Not all relationships are equal, and when you are involved with a narcissist, you not only often feel alone, but you realize afterward that it was never a real relationship, but a way for the narcissist to use the illusion of a relationship for self-gain.
The Narcissist Is Not In a Relationship With Anyone
Many survivors of narcissistic abuse may have believed they were in a bonafide relationship with a narcissist.
The first misconception is that it was a truly genuine relationship. The narcissist frankly was never in a partnership with anyone, and narcissists cannot bond or truly connect with people.ย Another misconception about being involved with a narcissist or a malignant narcissist is that you are actually sharing and connecting with them on a genuine mind, body, and spiritual level.
Past partners of narcissists may have felt that they were being utilized as a tool during the entirety of the relationship.
This often occurred during a certain point, perhaps an epiphany moment when the partner began to realize that they were being used for their resources like money, or maybe providing a place for them to live rent-free.ย At a certain point in time, survivors will come to terms that they were merely taken on various spending sprees and other adventures, merely to please the narcissist. After the wild ride is over, they discovered that they had been fleeced. Some felt they were being used for other things in addition to money, like sex. If the partner attempted to flee the situation, the narcissist most likely wound them back into their spell with promises of undying love, loyalty, and future-faking. Because most people want to keep their relationships intact and give their partner a second chance, this tied into the charming narcissistโs facade of their convincing lies that things would get better.
One would wonder how it is so easy for narcissists to obtain what it is they want. It isnโt because the partner is gullible or easily led, it is most often this insidious future-faking that narcissists are infamous for. The narcissistโs partner was deeply in love, and the narcissist was an expert at manipulating their emotions because they can be very persuasive at creating the illusion that this love is a forever kind of love, and that they will always be there for their partner. Narcissists often come across as very bold, so they are also very clever at appearing to be more strong and stable than the average person. They are, in effect, actors playing a part, hiding who they really are behind a false mask.
A relationship is based on a state of connection as well as give and take. Communication is also a strong component of the relationship. The partner of a narcissist may have noted that the narcissist was not really interested in them as a person unless it was to extract the information they could use against the partner later on, and even then, the partner was never really an individual to the narcissist. The narcissist was primarily interested in obtaining resources from them or concerned with how the partner could benefit them in some way. These benefits are various in nature, but even if it appeared they liked having sex with the partner, money and material gain is usually their primary concern.
The sex and other conveniences are often a part of a secondary type of gain and come along with the territory of the illusion of a relationship. For the narcissist, romance is more of an adrenaline rush, as they do not become attached to their partners. Many survivors of narcissistic abuse also mention the pain and suffering regarding memories of the past, while thinking they were connected sexually to them, and this creates more trauma; however, the financial losses they incurred over future-faking while traveling with the narcissist, saving a down payment for a new home, and the many evenings shared together going out, spending money, and preparing for the coming future they thought they would share with their partner, makes this, in essence, a very cruel game, and survivors often refer to it as a โcon job.โ All of these losses coupled together are extremely traumatic, and then comes the aspect of the abusive behavior.
The narcissist is constantly weighing back and forth as to where their bread is buttered. They are strategic in how they maintain or destroy, the illusion of a relationship until they acquire what they want, or else they have gotten enough of what they had wanted and moved on. They live a parasitic lifestyle. They soon become tired of pretending and decide to switch to a different โhostโ who can supply them with a new bout of narcissistic supply; however, this is not before also launching a tirade of abuse on their partner, for narcissists are also quite brutal as time passes, becoming progressively more confrontational and aggressive in order to beat down their target. This ensures that the partner is left confused and powerless by the constant abuse, and it also allows the narcissist to leave while claiming false reasons for the supposed โbreak-up.โ With a narcissist, there was no real break-up either, because the relationship was never real. Narcissists use the illusion of make-up and break-up societal cultural norms to hide their true intentions and evil.
The target of a narcissist can be anyone, a lover, marriage partner, friend, or family member; however, they usually prey on romantically interested targets, or at least they use the appearance of it being a romantic relationship meanwhile draining them of their resources, time, mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual energies, and in tandem abusing the partner, which feeds into their need to view themselves as superior. By berating and putting the target or partner down, the narcissist will then walk away with a bit more than he or she had resource-wise, while also making it appear that the partner is damaged or defective, which is important to the narcissist. Their goal is to make the partner appear to be below them. In many ways, this feels no different than sheer hatred to many of the narcissistโs past victims. Since most partners are abused behind closed doors, no one really knows the entire story or what really happened.ย After draining the partner dry and abusing them, the narcissist then leaves coldly, often without any explanation, having already found another source of supply they can use for their benefit.ย ย
If there are any words shared, the blame will often be heaped on the partner as somehow being the cause of the imaginary break-up. The behavior of the narcissist even afterward will include alternatingly jovially, but then abusing the ex-partner once again, following an endless pattern. Many narcissists will keep the ex-partner (who is still suffering from the trauma bond and often C-PTSD) on a string, and as a person to return to when they are low on attention or supply, or need someone to cover a bill for them. This is called the hoovering. Most narcissists will toy with the ex-partner, leading him or her to believe there is still hope for the relationship. It isnโt until the partner becomes educated regarding narcissistic abuse, as to what was really going on, and they may become extremely enraged when they wake up to the fact that they have indeed been used and manipulated during the entirety of what appeared to be a relationship, and the time wasted afterward with the hoovering. In many ways, the narcissist is a mastermind of manipulation, but as survivors become more educated on their behaviors and patterns, they begin to see that most narcissists appear to do the same things to all of their targets.
