You were Never in a Relationship with the Narcissist

The narcissist is constantly weighing back and forth as to where their bread is buttered. They are strategic in how they maintain or destroy, the illusion of a relationship until they acquire what they want, or else they have gotten enough of what they had wanted and moved on. They live a parasitic lifestyle. They soon become tired of pretending and decide to switch to a different “host” who can supply them with a new bout of narcissistic supply; however, this is not before also launching a tirade of abuse on their partner, for narcissists are also quite brutal as time passes, becoming progressively more confrontational and aggressive in order to beat down their target. This ensures that the partner is left confused and powerless by the constant abuse, and it also allows the narcissist to leave while claiming false reasons for the supposed “break-up.” With a narcissist, there was no real break-up either, because the relationship was never real. Narcissists use the illusion of make-up and break-up societal cultural norms to hide their true intentions and evil.

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The target of a narcissist can be anyone, a lover, marriage partner, friend, or family member; however, they usually prey on romantically interested targets, or at least they use the appearance of it being a romantic relationship meanwhile draining them of their resources, time, mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual energies, and in tandem abusing the partner, which feeds into their need to view themselves as superior. By berating and putting the target or partner down, the narcissist will then walk away with a bit more than he or she had resource-wise, while also making it appear that the partner is damaged or defective, which is important to the narcissist. Their goal is to make the partner appear to be below them. In many ways, this feels no different than sheer hatred to many of the narcissist’s past victims. Since most partners are abused behind closed doors, no one really knows the entire story or what really happened.  After draining the partner dry and abusing them, the narcissist then leaves coldly, often without any explanation, having already found another source of supply they can use for their benefit.  

If there are any words shared, the blame will often be heaped on the partner as somehow being the cause of the imaginary break-up. The behavior of the narcissist even afterward will include alternatingly jovially, but then abusing the ex-partner once again, following an endless pattern. Many narcissists will keep the ex-partner (who is still suffering from the trauma bond and often C-PTSD) on a string, and as a person to return to when they are low on attention or supply, or need someone to cover a bill for them. This is called the hoovering. Most narcissists will toy with the ex-partner, leading him or her to believe there is still hope for the relationship. It isn’t until the partner becomes educated regarding narcissistic abuse, as to what was really going on, and they may become extremely enraged when they wake up to the fact that they have indeed been used and manipulated during the entirety of what appeared to be a relationship, and the time wasted afterward with the hoovering. In many ways, the narcissist is a mastermind of manipulation, but as survivors become more educated on their behaviors and patterns, they begin to see that most narcissists appear to do the same things to all of their targets.

Survivors of narcissists clearly remember the idealize and devalue cycle, though honestly, I wouldn’t even call it idealizing. I don’t think narcissists actually truly idealize anyone, that is more of a borderline characteristic. In the case of a narcissistic person I would say it’s more of manipulative behavior, and also a reflection of their inner toxic nature — the cycle swerving between niceness and hostility is a reflection of their own unstable personality structure. Narcissists operate on a shaky level and are often constantly changing plans, goals, and even their daily opinions. Sometimes they are not aware of why they do this; at other times, the opinions are carefully crafted to fit into the moment for whatever it is they need or want. This is the main aspect of narcissistic people that is haunting to realize, to come to terms with the fact of how empty they are inside. Constantly flitting about day to day, changing your mind about who you are, and what you want to be, and how you are going to acquire it, is a tiring, non-stop charade that even narcissistic people fool themselves into. Their constantly changing minds and behaviors lead to broken plans, broken lives, and eventual desolation, and destruction, in one form or another. It is a form of dire emptiness altogether, and no one who has a loving heart and spirit wishes to live that kind of empty, spiritually devoid lifestyle. For most people, connection with a special someone is what they seek, and is the basis of a true relationship, not destroying people.

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Wendy Koenigsmann
Wendy studied psychology and is a graduate student who writes avidly about narcissistic abuse; she has a deep interest in spreading awareness of abuse while helping victims and consequent survivors overcome trauma.
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