. Cylon suggests “If you’re in an emotionally negative or abusive situation, don’t second-guess the discomfort you feel inside.”
Read also: The Horror Of Toxic Positivity: Why Positive Thinking Can Be Harmful
Avoid toxicity, embrace positivity
Once you start implementing the above mentioned suggestions in your life, you can finally stop attracting toxic people and set healthy boundaries. “Focus on taking care of you and disabuse yourself of the belief that a relationship is a shortcut to happiness or feeling fulfilled with where you’re at in life,” writes Brittany Wong.
Your positivity is undoubtedly a gift that you need to protect from those who intend to abuse it. Despite how much these toxic individuals try to influence you, never allow them to convince you from being your most authentic self. Cylon concludes “Just be aware of this reality so you can better spot danger when it arises and take positive, protective measures.”
Read also: The Type Of Toxic Person You Attract, Based On Your Zodiac Sign
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs):
What should I do to attract non toxic people?
If you want to avoid non-toxic people then you need to set strong personal boundaries around toxic people. Understand what toxic traits you may possess and stay away from toxic individuals. You also need to put yourself first and avoid underestimating yourself.
What kind of women attract narcissists?
Strong, kind, independent, ambitious, confident and empathetic women often tend to attract toxic partners. Narcissists prey on strong women and exploit the opportunities they offer. Toxic people also feed on a woman’s empathy, patience & tolerance and keep pushing their boundaries.
What turns a toxic person off?
The best way to avoid and deal with a toxic person is to avoid playing their mind game. Simply focus on your wellbeing and your life, be assertive, have strong boundaries, avoid taking their behaviors personally, learn to say ‘no’ and move on.
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