Low Sexual Desire In Couples: 3 Ways To Deal With The Dilemma Of Intimacy

Low Sexual Desire In Couples: 3 Ways To Deal With The Dilemma Of Intimacy

Let’s Explore An Alternative Reality

As Lacey turns down Chris for sex, Chris accepts it. Just like that. He doesn’t hold a grudge or make up a theory that she is cheating on him. He doesn’t view sex as a right or an expectation he deserves when he wants it. Sex, for both partners, is a choice made every single day. It is not a mandatory obligation.

For example:

Lacey: “Not tonight. I feel sick from dinner.”
Chris. “I’m sorry, babe. I hate that feeling. It makes me not want to do anything either. I love you.”

Chris’s caring response is a far cry from the traditional “you always feel sick” complaint.

This caring response is far more effective. Receiving a positive response from Chris for turning down sex does not cause Lacey to say “no” more often in the future. His actions reinforce that he loves Lacey despite not getting what he wants.

His words remind her at her core that their sex life is about making love, not increasing the frequency just so Chris can release his sexual tension. To her, saying “no” lead to Chris making her feel loved.

“Sex is emotion in motion.” — Mae West

Sex becomes more frequent in a relationship of loving responses. It cultivates trust and togetherness, leading to more erotic and passionate lovemaking.

Whether we realize it or not, we constantly rate our relationships. We value our partner’s responses in every single exchange we have. We are constantly reinforcing or amending the “story of us.”

According to John Gottman’s research, it has to be okay, even rewarding, for either partner to refuse sex.

Paradoxically, this leads to more sex. Many people find this confusing. I know I did. But relationships are complicated. That’s what makes them beautiful. They require understanding and working together.

For couples who are coping with a decline in a desire, how could your relationship change if you allowed each other to be as you are?

If you make it more than okay for either of you to say, “not tonight,” there will be many more nights when both of you will say “YES.” Female Viagra isn’t needed to fix low desire; just the pill of understanding and empathy.

Three Steps To Help The Rejected Not Feel Rejected

1. Don’t take the “no” personally.

Realize that a lack of a sexual desire for you isn’t all about you. Stresses from work, health issues, and general exhaustion drain us from having the energy to get it on. For most couples, I recommend using an arousal scale. It allows partners to realize that desire can be different among partners at the same time but doesn’t mean that the relationship is any less passionate. It just means you’re not getting it on tonight.

Read Can Depression Affect Sexual Desire? Here’s What You Can Do

2. The Curiosity of Rejection.

If you become angry, frustrated, or resent your partner, become curious as to why. Why is being told no to sex once such a big deal to you? Sex and love are full of private meanings. In my early twenties, sexual rejection meant I was inadequate and unworthy of love. Sex was validation for my self-worth, not a mutual act of appreciation and love.

Low Sexual Desire In Couples: 3 Ways To Deal With The Dilemma Of Intimacy
Low Sexual Desire In Couples: 3 Ways To Deal With The Dilemma Of Intimacy

Read 8 Reasons Why Men Should Deal With Romantic Rejection Better
Read Online Dating Rejection: 4 Possible Explanations For This

3. The Mirror of Reflection.

If this rejection bothers you, ask yourself how this reflects on you. On your relationship. Recall the happy moments in your relationship to help cope with the feeling of rejection. Realize that your partner doesn’t want to hurt you and is merely telling you how they feel. Their behavior has little to do with you and more to do with them; just as your behavior and feelings have more to do with you than your partner. Reflect, ponder, and get to know yourself better.

Sex requires communication, understanding, and appreciation, even when things are not the way we want. Love is about loving your partner unconditionally, with or without your genitals touching.

Low sexual desire in couples is a problem, but not an unsolvable one at that. Sex should be treated as a fulfilling and beautiful experience by both your partner and you; it should never be treated as an obligation. Have sex because both of you want to, not because you should. This will not only make you love and appreciate each other more, but it will also prevent you from harboring any resentment towards each other.

Read Why I Haven’t Looked At Myself In A Mirror For Months

If you want to know more about low sexual desire in couples and how to change that, you can check out this video below:

Dedicated to your happy sex life,
Kyle Benson


Written by Kyle Benson
Originally appeared in Kyle Benson

Low Sexual Desire In Couples: 3 Ways To Deal With The Dilemma Of Intimacy
Low Sexual Desire In Couples: 3 Ways To Deal With The Dilemma Of Intimacy
Pages: 1 2
nv-author-image

Kyle Benson

I've had the privilege of working with men and women on a wide range of relationship issues. I've helped individuals:Leave toxic relationships to find a healthy relationship that makes them feel calm, grateful for the person in their life, and deeply valued by their partner Close the emotional distance between partners so they feel deeply connected to each otherResolve relationship conflict, leading the couple to become closer and more loving than they ever thought imaginable Remove sexual anxiety to create intensely passionate and longer-lasting sexUse problems in the relationship as catalysts to help individuals grow into their highest potential (and become more awesome lovers)Our coaching sessions are tailored towards reaching solutions that improve your relationship quickly. Read more about my coaching programmes here, Relationship Coaching or Email me at Kyle@kylebenson.netView Author posts