Are you going through a dry spell in the bedroom? Have you been wondering why your sex drive is gone, despite having a great partner?
“Why has my sexual desire decreased?” — five words I hear strung together on a daily basis in my job as a sex therapist. Often, they’re accompanied by worry, sadness and sometimes even panic.
Losing our sexual spark can be distressing and all-consuming. Most of us don’t know a whole lot about sexual desire, and what we think we know — is often wrong.
In pop culture, libido is portrayed as this instant, chemical reaction and the existence of which depends entirely on hormones.
Do you know want to know more about the reality of low sexual desire among couples? Read 15 Married Men And Women Confess Why They Stopped Having Sex with Each Other on Askreddit
Men, in and of themselves, are seen as raging hormones, and women are viewed as hormonal nutters who never want sex.
None of this is actually true — men don’t always want sex(!) and women actually do want sex a whole lot of the time. And our yearning for sex has to do with a lot more than just our hormones.
Sexual desire is a complex phenomenon. One that’s affected by things such as our relationship with our partner , and our relationship with ourselves.
If you’re suffering from a lackluster libido, you might want to hold off on the conclusion that there’s something wrong with your body just yet, and instead look to the following 3 reasons as possible explanations for your lacking drive. My guess is at least one of them will answer your question.
Here Are 3 Reasons Why Your Sex Drive Is Gone
1. You have sex to please your partner.
If I had to list only one culprit, it would perhaps be this one.
Sleeping with your partner to please them isn’t always a bad idea; but most of the time, at least from the perspective of a sex therapist, it is.
When it becomes the main reason you engage in sex with your partner, it tends to do a number on a lot of things, including your libido.
Do you ever feel pressured by your partner to have sex? Read How Sex Pressure From Males Can Permanently Diffuse A Female’s Sex Drive
Our sex drive is a kind of motivational system. In order for us to feel like having sex, we need to give our libido an incentive to kick into gear. But not just any old incentive — it needs to be pleasure-based.
This means, if you have sex in order to get rid of a negative effect instead of trying to create a positive one, your sex drive will in time, diminish.
For example, instead of having sex in order to get closer to your partner or experience sexual pleasure — you might be engaging in sex so you can stop your partner from bringing up how long it’s been.
Or to get your partner to stop nagging you.
Or to stop edging closer to you on the sofa while you’re watching Netflix.
Or — to not leave you.
But the more you experience sex as an unpleasant activity, the more your brain comes to view sex as something you should avoid. Effectively, it tries to get you to avoid it by shutting down your libido. After all — the brain sees a thriving sex drive as the means to a grim end.
Having sex for the sole purpose of pleasing your partner can also lead to situations where sex feels like, or even turns into, sexual assault. If this is you, I’d urge you to seek help from a professional. It doesn’t have to be like this.
For all of these reasons, and more, it’s important to refrain from having sex if you don’t actually want it or don’t enjoy it while you’re having it.