Both men and women who place their self-worth in the hands of their relationships are highly sensitive to rejection 5. At times, I went batshit crazy on her ass because I was so scared of being rejected. In fact, I was anxiously expecting rejection on a regular basis. I wanted a guarantee that she wasn’t going to leave me devastated with my low self-worth, and I’d do anything to make that happen.
This fear and insecurity lead to jealousy and anxiety. We want to control her. Our preoccupation with the relationship drains the emotional connection we had when we started it because we place a TON of pressure to keep the relationship working well, and this ironically leads us to diminish our ability to empathize with the person we are dating.
We tell her she can’t go out with her friends to the clubs or grab a drink with a guy friend. We start snooping and monitoring her, trying to make sure she isn’t doing what we fear she is doing.
We display excessive reassurance-seeking behavior, which can be a source of strain on the relationship. Some guys even control what their girlfriend eats to make sure the girl they date fits his ideal type. 6
Some guys get married right away, because they are so desperate to tie down what they just got.
The problem is that this behavior ends up causing the girl to leave you, or cheat on you. Or you’re going to cut her down so much that she will be a shadow of what she was.
If the latter happens, you no longer have a girlfriend, you have a zombie. You’ve killed her personality with your insecurity, your low self-esteem, your anxiety, and your fears.
The reason you cause all of this drama and all of this pain is that you placed your key to your happiness in her pocket. Not yours. There is not a single person that can be there 100% for you.
You may have already uncovered that immediately after the relationship I talk about above, I got really, really sick.
I was forced, for two years, to deal with my health, my beliefs, and my self-worth issues. Research has shown that the anxiety and stress associated with dependency and self-worth can lead to long-term physical and mental health problems. 7
This is a byproduct of the anxiety and stress activating the pituitary-adrenal-cortical system, which leads to numerous health issues. It also leads to unhealthy attempts at coping.
During the “friends with benefits” stage at the end of the relationship, as well as my time being single, I found myself struggling to sleep. So I would hop on the Internet and try to find girls to sleep with. I would text any girl who I thought would come over, and when I didn’t succeed, I was only able to sleep after having a few drinks.
Research shows that people who are more concerned with how others evaluate and perceive them tend to do all sorts of unhealthy things. And in spite of doing them, the person is still lead to depression.
I highly doubt you’ll get as sick as I was, but I share these horrible experiences so you don’t have to deal with the pain I suffered, the money I spent, or the thoughts of suicide I had.
The anxiety and fear of not being enough are toxic to our relationships. Most importantly, they are toxic to us. I can’t tell you how many doctors said my problem stemmed from toxicity in my body and severe emotional patterns. I wholeheartedly believe that my low self-esteem and perception of myself lead to my downfall.