Scars That Last: PTSD From Emotional Abuse In A Relationship

 / 

, ,
PTSD From Emotional Abuse In A Relationship

Love shouldn’t hurt, but leaving can be just as painful. PTSD from emotional abuse in a relationship can have severe impacts. Learn what they are.

I wanted to leave, but I didn’t know how…

Stop. Just stop asking why a woman is so stupid and so weak when she stays in an abusive relationship. There’s no answer you can possibly understand.

Your judgment only further shames abused women. It shames women like me.

There was no punch on the very first date with my ex-husband. That’s not normally how abusive marriages start. In fact, my first date was probably pretty similar to yours: he was charming, he paid attention to me, and he flattered me.

Of course, the red flags were there at the beginning of my relationship. But I was young and naรฏve, probably much like you were at the beginning of your relationship.

Except my marriage took a different turn than yours.

Emotional abuse in a relationship takes time to build. It’s slow and methodical and incessant, much like a dripping kitchen faucet.

It begins like a little drip you don’t even notice โ€” an off-hand remark that is “just a joke.” I’m told I’m too sensitive and the remark was no big deal. It seems so small and insignificant at the time. I probably am a little too sensitive.

DRIP, DRIP.

I occasionally notice the drip but it’s no big deal. A public joke made at my expense is just my partner being the usual life of the party. When he asks if I’m wearing this dress out or whom I’m going with, it only means he loves me and cares about me.

When he tells me he doesn’t like my new friend, I agree. Yes, I can see where she can be bossy. My husband is more important than a friend, so I pull away and don’t continue the friendship.

DRIP, DRIP.

The drip is getting annoying, but you don’t sell your house over a leaky faucet.

When a playful push was a little more than playful, I tell myself he didn’t really mean it.

He forgets he’s stronger than me. When I confront him in yet another lie he’s told, he tells me I’m crazy for not believing him. Maybe I’m crazy … I’m beginning to feel a little crazy.

Related: How Abusive Relationships Trap us Into Not Leaving

I begin to compensate for the drips in my marriage. I’ll be better. I’ll be a better wife. I’ll make sure the house is clean and dinner is always prepared. And when he doesnโ€™t even come home for dinner, I’ll keep it wrapped and warmed in the oven for him.

On a night I’m feeling feisty, I feed his dinner to the dog before he comes home. I’m not feeling quite as smug well after midnight when he does show up. I quickly get out of bed and go to the kitchen as he yells at me to make him dinner.

Waking me from sleep becomes a regular occurrence. I no longer allow myself deep, restful sleep. I’m always listening and waiting.

In the morning, I’ll shush the kids to keep them quiet so they don’t wake up daddy. We all begin to walk on eggshells around him.

DRIP, DRIP.

The drip is flowing pretty strong now. I’m afraid to put a bucket under it and see how much water I’m really losing. Denial is setting in.

If I hadn’t said what I did, he wouldn’t have gotten so mad. It’s my fault; I need to just keep quiet. I should know better than to confront him when he’s been drinking.

Related: Recovery From Abusive Relationships. How Long Does It Take?

He’s right โ€” I really am an ungrateful bitch. He goes to work every day so I can stay home with the kids. Of course, he needs time to himself on the way home from work each day.

On the rare occasion, I do meet with my friends, I rush to be home before him. I never ask him to watch the kids so I can do something in the evening. I mustn’t inconvenience him.

We attempt marriage counseling. Although neither of us is totally honest about why we are there, the counselors are open with us about their concerns.

We never spend more than one session with a counselor.

DRIP, DRIP.

I’m working so hard to be the perfect wife and have the perfect family that I don’t take the time to notice there’s water spilling onto the floor.

I know what will make this better. Iโ€™ll get really active outside the home but of course, I’ll still take care of everything in the home and never burden him. And I’ll never dare ask for help.

I’m now the perfect fourth-grade room mother. My church mentors tell me to read books and listen to lectures on praying for my husband and understanding his needs.

Related: 11 Ways To Cope With A Toxic And Estranged Family Relationship

I work very hard to present the front of a perfectly happy family. My kids are involved in multiple activities that I, of course, solely organize and am responsible for.

I’ve begun to drop subtle hints to the other moms but when they confront me I adamantly deny it. No, everything is great, I insist. I point to all the happy family photos I post to Facebook as evidence.

I’m not sure which scares me more: the fear that others will find out my secret, or that my husband will find out I told the truth about our marriage. I realize I’m now afraid of him.

DRIP, DRIP.

And then one day, I wake up and realize the house is flooding. My head bobs under the water. I’m scared.

