Are You in an Obsessive Relationship?


  • I learned that over-merging with a romantic partner without a pause can decrease the erotic charge. It actually can be more erotic and intimate to go in and out of intense connection with a partner, rather than sustaining it. This gives both lovers their space and more breathing room.
  • I don’t “root” in a man, but root primarily in myself and the earth. One way I do this before and after lovemaking is to visualize my body developing roots into the soil like a tree. I’m still surrendered to and immersed in pleasure, but I also keep a fuller sense of myself intact later. I’m able to separate from him and more comfortably see us as separate beings.
  • After lovemaking or to deal with possessiveness in intimacy, I also find it useful to meditate with my partner and then say to each another, “I adore you. I honor you. I release you.” This is a healthy way to bond while not excessively attaching or fixating. It produces a beautiful equilibrium of loving.

  • The solution to not becoming overly attached or possessive is to focus on strengthening your self-esteem while addressing and releasing fears, including the fear of abandonment, which can cause the need to cling. Working with a skilled relationship therapist or coach can be productive. Also you can practice the three tantric techniques that I described above. These will help you develop autonomy and grounding. Being willing to surrender the tendency to overly attached in favor of healthily bonding will allow you to have more joyous and pleasurable relationships without the pain of obsession.

    (Excerpt from Dr. Judith Orloff’s national bestseller The Power of Surrender: Let Go and Energize Your Relationships, Success, and Well-Being)

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    1. perhaps if the partner were attentive and fulfilled intimacy bonds the relationship is more balanced, many times one is narcissistic and the lover is gaslighted . manipulated and ripped off rather than being loved, lots of men do this to women because they hate themselves and feel small, I know a woman who treats her husband shitty too, if you don’t love someone only think about yourself then don’t get into a relationship, get a dog and abuse it, you’ll be happier