Like everyone else, you must have also been hurt by breakups. But have you ever thought about why breakups hurt so much, that it makes you crumble inside?
There is no doubt that going through a break-up can be a nasty experience, but what a lot of people are not aware of is that a lot of times the pain you feel from getting dumped isn’t even because of love.
The heartache and sadness people go through post-break-up, more often than not, is actually because of a combination of reasons that aren’t even associated with love at all. This is important when trying to get over someone.
When you can understand what’s really behind your feelings, you will have better control over them and this can help significantly speed up the healing process …ultimately working towards falling out of love with the person. To better understand this, in this article I’m going to outline 5 hidden reasons why a breakup can cause so much pain. And what’s amazing about these, is that they have nothing to do with “love” or your ex being “The One” or anything like that.
5 Hidden Reasons Breakups Cause So Much Pain
1. Worrying that you’ll be “forever alone”.
Whether your relationship was picture perfect or a living nightmare, the feeling of loss is usually generalized in the human experience as painful and depressing. It doesn’t matter if he was Mister or Miss Right; you had already set your mind on tying the knot and living happily ever after. Isn’t that where all relationships go?
Breaking-up with someone means starting over, and some people just can’t handle that. “There’s no one else for me!” and “What if nobody else puts up with me?” are a few common questions people ask themselves in this situation. Looking at things from this perspective, it’s easy to see that this particular, stressful idea isn’t tied to your ex at all. It isn’t about the love you shared – it’s about your own personal welfare. As soon as you find that new, special someone, all fears of being “forever alone” will be thrown out the window.
Want to know more about why breakups hurt? Read The Death of Love: The 7 Stages of Couple Separation
2. Unresolved issues start to rear their ugly heads.
A lot of people, without noticing it, use relationships to cover potholes in their lives. Whatever the problem might be, whether they stem from a poor relationship with a parent or family member, underachievement or plain dissatisfaction with work, or a non-existent friendship circle, it’s always easily kept neat and tidy with a (seemingly) happy little relationship to front the fortress that is your life.
Unless of course, you break-up, then there’s nowhere left for you to run from all your unresolved issues. Again, this particular break-up-induced stressor isn’t tied to your ex at all. Resolve personal issues before engaging in a new relationship, that way you’ll always have something (or someone) to hold on to when things get rough.
3. Ego injury.
Breaking-up and more specifically getting dumped can cause major damage to a person’s ego. Who wouldn’t get hurt knowing someone “didn’t want” them anymore? It’s upsetting and self-worth can usually go down with it, but understanding that this has nothing to do with your ex can help ease the pain.
Learn that your worth isn’t defined by the people around you. If they don’t want to be in your life, then hey, good riddance! It has nothing to do with you as a person, and getting dumped shouldn’t lessen how you see yourself.
People break up with other people all the time for reasons that have nothing to do with the dumpee …but with private reasons that have to do with them themselves. Once you realize that, you take control of your feelings and move on faster from the bad juju.
4. Was I not pretty enough?
After a nasty break-up, a person’s mind tends to go to bad places to find a reason why they were left. Without getting a second opinion, people tend to think that it was because of looks or personality that caused their ex to walk out the door. More often than not, it’s never any of these things.
Much like the unresolved personal issues we talked about in number 3, self-confidence issues can become a problem. Oftentimes, this isn’t about what your ex-thinks about you, it’s what you think about yourself. It’s easy to use a relationship to make you feel better about your insecurities, and it’s even easier to become more insecure if and when that person leaves. Learn to love yourself more and discover all the great things there are about you. The more confident you become in yourself, the less affected you will be when people walk away.
Want to know more about how you can survive a breakup? Read 5 Things To Know About Surviving a Break-Up
5. What now?
The longer you engage in a relationship with someone, the easier it is to get used to the things you do together. Most couples fit their schedules together just to make the most of the time they have. Waking up and turning in for the night are all done synchronously, and that makes a sort of routine that you tend to get used to.
When the relationship is brought to an end, it’s like starting from scratch. You lose any semblance of organization and find yourself in a chaotic day where every hour is just a question of “what now?” What do you do to fill in your time? It always seemed so easy back when you were together. Remember that, again, this isn’t about love. This is about losing something that made you comfortable; in this case, a routine. Find new hobbies, rediscover old interests, and just enjoy yourself!
The process of getting over someone you can’t have can be a painful experience, and no one ever said it was wrong to feel pain, but you shouldn’t confuse this pain with thinking that you must really have “loved” your ex or that they were “The One”. As we have seen in this article, the reasons you feel such pain after a breakup often aren’t even related to your ex or any “love” for them at all.
Learn more about yourself and understand your feelings to help yourself move on. Remember, it isn’t always about your ex. The sooner you realize that it’s not the end of the world, the happier you’ll be.
If you want to know more about why breakups hurt, then check out this video below:
John Alex Clark – Relationship & Life Coach
For more information on relationship advice, check out John Alex Clark’s website “RelationshipPsychology.com“.