Are Narcissists Bad People? Do They Choose To Hurt Others Or Are They Helpless?

 / 

,
are narcissists bad people

Do narcissists realize that they are hurting us? Do they know that they are expert liars and manipulators? Do they have a good heart deep down? Can they change if they really wanted to? The answer to these questions is not easy to answer. The first thing you need to realize is all of us are unique and behave in very complicated ways. By Dr. Elinor Greenberg

Are Narcissists Bad People?

Do narcissists choose to hurt others or are they unable to control themselves? Most people who have been on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse have wondered just how much blame they should place on the narcissist. I am frequently asked:

Are people with narcissistic personality disorders simply bad people who choose to hurt others but could control themselves if they tried? Or are they good people who are doing the best that they can but cannot control themselves?

Unfortunately, there is no simple answer to this question. People are complex. I do not think we can simply label people with narcissistic adaptations as either good or bad. Nor can we always draw a clear line between what we can control and what is controlling us.

Even people without personality disorders are continually struggling to put their ego and personal desires aside and do what they know to be the right thing. Human nature has not changed in thousands of years.

Our struggle is aptly described by the Apostle Paul in Romans 7:19—For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.

So how does this apply to people with narcissistic personality disorders?

When I think of the variety of people who qualify for a diagnosis of NPD, I see quite a range of people—from those that want to be good people to those who do not care whom they hurt. Most narcissistic people fall somewhere in between, like the rest of us.

Related: Yes, Narcissists Can Change: Here’s How

Note: I am using the terms “narcissist” or “narcissistic” as a shorthand way of referring to people who exhibit a pattern of thinking and behavior that is commonly diagnosed as a narcissistic personality disorder. I personally prefer the term “narcissistic adaptation,” because it emphasizes that this pattern was initially a creative adjustment intended to maximize the amount of love, attention, and support the child would receive from his or her caregivers.

So why do people with narcissistic adaptations tend to do more harm in intimate relationships than most non-narcissists?

The “Good Narcissist”

Some people with NPD are trying their best to be good people but are handicapped by their narcissistic adaptation. Their extreme self-centeredness, lack of emotional empathy, and lack of “whole object relations” and “object constancy” distort their view of interpersonal situations.

A Few Brief Definitions Of The Above Terms Are Likely To Be Helpful To The Reader:

1. Whole object relations:

This is the ability to see yourself and other people in a realistic, stable, and integrated way that recognizes that everyone has both good and bad qualities and liked and disliked traits.

Without whole object relations, narcissists cannot form a stable integrated picture of anyone. They tend to place everyone into two basic boxes: Either they are special, perfect, unique, and entitled to special treatment (high status) or they are worthless, pathetic, garbage, and entitled to only what the “special people” choose to give them (low status).

2. Object constancy:

This is the capacity to maintain your positive emotional connection to someone when you feel hurt, angry, frustrated, or disappointed with them. It is also the ability to maintain this sense of connection with someone who is not physically present.

Without object constancy, narcissists can literally be saying “I love you” one moment, then 10 minutes later switch to “I hate you” because they did not like something you just said or did.

3. Emotional empathy:

This is the ability to feel another person’s joy or pain. Narcissists lack emotional empathy, so they have less feedback about the other person’s reactions and less reason to care. They do have “intellectual empathy,” the ability to think about what the other person is likely to be feeling. However, in the middle of a fight, they are highly unlikely to do this because of their lack of object constancy.

Most Of The Hurt That Narcissists Cause Is The Result Of Two Basic Sets Of Issues:

1. The need to retaliate to protect their self-esteem

Blame and retaliation:

During any sort of disagreement, or even a fairly neutral situation, as soon as narcissists start to feel bad, they are likely to see whomever they are with as responsible for their discomfort. They quickly move from blaming the other person to angrily retaliating.

Related: How You Can Protect Yourself From Self-Proclaimed And Fake Narcissism Experts

Justification:

They feel justified because, without whole object relations or object constancy, they now see the other person as the all-bad enemy. In addition, they have temporarily lost touch with any positive past history between them and the other person.

Fragile self-esteem:

Their fragile self-esteem makes it extremely painful for them to become aware of their part in causing a fight. They do not even try to see how they might be at fault because that would pierce their narcissistic defenses and result in them feeling imperfect and deeply shamed.

Difficulty apologizing:

After they calm down, they may realize that they over-reacted and regret it. Unfortunately, their underlying shaky self-esteem makes it very unlikely they will admit they were wrong and apologize. Instead, they are likely to make a reparative gesture, such as giving the person a present.

However, if the other person wants to talk about what happened, they are likely to become very defensive and feel attacked. Then the cycle of blame and retaliation and reparation may start all over again.

2. Self-centeredness and lack of emotional empathy

Narcissists often unintentionally do things that hurt other people because they are so self-centered and lack emotional empathy. For example, they may make fun of you in front of other people and just think they are being funny. Or you may tell them that you have a stomach virus and instead of sympathizing, they tell you that they had one much worse than yours.

Related: How You Can Protect Yourself From Self-Proclaimed And Fake Narcissism Experts

How Do We Judge Them?

Do we give them a free pass to hurt other people because they have a narcissistic personality disorder? I would not. At the very least, most well-intentioned people with NPD:

• Know that they are selfish.

• Know that other people are getting hurt by them.

• Know psychotherapy exists and most are choosing not to go for help to change.

• I have been told that what they are doing is hurtful and continue doing it anyway.

But: This subset of narcissists is not setting out to hurt other people on purpose.

The “Bad Narcissists”

These people are focused on getting whatever they want and are not trying to be “good people.” They really do not care who gets hurt by their actions. Some even enjoy causing other people pain and will go out of their way to make other people feel sad, inadequate, and inferior.

