Do You Stay Or Go? Loving The Emotionally Detached Man

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Relationship Rules
Do You Stay Or Go? Loving The Emotionally Detached Man

You seriously wonder if he even loves you.

You are always the one to initiate reconciliation. He never apologizes for his inconsiderate, hurtful behavior, even when he is clearly at fault. He’s full of excuses and he deflects and blames you for his unkind and dastardly actions. Time after time, you swallow your hurt feelings and you forgive him for the sake of the relationship. When you can no longer stand his withdrawn, rejecting and punishing behavior, you threaten to leave him and he doesn’t even put up a fight.

You keep trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole.

You keep trying to fix your emotionally detached man. The problem is: he doesn’t see the need to change because he has convinced himself that YOU are the problem.

You drag your partner to couples counseling and he halfway tries to be more loving, more communicative and he tries to please you with his acts of service—but like every time before, he regresses to his deep-rooted withdrawn and neglectful behavior. posted the article, “Emotional Detachment In Relationships,” It explains how a man, who struggles with emotional detachment, will most likely “shut down” when faced with conflict in a relationship and that your conflict is reminiscent of the original threatening, hostile conflict in his childhood that prompts his psychological solution of emotional detachment. 

In a nutshell, he is emotionally crippled. He’s uncomfortable with intimacy and he avoids it at all costs. He can’t deal with relationship conflict and his learned response is to shut down so he can stop feeling anything. He doesn’t take responsibility for his hurtful behavior because he would have to face the reality of his actions. 

Nevertheless, your heart aches to have an intimate relationship with him—but you are slowly dying inside. You stop caring about his happiness. You avoid interaction with him and you quit wanting to have sex with him. Your heart hardens towards him and you begin to have thoughts of leaving him or having an affair.

In the meantime, are you part of the problem?

  • Do you expect too much of him?
  • Do you constantly nag and criticize him? 
  • Do you hold him responsible for your happiness?
  • Do you look to him for the love you never got from your father?
  • Are you with him predominantly for monetary perks and security?

Do you need to stop trying to change him—and instead change yourself?

In the end, you may need to consider:

If he won’t or can’t change—can you accept his withdrawn and uncommunicative nature?

If you can’t accept him, does it make sense to remove yourself from a relationship that makes you miserable?

Written By Nancy Nichols

Originally Appeared On

Printed with Permission

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