Dan refuses to admit that he is seeing another woman and keeps telling Betty that she is paranoid. He continues denying everything even when Betty tells him that two of her friends saw him out to dinner with a sexy blond in a short red dress. This is a classic example of narcissistic gaslighting.
Click here to know The 4 Levels of Gaslighting And How It Can Affect You
2. Flying Monkeys
Source: This term comes from the children’s book The Wizard of Oz by Frank Baum and the very popular 1939 movie based on it. The movie starred Judy Garland as Dorothy, the young heroine of the story. Dorothy and her little dog Toto are swept up by a tornado in Kansas and end up in the magical land of Oz. Dorothy’s house lands on the Wicked Witch of the East killing her. Her sister, the Wicked Witch of the West, blames Dorothy for her sister’s death and seeks revenge. The Wicked Witch has a very scary troop of flying monkeys who do her bidding. She sends them after Dorothy.
Flying monkeys are the slang term for any group of people that the narcissist enlists as allies to persecute someone that the narcissist hates. To gain their support, the narcissist makes up lies that portray the other person as evil and the narcissist as the real victim.
Example: Jon and the Lies.
Jon’s wife Lisa has the exhibitionist form of narcissistic personality disorder. She is a very dramatic person and loves to be the center of attention. When she is angry with Jon, she makes up stories about how he secretly abuses her. She then calls all their friends to complain about the alleged abuse. Lisa cries on the phone and is very convincing. Many of the people she speaks with believing her. The reason: “Who really knows what goes on behind closed doors in a marriage?”
Jon has no idea what Lisa is saying about him behind his back until he runs into some of their mutual friends and they are barely civil to him. The rumors get worse, stoked by exaggerated stories about Jon’s supposed nasty temper. Lisa’s group of flying monkeys now feel entitled to insult Jon whenever they see him. Jon tries to defend himself, but Lisa’s flying monkeys discount everything he says. He finds himself increasingly isolated as the rumors spread and he is portrayed as an abusive husband.
3. Going “Gray Rock”
Source: The term gray rock appears to have been first used by a blogger Skyler in her article “The Gray Rock Method of Dealing with Psychopaths.” Unfortunately, Skyler misuses the term psychopath to describe anyone that she sees as dramatic, unpleasant, attention-seeking, and malevolent. She includes narcissists in this group.
If you are involved with a narcissist whom you cannot avoid, many people advise going gray rock. This means that your manner during your interactions with the narcissist is as boring, unemotional, and neutral as you can manage. Essentially, you become as uninteresting as a gray rock.
Example: Anna and her Abusive Ex Richard.
Anna divorced her narcissistic husband Richard after he started to verbally and physically abuse her. If it were just her, she might not have left, because she idealized Richard and they had a passionate and very satisfying sex life. But after their son Jake was born, Anna watched him with the baby and became afraid that one day Richard would lose his temper and hurt Jake. Richard was awarded some visitation rights as part of the divorce agreement.
Every time Richard came to pick up Jake, he tried to start a fight with Anna. He hated the idea that he could no longer control her. Getting her upset and making her cry felt like good revenge, and he knew exactly what to say to provoke her.