I also see the fear in my children’s eyes. Oh dear God, what have I done? How did we get here? Who have I become?

The night he throws his cell phone at me and narrowly misses my head, I want to pack the kids in the car and leave. The evening at the dinner table when he stands up and throws a fork at me in front of the kids, I want to leave.

Where would I possibly go? And if I do go somewhere, what will I do? How will I afford to live on my own?

He’s right โ€” I have no skills to survive on my own. I need his money.

“What, you want to leave and go whore around?” he yells to me. “I always knew you were a slut.”

He’s a master at deflection. His actions are no longer the focus; I’m the one on trial now.

I’m no longer the woman I was on our first date. I’ve become timid and weak in front of him. I feel defeated. I chose this man and I gave birth to these children. It’s my fault.

With every breath I take, it’s my duty to keep these kids safe and keep my life together. It’s the only life I’ve known for 20 years. At this point, I don’t know how to do anything else.

I stay.

DRIP, DRIP.

The flood continues. My head bobs under a second time.

On a typical anger-filled evening, I say enough is enough and I decide to fight back. But even in his stumbling drunken stupor, he’s stronger than I am.

I see the look in his eye as he hovers over me. He has biologically been given the ability to kill. That look in his eye terrifies me.

“Go ahead and leave,” he sneers to me. “But the kids stay here.”

My retreat that night is all it takes to turn the faucet on all the way and force me to tread water, if not for my life, then at the very least for my sanity.

Related: How Toxic Family Dynamics Can Cause C-PTSD In Emotionally Intense Children

Despite my best attempts, my secret has been exposed. I can’t just up and leave like well-meaning friends tell me to. It’s not that easy.

I have no money. In fact, he found my secret stash I’d been working on for almost a year. I thought I was so careful that no bank records would come to the house. He must have broken in to my email.

I should’ve known better. He always kept close tabs on me. He hated when I accused him of spying on me, so I just let him snoop.

He made me feel so guilty and ashamed when I handed over my secret savings to him. I wonder what he did with the money? I know it didn’t get used for the kids needs. I assume he drank it or gambled it or used it to impress another woman.

I’m stuck. I stay.

DRIP DRIP

Dear God, please don’t let me go under a third time. My family is beyond rescue, but please save me and save my kids.

I’m one of the lucky ones. I’m no longer in the marriage, yet my scars run deep.

Can You Have PTSD From Emotional Abuse In A Relationship?

Abuse doesn’t always manifest as a black eye or a bloody wound. The effects of psychological abuse are just as damaging.

I entered counseling and was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. The psychological abuse kept me fearful, the depression and anxiety left me incapable of taking the steps necessary to get out.

Although I initially thought PTSD from abusive relationship – was a bit extreme, it’s been almost three years and certain noises or situations still trigger difficult memories for me.

Related: 6 Common Signs Of An Abusive Relationship Thatโ€™re Often Ignored

When my male boss was angry and yelling at the staff one day, I became physically sick. I felt like I was right back where I was years ago, sitting and cowering on the garage floor, trying to placate the anger of a man towering over me.

I worry that not only have my daughters witnessed a man mistreat a woman, but that my sons have had a poor example to follow of what it means to be a real man.

I stayed for the sake of my children. Now, I blame myself for the effects staying may possibly have on them.

Why did I stay? I stayed because I was isolated; I was financially dependent on him; I was sleep deprived; I was told and I believed I was worthless; I was worn down from constantly being on guard for the next attack.

I stayed because I was more afraid to leave.

Now that you know you can get PTSD from a relationship, are you ready to leave the relationship for your sanity and well being?

Overcome PTSD From Emotional Abuse In A Relationship

Related video on PTSD caused by emotional abuse:

Staying In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Source - YourTango
Republished with permission
.
You Can Get PTSD From Staying In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship
PTSD From An Emotionally Abusive Relationship
PTSD From Emotional Abuse In A Relationship Pin
Relationship PTSD: Symptoms Of PTSD From Emotional Abuse
Relationship PTSD
can you have ptsd from emotional abuse

— Share —

— About the Author —

Responses

  1. David Kojis Avatar
    David Kojis

    My Dad Was very abuse of to my mother his Dad my grampa was the same they told me that it was hereditary but to me, I found that being a Lie I Have been on this earth and I never did raise a hand I had some thought they could do that to me, but I left before that could happen I am great full for doing that

Leave a Reply



Up Next

7 Telltale Signs Of Unresolved Trauma: Recognizing The Invisible Scars

Telltale Signs Of Unresolved Trauma

Have you ever felt like you’re carrying a weight but you don’t know how it got there? And this heavy feeling is always showing up in unexpected ways. The thing is all of us have had experiences that have changed us in many ways, but the scars still remain. I am talking about unresolved trauma and the signs of unresolved trauma.

