Why We Love People We Can’t Have and How To Deal With It

 / 

,
Why We Love People We Can't Have and How To Deal With It

Loving someone you can’t have can take a huge emotional toll on you and your mental health. But why do we fall in love with people we can’t have?

Have you fallen love with someone who you canโ€™t have?

Scratching your head wondering, โ€œwhy do I always fall in love with someone I canโ€™t have?โ€ then wonder how to manifest the love you really want? From that specific person?

The law of attraction teachings make it sound so easy to manifest true love with a specific person.

The truth is like most things thereโ€™s more to it.

Maybe unrequited love is a frustrating, sickening pattern in your life.

You see someone and just get sucked in. Before you know it, youโ€™re counting the seconds before you see them again. Hoping to catch a glimpse, dying to get more.

Maybe youโ€™ve stayed up late, googling why you fall in love with someone you canโ€™t have, or wonder how to attract a specific person, even though right now the odds seem completely stacked against you.

Maybe youโ€™ve tried endless law of attraction methods to attract a specific person, meditated and even used magic to attract a specific person (SP).

Maybe youโ€™ve even been to hours of therapy to sort this out.

Related: 8 Ways To Tell If Heโ€™s With You Just Because Heโ€™s Lonely

Ever wonder WHY you fall in love with emotionally unavailable people in the first place?

The answer is simple, but crushing.

Unrequited love keeps YOU unavailable as you wait.

Since youโ€™ve already been auto-rejected by your love objectโ€™s total unavailability from the start, the risk of rejection is completely removed since you arenโ€™t even a real option as a partner for them.

Youโ€™re completely free to love them from afar without the risk of them abandoning you since they (but also you) werenโ€™t available from the start.

Since you put them out of your orbit from the beginning, you get the added ego benefit of striving and working for this lofty new goal. You have a cause. A grand journey.

โ€œI just have to learn how to manifest a specific personโ€ you tell yourself.

Then, in the chance you succeed in turning this situation around, you get to pretend itโ€™s because youโ€™re so irresistible and flawless at the law of attraction you couldnโ€™t possibly be rejected after all that โ€œwork.โ€

Butโ€ฆ behind closed doors youโ€™ve been dealing out that rejection to yourselfโ€ฆ for years.

Because a controlled burn canโ€™t get that out of hand.

Falling in love with someone who has the capacity to actually love you back represents the REAL dragon.

After all, what if you opened up and let him see your real, soft, sweet, squishy dark heart and then he rejected you?

What if he leaves?

What if you let go of all this icky control, let someone genuinely love you back and youโ€™re STILL not good enough?

What if he dies?

Oh hell no. You might die from that whole bullshit experience.

Better stay safe with these charming people who canโ€™t really hurt you.

Falling in love with someone you canโ€™t have might be frustrating and soul-crushing but itโ€™s pretty โ€œsafeโ€ because they canโ€™t even really choose to reject you since โ€œthe situationโ€ already has.

If you just fall for someone who canโ€™t love you back, you get to stall. Youโ€™re also completely free to distract yourself with fast food, shitty connections with disposable people you donโ€™t even want to see again since your โ€œrealโ€ lover isnโ€™t there.

Your real self gets to play in her playpen, safe from judgment. Never truly seen or heard, but completely devoid of accountability.

Safe from risking any gut-wrenching, soul-destroying, painful experience which might point out that sheโ€™s ACTUALLY as unworthy and crappy and empty as you knew all along.

โ€œBetter keep her to myself, sheโ€™s deformed. If he sees HER, oh my Godโ€ฆ then my secret will REALLY be out. Thereโ€™s no way anyone would stick around if they knew the real me. Better stick with this (safely) impossible situation.โ€

Then you get to spend your precious time and vast amounts of emotional energy distracting yourself with plotting, planning, and scheming over โ€œwhen the conditions changeโ€ or when you finally โ€œwinโ€ him over and convince him to leave his wife, stop being a workaholic, return to your stone-dead relationship or seduce him.

Related: 6 Signs He Is Incapable Of Love

Then, THEN you would have REAL evidence of your irresistibility since you โ€œwonโ€ at this impossible game you rigged from the start.

THEN youโ€™ll be ready for prime time.

THEN youโ€™ll be good enough.

Youโ€™ll even have the added bonus of undeniable (right..?) PROOF heโ€™s so smitten with you he could never change his mind could he?

On the off chance you win, you get to hide in the illusion that since you turned this icky situation around with your complete irresistibility then you have nothing to fear. Youโ€™re safe. Overcoming the odds just might prove your true worthiness.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

He couldnโ€™t possibly go to to all this trouble to overcome the odds and jump through all these hoops and THEN dump you. No way.

The sick, sad truth is:

Your self-worth is in the toilet.

If it wasnโ€™t, you would absolutely REFUSE to put yourself in this position or anything like itโ€” ever.

You might vaguely fantasize about some random personโ€™s sheer physical hotness (since we all do)โ€” but you would never lower yourself to โ€œhelplesslyโ€ falling in love with someone you canโ€™t have.

