Their rationalizing goes, “My wife and kids need food and a roof over their head more than they need a happy, present, engaged father. So fuck it. This is my duty in life, and I will fulfill on it.”
And where does this lead them? Lying in bed at night, 10 years into a career they hate, and silently calculating whether or not the insurance would pay out well enough to protect their family if they killed themselves.
Sound dramatic? I have heard these exact words out of the mouths of dozens of my male clients.
Again, this is not an exception. This is a natural byproduct of living in a society that tells you as a man… “Be tough, make money, provide for your family, and how dare you think about doing something with your life that would bring you fulfillment, you selfish fuck. Get back to work.”
3. Practice saying no to sex / You aren’t allowed to say no to sex
In young women’s sexual education, an emphasis is placed on the sense of permission that they have to say ‘No’ to a man’s sexual advances.
Both because you don’t want to be too easy/a slut, and also because men ‘only want one thing’ and they’re horny all the time, so watch out! Because a whole bunch of unwanted dick is coming your way, and you need to be armed with your ‘No’ shield at all times.
What this doesn’t take into account is that women don’t receive comparable conditioning around being practiced at saying yes to sex, and their own pleasure, when they do want it.
This leads many women (and understandably so) to either 1) see sex as a tool to use that they should dole out sparingly to their partners so as to not spoil them… or 2) over-functioning and giving in to having sex with their partner even when they don’t want to, because ‘if men want sex all the time, then I shouldn’t deny him because I might lose his love and then he’ll want to get it somewhere else’.
What an absolute mind fuck of a no-win situation.
In monitoring their sexual energy like a hot commodity that someone else is constantly trying to take from them, how could we possibly expect women to have a sense of safety and security in their relationship to their bodies and their pleasure?
And for men…
Men also receive the messages of ‘men only want one thing’, and millions of messages, from media and peers, that a real man is virile, sex-crazed, and always ready to go at the drop of a hat.
This leads many men to a performance-based relationship to their sexuality, and an overarching sense of ‘If she wants to, I have to find a way to force my body rise to the occasion.’