All couples fight. Period. When handled with love, respect and understanding, couples can resolve their conflicts and learn how to work things out in a healthy way. Do you and your partner fight constantly in your relationship?
Stop fighting — before it’s too late.
If you’re not fighting it in your relationship, you’re probably single. This isn’t to say that “his” and “her” boxing gloves should hang in the bathroom next to the towels, but fighting — even in healthy relationships — is part of a happily ever after, whether we like it or not.
Plainly put, it’s almost impossible to hang around someone all the time and never get annoyed, pissed off, or hurt. Still, there is a huge disconnect between fighting every once in a while and fighting all of the time.
So if couples’ fights are constantly bringing you down, there are some important questions to ask yourself that can help you learn how to resolve conflict and improve communication with your partner.
Why do fights occur, even in healthy relationships, and how do you resolve conflict with your partner?
Many conflicts between two partners escalate because of one silent question each person is wondering: “Am I respected?”
Of course, there are other questions that might also be touched upon: “Does this person really want to be with me? Should I leave? Is this a red flag? Are we delaying the inevitable breakup?”
The problem with these questions is that they are about as loaded as they come. They are also not benign.
Rather, these worries question the foundation of your relationship. Instead of allowing yourself to take a step back, take a deep breath, and think, “We are strong enough to get through this”, these types of questions ignite your fight-or-flight instincts.
You either stay and argue, or you think about packing up your suitcase and walking out the door. Cue dramatic exit.
These questions also block effective communication with your partner. Suddenly, you aren’t two people fighting for your relationship or working toward conflict resolution. Instead, you are fighting to see if you can get your way, win the argument, and earn the proverbial medal and hang it from your bedpost.
Fighting from this stance will nearly always bring up past baggage and a sense of heaviness that makes even the pettiest, no-big-deal fights seem surmountable.
This is not a healthy relationship. Instead, you and your partner need to learn how to improve communication and conflict resolution skills as a couple.
Here are 3 questions to ask yourself if you and your partner are constantly fighting in your relationship.
1. Are You Whole and Complete?
Ask yourself: “If I felt completely loved and I knew I was whole and complete, how would I enter into and handle the situation?”
You are asking from a place of security. You know you are loved. You know you are whole. You know you are complete. This stops you from trying to get something from the other person — validation or satisfaction or a simple sense of winning the argument — that you can use to hold over their head at a later date.
When you approach a conflict knowing that you are safe, you act accordingly. You’re in control. You’re rational. You’re open. You’re willing to work together to find a solution for both parties involved.
You also can bring this safety and security into the conversation as an offering. Your partner will feel less threatened. Their biology will naturally begin to mimic yours, staying away from a ‘fight or flight response’.