Different theorists call this type of narcissist by different names: “malignant,” “toxic,” or “devaluing.”

It is easy to judge them as bad because they do not express any regrets or make reparative gestures. They are hurting people intentionally to make themselves feel superior.

Bottom Line

People with narcissistic adaptations differ from one another in how much they want to be good people. The ones who want to be good try harder to follow a moral code. However, even when they are trying their hardest, their basic narcissistic issues—self-centeredness, unstable self-esteem, lack of emotional empathy, and lack of whole object relations and object constancy—will cause them to hurt those closest to them.


Written By Elinor Greenberg, Ph.D.
Originally Appeared In Psychology Today
Are Narcissists bad
are narcissists bad people pinex
are narcissists bad people pin

— Share —

— About the Author —



Up Next

The “False Self” Of A Narcissist: Look Beyond The Facade!

Hidden Narcissist False Self: Make Believe Traits in Them

The narcissist false self is charming and confident, masking underlying insecurities and emptiness beneath. Let’s find out other secrets they hide!

Narcissists have a false self. They’re master illusionists. They behave like a little king or queen — whether bragging or sulking. Their whole personality is a charade crafted to deceive you into believing they are confident, superior, self-sufficient, likable, and caring.

In studies, groups of people met with and liked a narcissist, but after 6 more interviews, they discerned the narcissist’s true nature and changed thei



Up Next

How To Deal With Your Partner’s Obsessive Ex? 4 Tips For Successfully Handling One

Deal With Your Partner's Obsessive Ex: Tips And Tricks

Have you ever had to deal with an obsessive ex? Moreover, have you ever had to deal with your partner’s obsessive and toxic ex? If you have, you already know how disturbing it is to go through this. This article is going to talk about some of the best ways to deal with a toxic ex or deal with your partner’s toxic ex.

My friend is happily married to a man who has a child. He is a devoted and loving father who sought full custody of the children; the court denied his petition.

His two children are living with their narcissistic mother who actively alienates the children from their father. His ex was obsessed with him during their short and turbulent relationship. She was deceitful, abusive, controlling, and highly destructive. They hooked up while drunk.



Up Next

Dog Whistling Narcissist: 8 Ways Narcissists Use This Covert Manipulation Tactic

Dog Whistling Narcissist: Covert Ways They Manipulate You

Have you ever had the feeling that when you are talking to someone, there’s a hidden message they’re trying to get across to you? A message that feels insulting, condescending and hurtful? If you answered yes, then you are dealing with a dog whistling narcissist, my friend.

These people are experts at sending subtle messages that are extremely hurtful and humiliating, but only you understand it, not anyone else. When a narcissist uses dog whistling, their main motive is to manipulate you and keep you under their control. They’ll use it to dominate you, and put you down, while pretending to be harmless.

But what is dog whistling, and how narcissists use dog whistling? Let’s find out, shall we?



Up Next

What Is A Superiority Complex And How To Deal With Someone Who Thinks They Are Better Than You

What Is A Superiority Complex And How To Deal With It

Have you ever met someone who believes they are inherently better than others? Do they constantly exude an air of superiority, belittle others, or dismiss others’ accomplishments? This is a superiority complex in action. What is a superiority complex?

People who exhibit traits of condescension and arrogance are believed to have a superiority complex, a psychological phenomenon that drives such behavior. Let’s explore the superiority complex in psychology, its signs, causes, and most importantly, how to deal with someone with a superiority complex.

What is a Superiority Complex?

A superiority co



Up Next

What Is A Devouring Mother? Overcoming A Narcissistic Mother’s Toxic Grip

What Is A Devouring Mother? Ways To Overcome Toxicity

Do you feel overwhelmed, smothered, or suffocated by all the love and attention your mother gives you? Perhaps you know people who feel trapped in situations where their mother’s love becomes an all-encompassing affair? This phenomenon is referred to as “The Devouring Mother Archetype.” Let’s explore what is a devouring mother and how to deal with the devouring mother archetype.

What is a Devouring Mother?

The Freudian devouring mother describes a controlling, overbearing motherly figure hampering a child’s development and independence. It is marked by possessiveness and narcissism.

As the term is not a literal description, a devouring Mother does not mean a mother who consumes her children ph



Up Next

Is It Love Or A Trap? 10 Ominous And Warning Signs Of Love Bombing

Ominous And Warning Signs Of Love Bombing: Love Or Trap?

Have you ever experienced the turbulent side of love, that comes from falling head over heels for someone? The butterflies in your stomach, the passion you feel, and the feeling of being swept off your feet – feels amazing, doesn’t it? But what if I told you that behind this seemingly perfect façade lies something dark and sinister? What if I told you these are warning signs of love bombing?

Welcome to the dark world of love bombing; a psychological tactic used by manipulative people to gain control over your mind and heart. In this article, we will talk about what does love bombing mean, and the signs you are being love bombed.

Let’s get started first with what does love bombing mean, shal



Up Next

The Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing: 7 Subtle Signs Of An Altruistic Narcissist

Signs Of An Altruistic Narcissist: Beneath the Kindness

Have you ever met someone who seems super helpful and sweet, but it just doesn’t seem genuine? Well, you might be looking at an altruistic narcissist, and this is one of the many signs of an altruistic narcissist.

You might be confused because when we think of narcissists, we usually think of them as selfish and uncaring. But there is another type of narcissist who does good deeds for a different reason – they want attention and praise and adulation.

So, without any further delay, let’s get down to knowing more about the altruistic narcissist and their signs. Let’s start with understanding what is an alt