Do you know this constant suffocating feeling that sits on your chest like an elephant? Whenever you feel happy, or to be more precise, whenever you think it’s gone, it comes back stronger; making you want to rip your heart off and cry your lungs out? That feeling which makes you feel like there is something wrong and makes you doubt every single thing going on in your life?
I used to get this feeling all the time whenever I was in a romantic relationship. To be honest, I was mostly attracted to “bad boys” up until a short while ago. Therefore, I’ve always thought that this feeling came with the package. So, I subconsciously developed a defense mechanism to protect myself from getting hurt. That is; playing games to keep the chase on. Acting like my world wasn’t revolving around them, texting them late, pretending to be always busy and having fun without them whereas in fact I was just sitting at home and waiting around for them to give me attention – which is quite pathetic! In the later stages of the relationship, this would get to a point where I wouldn’t be able to focus on anything but them if I am not around them.
After some research I did, I diagnosed myself with relationship anxiety. And when I finally got into a relationship with a decent guy, I noticed that I still had this defense mechanism on. I was subconsciously ignoring his texts and trying to get him to worry about me. I was trying to hide my feelings and never talk about things that bother me or even positive feelings I had for him, because I thought this would make me look weak. I would always look for his faults and take everything personally even though I knew this guy well enough to know that he would never do anything to hurt me on purpose. I would go off at him for the littlest mistakes he made. I was practically being sneaky and dishonest, treating him as if he was my enemy, which is something that can not only ruin your relationship but also damage your self-respect in the long run. So, I decided that I wasn’t going to let this happen because this guy was a really nice, caring and loving guy and he didn’t deserve this.
So I just stopped acting like this. I started by trying to stay in the moment and not let bad thoughts and plots take control of my mind. I tried to constantly remind myself how nice of a person he is. One thing that really helped me keep that on mind was to set a photo of the two us as the wallpaper of my phone. So every time I unlocked my screen to reply his text, I saw his smiling face and how happy he looked next to me, which calmed me down and gave me good vibes before I talked to him.
To be honest, dropping the old habits has been hard for the first couple days but then you just get your inner peace back and you get comfortable with your actions. As a matter of fact, I came to realize that what I considered as weakness was in fact strength and taking responsibility of my actions. Now I never keep anything to myself. Whatever it is that bothers me, I talk to him about it. And he seems to be content with the way I treat him. Our bond is stronger than ever.
Remember, being honest about your feelings and thoughts is never weakness. On the contrary, it is strength. It is to take control of your life. And if the person you’re with cannot handle this, it means that this person is not mature enough to be in a relationship and most probably does not deserve to be with you. And definitely does not deserve your time and effort. So if you be 100% yourself and be open and honest with your partner and it still does not work out with them, it just means you two were not meant to be. And you will have no regrets because you have done your best, you’ve given them your purest feelings and there was absolutely nothing else you could’ve done.