Did you talk about these things when you were first dating? You may have talked about your past and your future. Some topics of conversation may have been your hopes and dreams of the future. You may have discussed your bucket list desires. Where do you dream of traveling one day soon or in the future?
Buy a box of table topics or other conversations starters and take a few with you the next time you go out to dinner. Leave your phones at home or in the car and give each other your undivided attention. Maybe be incognito and give yourselves alter egos and a new identity for the night to spice things up.
Sex. You can’t remember the last time you had sex. Maybe you’ve noticed that you used to have sex once a day and now you are lucky if its once a month. It’s a little bit of a conundrum because you need to be in the mood to desire sex and what makes you in the mood is usually feeling desired or appreciated.
But if your love bank account isn’t full then you may feel depleted which makes you less interested in making your partner feel desired and appreciated which brings us back to the original point.
How do you get out of this vicious cycle? You need to connect with your partner and do things that fill their love account to get them in the mood and they need to do things to fill your love account, so you are in the mood.
Then each of you takes turns planning something romantic that either starts or ends in the bedroom to spark the flames of love. I love having dessert first and what I mean by dessert is SEX. Start your night off with sex before dinner or any activity when you are too tired or too full to feel sexy.
Sweep your irritations and disappointments under the rug. Your partner forgets your anniversary or maybe they don’t notice or appreciate that you spent several hours cleaning up the house because they love a neat and tidy house. When you want to stay up late with friends or go out dancing, they are too tired but have no problem staying out late kicking up their hills with work colleagues or friends.
You hold it all inside for weeks or months but then one day you just burst and dump all your resentment and anger for all the things they did or didn’t do that depleted your love account and you end up in a huge fight with zero positive results.
Instead, when something bothers you, really look at how it made you feel. Then when you’re not triggered or upset, ask to speak with your partner and share why/how you feel and what could make you feel better or different in the situation. I also recommend having a monthly check-in conversation.
Neither of you expresses your deepest desires to your partner yet you secretly hope they will somehow just know what’s important to you. You secretly want them to help cook dinner more often or plan a surprise date for the two of you. Maybe you wish they would call you or text you sweet nothings during the middle of the day or bring home flowers just because.
Whatever it is I’m pretty sure that your partner desires to see you happy but probably isn’t a mind reader. If you don’t share with them what you need how can they know? Maybe you’re afraid they won’t act on your requests or maybe you’re afraid that you will seem needy or that you want too much and should be grateful for what you have.
We live in a world of infinite possibilities, and you desire to have the life of your dreams with the person of your dreams and have all your hopes and desires fulfilled right here right now. So, get going and ask for what you want. If you don’t ask, you don’t get it!
Written By Dana Lam Originally Appeared On Surprise Date Challenge