4 Questions You Need To Ask Before Getting Back Together

questions ask before getting back together

If going back to your ex is a matter of not wanting to take responsibility—financial, emotional, or otherwise—speak to friends, family, community members, or professionals who can help you find the necessary tools and resources to become more independent.

Reuniting with an ex should only be an option if you genuinely feel love for him or her and believe you will be able to provide each other with the mutual, positive support needed to build a satisfying, respectful, and lasting relationship together—not because you are dependent on them.

Related: When You Thought You Two Had A Future Together

3. Are You Truly Committed To Making It Work?

Re-entering a relationship with an ex should only be considered if you are truly committed to making the changes necessary to create a valuable relationship. That means uncovering and discussing all of the reasons it didn’t work before and improving upon them by developing new skills surrounding relationship maintenance, coping, and communication.

This is usually best done under the guidance of an experienced couples therapist. Committing to the improvements you and your partner will need to make, and holding each other accountable, will help ensure long-term love.

Remember: If you carry the bricks from your past relationship to the new one, you will build the same house. Don’t go back if it is merely to restore the negative intricacies and patterns of your past relationship; it is ultimately a waste of time and unfair to you and your partner.

4. Is Your Partner On The Same Page?

While you may be fully motivated to rebuild your relationship and believe you can make it work, if your ex-partner is not as fully dedicated to repairing your relationship, it is unlikely to succeed.

Before jumping in with both feet, openly discuss your ex-partner’s thoughts, feelings, desires, and his or her willingness to rebuild the relationship, and what revisiting it means for him or her.

Related: What The Desire To Go Back To Your Ex Says About You


© Mariana Bockarova, PhD

Dailey, R. M., Hampel, A. D., & Roberts, J. B. (2010). Relational maintenance in on-again/off-again relationships: An assessment of how relational maintenance, uncertainty, and commitment vary by relationship type and status.
Communication Monographs, 77(1), 75-101. Dailey, R. M., Pfiester, A., Jin, B., Beck, G., & Clark, G. (2009).
On‐again/off‐again dating relationships: How are they different from other dating relationships? Personal Relationships, 16(1), 23-47. Dailey, R. M., Jin, B., Pfiester, A., & Beck, G. (2011).
On-again/off-again dating relationships: what keeps partners coming back? The Journal of Social Psychology, 151(4), 417-440.
Vennum, A., Lindstrom, R., Monk, J. K., & Adams, R. (2014). “It’s complicated” The continuity and correlates of cycling in cohabiting and marital relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 31(3), 410-430.

Written By Mariana Bockarova Originally Appeared In Psychology Today

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Questions Ask Before Getting Back Together
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4 Questions You Need To Ask Before Getting Back Together
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Mariana Bockarova

Mariana Bockarova is interested in trauma, interpersonal relationships, and human behavior — essentially, how we are affected by other people (including corporations and brands, which our brains similarly interpret as people!). She pursued her Bachelor's degree from the University of Toronto, followed by her Master's at Harvard University where she graduated with distinction. She is currently teaching various courses in psychology at the University of Toronto and consults on a range of topics. She is often interviewed by Cosmopolitan Magazine and has been featured in the Daily Mail, The Sun (UK), Prevention Magazine, Vice, and Medium, among others.View Author posts