Most of the time, it’s easy to ignore or suppress what we feel emotionally, however, but ignoring the signs of unresolved emotional trauma will lead to more problems in the future.

Let’s take a closer look at the seven glaring signs that are telling you that it’s high time you take som



Up Next

How To Help A Grieving Loved One: Embracing Empathy

How To Help A Grieving Loved One: Embracing Empathy

When you see someone you love grieving, it can hit hard, and might even make you feel helpless. If your intention is to support a grieving loved one, then you have come to the right place. This article is going to talk about how to help a grieving loved one, and helping someone who is grieving.

KEY POINTS

It’s natural to want to make a grieving loved one “feel better,” but the task should be to help them feel less isolated.

Some well-meaning statements can cause feelings of isolation for those experiencing grief.

It’s important to show grieving loved ones caring, presen



Up Next

What Is Enmeshment Trauma? Understanding The Depths And Impact Of Emotional Entanglement

What Is Enmeshment Trauma? Ways To Break Free

Are you over-burdened by the needs, desires, expectations and emotions of people around you? Do setting healthy and strong boundaries feel impossible for you? If so, you may be experiencing enmeshment trauma. But what is enmeshment trauma and how to heal enmeshment trauma? Letโ€™s find out.

What is Enmeshment Trauma?

Enmeshment trauma is a psychological condition that arises from extreme closeness and blurred boundaries in relationships, making you feel overwhelmed and detached from your own self. 

It is a form of psychological distress caused by an unhealthy relationship where there is no individuality. It usually



Up Next

How To Deal With Trauma Triggers In A Relationship: 6 Strategies for Healing and Connection

How To Deal With Trauma Triggers In A Relationship: Tips

Ever felt extremely emotional or overwhelmed while interacting with your partner? Do you feel distant or exhausted by specific situations and behaviors of loved ones? Trauma triggers in a relationship can severely affect the emotional and mental health of both partners. Thatโ€™s why it is crucial for you to learn how to deal with trauma triggers in a relationship.

Whether you are dating someone with relationship trauma or you are the one who is dealing with such emotional turmoil, understanding the interplay of trauma and relationships can help you better manage these triggers and build healthier and more positive relationships.

What are Trauma Triggers in a Relationship?



Up Next

8 Tips For Healing Attachment Trauma And Building Healthy Connections

Tips For Healing Attachment Trauma and Embracing Freedom

Are you trapped in a cycle of toxic relationships? Do you often ask yourself why you are unable to build or maintain loving, healthy relationships? When you are constantly haunted by past trauma, it can be difficult to connect with others. Understanding the importance of healing attachment trauma can improve your ability to trust others and build more positive relationships.

Trauma is a deep-rooted psychological and emotional wound that can have a profound impact in different aspects of our lives. Learning to identify and overcome certain negative experiences from our past can empower us to build healthy attachment bonds.

So today we are going to explore what is attachment trauma, signs of attachment trauma in adults and attachment trauma treatment. Letโ€™s dive in.



Up Next

The Impact Of Distorted Childhood: 11 Mental Disorders Caused By Childhood Trauma

Childhood Shadows: Mental Disorders Caused By Childhood Trauma

Ever wonder how your childhood experiences shaped you as an individual? Our childhood has a really strong impact in our adult lives and most of the time we donโ€™t even realize how deep this impact is. While positive childhood experiences can boost our self-esteem and confidence, negative and traumatic experiences can lead to serious mental illness. Letโ€™s explore the different mental disorders caused by childhood trauma.

Childhood is an important part of our lives as it strongly influences our physical, mental and emotional development. However, it is also a period when we can become vulnerable to traumatic experiences that can wreak havoc on our mental well-being. 

Today, let us explore the complex relationship between mental illness and childhood trauma and learn โ€œhow can childhood trauma affect mental health?โ€, while exploring



Up Next

Feeling Stuck? Can’t Stop Procrastinating? Learn How Freeze Trauma Response Sneaks Into Your Daily Routine

Freeze Trauma Response Examples And How It Invades Your Life

Have you ever wondered, why it is hard to get out of bed sometimes? Is it a lack of motivation or what? Well, letโ€™s take a look at some freeze trauma response examples to reveal what is behind this experience.

What Is Freeze Trauma Exactly?

Liz Tenuto, โ€œThe Workout Witch,โ€ with 1 million followers, recently explained in a viral TikTok video with 1.6 million views that feeling stuck in daily activities such as getting out of bed or going out could be due to chronic freeze