If you could give me a thousand reasons to smile, would you still choose the one reason that trumps them all and makes me cry anyway? I do not play the victim well, but you leave me no choice. It is part of my healing that I paint you, the most wonderful person I have met, as the oppressor. You gave me the brush.
These tears are for you, so take them. Bathe yourself in them to cleanse your soul of the darkness inside. Take the salt and make it one with the earth, then split the atoms to create something undeniably powerful. And once all the drops have found their target, like pollen grains between plants, I want you to be happy. I want you to be satisfied, fulfilled and content with yourself, as one of us needs to be.
This pain is for you, so make it to into strength and keep it. They say that abusers relish in the screams of their victims. I cannot scream anymore, my vocal cords will not allow it, so I give you my pain to enjoy instead. Doubtless, it will be difficult to take upon yourself, and possibly kill you inside as it has done me, but I am sure you are more than capable of taking what you dealt out.
My heart beats for you, so feel it. It’s a good feeling; a feeling of life and I am fearful it is my last sign of life too. I want you to become one with the rhythm of the beat so that your heart may beat once again too. I know your heart has suffered and possibly stopped, so I am doing this so that you may again be filled with the love I have. The love that fills me and allows me to forgive you each day, and even more so when you beat me.
My knees buckle for you, so accept my greeting. I am not one with the submissive, but your timid dominance depletes my power every time I see you. I kneel for you to show my respect, awaiting another verbal blow to my crumbling self-esteem. Even when your words are kind, they make my muscles tense, bounce around my head and eventually find a way to bruise me inside. Your words of hate make me bleed internally and have caused oedemas of irreparable damage. I take this flooding and find another reason to breathe, for tomorrow may bring change.
And finally, I bow my head in your direction to show I have given up. Take my reluctance to fight back as something of an act of strength. Your hold over me is greater than any other and I am bound and bloodied from your love. It’s enough to make me leave, but that can never happen. Every time I have tried, you have chased me down and taken me for ransom again. Siphon my energy, love and power to make yourself stronger so I am not tempted to run again. It’ll be easier this way.
I hope that my words sink in and you may see what your actions have done to me, both inside and out. It isn’t enough though. You see what you do to me and find it a joke, laughing in my face as you hack away at my soul. You never used to be like this; you were heartfelt and wonderful. But knowing that you managed to catch me, your ego has run away from you and I am afraid of you. Of what you can do to me. And that isn’t love, not anymore.