Loving someone you can’t have can take a huge emotional toll on you and your mental health. But why do we fall in love with people we can’t have?
Have you fallen love with someone who you canโt have?
Scratching your head wondering, โwhy do I always fall in love with someone I canโt have?โ then wonder how to manifest the love you really want? From that specific person?
The law of attraction teachings make it sound so easy to manifest true love with a specific person.
The truth is like most things thereโs more to it.
Maybe unrequited love is a frustrating, sickening pattern in your life.
You see someone and just get sucked in. Before you know it, youโre counting the seconds before you see them again. Hoping to catch a glimpse, dying to get more.
Maybe youโve stayed up late, googling why you fall in love with someone you canโt have, or wonder how to attract a specific person, even though right now the odds seem completely stacked against you.
Maybe youโve tried endless law of attraction methods to attract a specific person, meditated and even used magic to attract a specific person (SP).
Maybe youโve even been to hours of therapy to sort this out.
Related: 8 Ways To Tell If Heโs With You Just Because Heโs Lonely
Ever wonder WHY you fall in love with emotionally unavailable people in the first place?
The answer is simple, but crushing.
Unrequited love keeps YOU unavailable as you wait.
Since youโve already been auto-rejected by your love objectโs total unavailability from the start, the risk of rejection is completely removed since you arenโt even a real option as a partner for them.
Youโre completely free to love them from afar without the risk of them abandoning you since they (but also you) werenโt available from the start.
Since you put them out of your orbit from the beginning, you get the added ego benefit of striving and working for this lofty new goal. You have a cause. A grand journey.
โI just have to learn how to manifest a specific personโ you tell yourself.
Then, in the chance you succeed in turning this situation around, you get to pretend itโs because youโre so irresistible and flawless at the law of attraction you couldnโt possibly be rejected after all that โwork.โ
Butโฆ behind closed doors youโve been dealing out that rejection to yourselfโฆ for years.
Because a controlled burn canโt get that out of hand.
Falling in love with someone who has the capacity to actually love you back represents the REAL dragon.
After all, what if you opened up and let him see your real, soft, sweet, squishy dark heart and then he rejected you?
What if he leaves?
What if you let go of all this icky control, let someone genuinely love you back and youโre STILL not good enough?
What if he dies?
Oh hell no. You might die from that whole bullshit experience.
Better stay safe with these charming people who canโt really hurt you.
Falling in love with someone you canโt have might be frustrating and soul-crushing but itโs pretty โsafeโ because they canโt even really choose to reject you since โthe situationโ already has.
If you just fall for someone who canโt love you back, you get to stall. Youโre also completely free to distract yourself with fast food, shitty connections with disposable people you donโt even want to see again since your โrealโ lover isnโt there.
Your real self gets to play in her playpen, safe from judgment. Never truly seen or heard, but completely devoid of accountability.
Safe from risking any gut-wrenching, soul-destroying, painful experience which might point out that sheโs ACTUALLY as unworthy and crappy and empty as you knew all along.
โBetter keep her to myself, sheโs deformed. If he sees HER, oh my Godโฆ then my secret will REALLY be out. Thereโs no way anyone would stick around if they knew the real me. Better stick with this (safely) impossible situation.โ
Then you get to spend your precious time and vast amounts of emotional energy distracting yourself with plotting, planning, and scheming over โwhen the conditions changeโ or when you finally โwinโ him over and convince him to leave his wife, stop being a workaholic, return to your stone-dead relationship or seduce him.
Related: 6 Signs He Is Incapable Of Love
Then, THEN you would have REAL evidence of your irresistibility since you โwonโ at this impossible game you rigged from the start.
THEN youโll be ready for prime time.
THEN youโll be good enough.
Youโll even have the added bonus of undeniable (right..?) PROOF heโs so smitten with you he could never change his mind could he?
On the off chance you win, you get to hide in the illusion that since you turned this icky situation around with your complete irresistibility then you have nothing to fear. Youโre safe. Overcoming the odds just might prove your true worthiness.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?
He couldnโt possibly go to to all this trouble to overcome the odds and jump through all these hoops and THEN dump you. No way.
The sick, sad truth is:
Your self-worth is in the toilet.
If it wasnโt, you would absolutely REFUSE to put yourself in this position or anything like itโ ever.
You might vaguely fantasize about some random personโs sheer physical hotness (since we all do)โ but you would never lower yourself to โhelplesslyโ falling in love with someone you canโt have.
You would never even DREAM of saying to your precious, irresistible, goddess-self:
โYou know what? You are not WORTH big, amazing, vulnerable love. You have no choice but to play small because youโre not good enough. You should keep going with this impossible situation since you definitely donโt measure up to what youโre afraid to even admit you really want.โ
You wouldnโt sit around wishing, waiting, and hoping for โyour turnโ with this person who isnโt yours. You wouldnโt scheme about getting rid of his relationship to insert yourself. You wouldnโt find ways to change the situation โin your favor.โ
You wouldnโt even care. He would be a non-issue for you.
You canโt be hurt by anyone except yourself when youโre this committed to hiding.
So let me ask you.
Where did you get this faulty, shitty idea that you are so broken and crappy and second-rate that you have no choice but to lower yourself?
After all, itโs YOU who insists this is the way it has to be. That youโre some hapless victim of YOUR feelings around some situation that YOU rigged.
What if you stopped trying to control other peopleโs reactions to your carefully cultivated, fake, BULLSHIT persona built on NOTHING except people-pleasing and reputation management?
Even with the people closest to you who you SAY you love but donโt even know you?
What if you just stopped running that inner gauntlet of fun-house mirror insecurities and committed to doing this whole โlove thingโ straight as YOU?
Related: 7 Reasons Most People Fear Falling In Love
What if you stopped telling yourself all about everything wrong with you and started noticing everything thatโs OH SO RIGHT?
What if you dropped this whole struggle to attract someone specific, started building your gorgeous castle on bedrock and THEN attracted whoever you want?
Havenโt you had enough?
Written by Elizabeth Stone Originally appeared in AttractTheOne.com
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