Why Needing A Relationship Is Toxic To A Relationship


How This Affects Us and Our Relationships

Our thoughts affect our emotions. Our unconscious makes irrational and snap judgments about what is going on, which triggers our emotions. Our conscious mind attempts to put a story as to why we feel the way we do, which can be wrong at times.  The reason we feel anxious, unworthy, and unhappy is because of our thoughts.

It’s how we think and feel about ourselves, which comes from our comparison of our real self to our ideal self, and choosing that we are lacking our ideal characteristics or possessions.

The problem when we feel unhappy, unworthy and anxious, is that we don’t talk to women. We don’t take the opportunity to ask them out. It’s not the result that affects our emotions; it’s our thought process.

To actually improve our lives, we must tap into our subconscious and transform our beliefs about who we are. We must change the stories we tell ourselves, to ourselves, about ourselves.

If we don’t and we end up in a relationship, we end up sabotaging it.

Let me explain:

When I got into a relationship with my ex, I got the thought I’m loveable! Yay for me.

But I still have the original beliefs about myself.

Despite having the girl, I still have the old memories of not feeling cool enough in my youth. I still remember sitting alone at a lunch table. All of these thoughts still pop up in my head, and what ends up happening isn’t pretty.

Remember, my self-worth is at a ten right now because of this girl. So the thought of not being enough makes me scared of losing my Level Ten self-worth. If I lose her, I will be pathetic. Since I am extremely motivated to protect and enhance my self-esteem, I became obsessed and preoccupied with making the relationship work. 4

I used sex as a driver to create approval rather than more intimacy between us. Thus lowering sexual autonomy and my own satisfaction.

I avoided negative situations and increased positive ones by catering to my girlfriend’s wants and needs at the expense of my own. I lost more of my autonomy in the process.

I put tons of stress on myself to please her, and felt anxiety anytime I wasn’t able to drop everything and be there for her.

The problem with this self-perception is I viewed losing the relationship as a threat to myself. I acted out of fear rather than confidence and self-expression.

The problem with these insecurities caused by our low-self esteem and attachment style is we are less able to seek the support and care we need in an effective way. I would see her texting guy friends and interpret that as a signal that she was going to leave me. That idea caused me to be manipulative and needy to gain the reassurance I wanted.