Survivors of narcissists clearly remember the idealize and devalue cycle, though honestly, I wouldnโt even call it idealizing. I donโt think narcissists actually truly idealize anyone, that is more of a borderline characteristic. In the case of a narcissistic person I would say itโs more of manipulative behavior, and also a reflection of their inner toxic nature โ the cycle swerving between niceness and hostility is a reflection of their own unstable personality structure. Narcissists operate on a shaky level and are often constantly changing plans, goals, and even their daily opinions. Sometimes they are not aware of why they do this; at other times, the opinions are carefully crafted to fit into the moment for whatever it is they need or want. This is the main aspect of narcissistic people that is haunting to realize, to come to terms with the fact of how empty they are inside. Constantly flitting about day to day, changing your mind about who you are, and what you want to be, and how you are going to acquire it, is a tiring, non-stop charade that even narcissistic people fool themselves into. Their constantly changing minds and behaviors lead to broken plans, broken lives, and eventual desolation, and destruction, in one form or another. It is a form of dire emptiness altogether, and no one who has a loving heart and spirit wishes to live that kind of empty, spiritually devoid lifestyle. For most people, connection with a special someone is what they seek, and is the basis of a true relationship, not destroying people.
Many partners of narcissists become very attached to the narcissist. Because they live in the moment, a narcissistโs chaotic ways are often very exciting and different. Partners lose their own identity in the whirlwind life with a narcissist, and when they are gone, the partner misses the swirling chaos that was once around them. The narcissist actually distracted the partner from what was really happening with these distractions. Many of their partners wanted to please the narcissist, and were aware of how much the narcissistic partner valued the โgood life.โ Often, the characteristics of the narcissist became enmeshed with the partner, and the partner began to expend all of their energies primarily for the wishes of the narcissist. This happened with the passage of time, and as a consequence, the partner very often tried to provide everything good for the narcissist and worked very hard for the perceived relationship, since they believe in their shared goals together; however, many survivors recount that the narcissist began losing interest in their goals, or changing their plans, and even began to stop putting effort into them.ย ย
The narcissist may have lost interest in working for future plans and stopped working at their jobs so that the partner could carry the full load and effort. Many of them never worked at all. This is the point at which the partner may have begun to question what is happening, and the narcissist would begin to more conflicts and arguments, often out of thin air. Still, many partners of narcissists reminisce about the good times, and again, could not comprehend how the narcissist was able to just leave them and not remember everything they had ever done for them. By this time, the narcissist had already found their other form of supply, whether it was another man or woman to sponge off of, a family member, or friend.
Certainly, the illusion of a relationship was there. On the outside, and to the outside world, it appeared to be a relationship. And even the good times with the narcissist only had a temporarily grandiose quality to it while the deception lasted, but the narcissist often switched on and off between a happy go lucky, incredibly pleasant and amusing person to be with and at the drop of a hat, devalued the partner at whim.ย The laughing, smiling narcissist with twinkling eyes was not who they really were; and the narcissist, though they may not know they are narcissists per se, do know their own nature. They do know what they have done, and they know they are responsible, but they will never admit to it. Despite how sweet, amiable, or heroic they may sound after the discard, despite how many reasons they try to come up with for why they did what they did (and they will be numerous, and change all the time), only they exist ultimately, and only their needs come first. No matter how many people they surround themselves with, or try to impress, the narcissist lives on his own, in his own world, and in the prison of their own mind.
Most narcissists planned the partnerโs discard behind their back, all the while lying to them and creating cognitive dissonance.ย Even if the narcissist brought the partner breakfast in bed and did little favors for them, it was because, at the time, they still knew what they were going to do, and they always knew they could get their supply somewhere else. The narcissist is an opportunist.ย The partner was just there โat the time.โ All the while, the narcissist was weighing their options while they were with their partner and put up a false front until they decided what to do, and where to go next. This is also why also they constantly picked fights and arguments with the partner. The narcissist does get enjoyment out of othersโ suffering, but there was also a purpose for the madness.ย In the end, as stated, they will also blame the victim, citing the various times that the narcissist purposefully enacted or began an argument, and it was all mostly done on purpose. The partner will be blamed for reacting to the abuse and labeled negatively by the narcissist.
The narcissist also acted out because they couldnโt see or remember the good person that the partner really was when they became angry about the partner supposedly holding them back from what they perceived they wanted (money, material gain, ego supply). They want what they want at the moment, and it is as if the narcissist has a broken brain. Many of them begin to tire of their charade, in addition to seeking โbetter supply.โ After the partner is drained, beaten down from abuse, and too tired to argue any further, the narcissist will then coldly leave as if nothing had ever happened, as if they never even knew you. Either the narcissist left, or the partner was forced to leave. There is usually no in-between or meeting halfway with a narcissist in the end, because they have to have their own way, and ultimately, discarding the partner was necessary to accompany the feelings of hatred the narcissist harbors inside, including their need for constant supply, money, and material gain, and the feeling of superiority coming from acquisition of these things, which is a part and parcel of their disorder.ย They are greedy, selfish, and destructive individuals who leave their targets blindsided, often in financial distress, and completely confused.ย ย
The time it takes to recuperate from narcissistic abuse is lengthy, and it also takes an immense amount of personal and spiritual power.ย The chaos of the trauma bond and the cognitive dissonance makes it very difficult for most ex-partners of narcissists to continue to function, and many were left financially destitute, also lose their jobs, and some, even their lives. This is why it is important that awareness is spread regarding narcissistic abuse, and is a great reason why survivors of narcissistic abuse often go to such lengths to spread this awareness, sharing their knowledge with others and trying to get the word out. Narcissism is incredibly destructive, and current victims who are struggling will need to become aware of the truth of narcissistic abuse and the fact that they were never in a real relationship. Once they are empowered with this knowledge, they can begin to resume their daily life and quell the constant ruminations that haunt their lives.ย With such knowledge comes power.
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