So when you get angry and this panic comes up for you, that is when the narcissist is going to pull away from you even more. Now, here is the danger because the more that you are feeling the trauma, the more that this person is going to traumatize you so you can hand over your power and your rights. You could end up saying, “I am sorry, I should not have acted like this” to try to get the narcissist to reconnect with you.
It is really about all these feelings of abandonment and not feeling good enough, feeling invisible, and feeling like this person does not love you. That is what all of this pain is really about.
How to Get Completely Impervious to the Stonewalling Tactic
So let us have a look at how to get completely impervious to the stonewalling tactic and create your healthy life where people will validate you, meet you kindly and treat you with respect.
How do we do that?
Well, first of all, you have to be able to stop the trigger from going off. You have to be able to turn inward and heal. One of the advantages of a stonewalling narcissist that will use the silent treatment or leave the experience is that you are going to get time and space to be able to do No or Modified Contact.
You need to get very, very clear and I talked about it recently in Healthy Love vs Narcissistic Love, that when somebody will not be present with you and care about your feelings when you have concerns about the relationship, this person is not somebody that you can have a healthy relationship with. So that is exactly what a stonewaller is.
When somebody has that lack of character to create union and mutuality and partnership and kindness, then the only thing that you can do is take your power back, heal, and do Modified or No Contact. It’s imperative. That is exactly what you have to do.
So you are going to be able to turn inwards. You have to turn inwards and heal your triggers, which is always the unfinished, unhealed business from your past. These are the feelings of, “I’m invisible. I don’t matter. The people I love don’t love me back. They aren’t present. They don’t show up. They don’t care about me.”
Because when we go Quantum, we have realized that trying to change somebody else who was triggering your painful programs into the activation of your panic or trying to force that person to do something, all of that is the Wrong Town. It’s handing your power away.
This person is not going to heal your feelings for you. They are going to bring you more of the evidence of your unhealed feelings.
This is about taking back your sanity, your life, and your soul. Which is about going inwards to say to yourself, “What is this really about?” And getting on a path of healing up those young unhealed parts so that you can be an empowered adult in your body, self-partnered, loving and holding, and self-soothing YOU.
Being able to look out to the outer and say, “This is not good enough for me. This is not okay.” Because then you will be able to set the ultimate empowered boundary which is, “I will only do relationships with people who are present and committed and kind and care.”
If you were actually even to express to that person and not get caught up in the word salad, the twisting and turning facts, having to lecture and prescribed and get them to get your boundary. A true boundary is never about trying to get somebody to get your boundary. It is about you getting it.