You would never even DREAM of saying to your precious, irresistible, goddess-self:

โ€œYou know what? You are not WORTH big, amazing, vulnerable love. You have no choice but to play small because youโ€™re not good enough. You should keep going with this impossible situation since you definitely donโ€™t measure up to what youโ€™re afraid to even admit you really want.โ€

You wouldnโ€™t sit around wishing, waiting, and hoping for โ€œyour turnโ€ with this person who isnโ€™t yours. You wouldnโ€™t scheme about getting rid of his relationship to insert yourself. You wouldnโ€™t find ways to change the situation โ€œin your favor.โ€

You wouldnโ€™t even care. He would be a non-issue for you.

You canโ€™t be hurt by anyone except yourself when youโ€™re this committed to hiding.

So let me ask you.

Where did you get this faulty, shitty idea that you are so broken and crappy and second-rate that you have no choice but to lower yourself?

After all, itโ€™s YOU who insists this is the way it has to be. That youโ€™re some hapless victim of YOUR feelings around some situation that YOU rigged.

What if you stopped trying to control other peopleโ€™s reactions to your carefully cultivated, fake, BULLSHIT persona built on NOTHING except people-pleasing and reputation management?

Even with the people closest to you who you SAY you love but donโ€™t even know you?

What if you just stopped running that inner gauntlet of fun-house mirror insecurities and committed to doing this whole โ€œlove thingโ€ straight as YOU?

Related: 7 Reasons Most People Fear Falling In Love

What if you stopped telling yourself all about everything wrong with you and started noticing everything thatโ€™s OH SO RIGHT?

What if you dropped this whole struggle to attract someone specific, started building your gorgeous castle on bedrock and THEN attracted whoever you want?

Havenโ€™t you had enough?

Written by Elizabeth Stone
Originally appeared in AttractTheOne.com
Why you fall in love with someone you can't have pin
Why We Love People We Can’t Have and How To Deal With It
Why We Love People We Can't Have and How To Deal With It

— Share —

— About the Author —

Responses

  1. Elizabeth Hodgson Avatar
    Elizabeth Hodgson

    Thank you so much for your wisdom.
    I really needed that.

Leave a Reply



Up Next

What is a Trophy Husband In Today’s Relationship Dynamics?

Signs of a Trophy Husband: Exploring Modern Masculinity

Most of us are aware of the term โ€œtrophy wifeโ€. But have you heard about a โ€œtrophy husbandโ€? It is a somewhat new term that is a gender-swapped version of the more popular concept of โ€œtrophy wifeโ€. 

In today’s evolving society, where gender roles are constantly being redefined, there’s a rising trend of trophy husbands. These men are not only eye-catching companions but also possess qualities that make them desirable partners. 

Today, let us explore this fascinating concept and understand what is a trophy husband,  the signs to look for, why being a trophy husband is exhausting, and the potential issues that can arise in relationships with them.

What is a Trophy Husband?



Up Next

Feeling Like Roommates In A Marriage? 7 Signs Of Roommate Syndrome And What You Can Do To Change That

Feeling Like Roommates In A Marriage? Signs Spark Is Gone

Are you feeling like roommates in a marriage? You know, that sinking feeling when you realize the spark has fizzled, and your relationship has become more about paying bills and coordinating schedules than love and connection.

The thing is, roommate syndrome is more common than you think, and many couples face this, after being together for a long time. When you are in the roommate phase of a relationship, you might ask yourself why and when the romance disappeared or if you’re both just pretending to be happy.

But that might not be the case. In this article, we are going to look at what is roommate syndrome, the signs of roommate syndrome, and how to deal with roommate syndrome, so that you stop feeling like roommates in a marriage.

So, let’s get started, shall we?



Up Next

Am I In Love Or Just Experiencing Limerence? 5 Signs To Look For

Limerence vs Love? Signs That Differ From True Love

Are you head over heels for somebody or have you plummeted into limerence? Learn the distinction between limerence vs love to make sure that your romantic bond doesnโ€™t turn into a serious addiction.

Limerence is a psychological state that can leave you feeling exhilarated but confused. This state isn’t just another word for love. It has unique properties that differ limerence vs love.

What is limerence vs love?

In simpler words, limerence in a relationship when someone is madly in love with another person. So much so that it affects their mindset and they canโ€™t think of anything else but him/her.

It might not seem too different from love.



Up Next

8 Ways To Upgrade Your Relationship

Ways To Upgrade Your Relationship

Do you feel like your relationship has lost that spark from before? If you answered yes, then you should know that many couples go through this, which is why it’s important to know how to improve your relationship. This article is going to talk about how to strengthen your relationship and upgrade your relationship.

It seems like it should be natural to treat our partners with love, consideration, and respect. Yet, for many people in long-term relationships, the warmth and kindness that were present in the early days of dating can fade over time.

Most people treat their partners with the utmost respect and kindness in the courting stage. The relationship probably wouldnโ€™t have progressed if they hadnโ€™t. Why do so many people present the best version of themselves early on, and over time, treat their beloved partners with disrespect, di



Up Next

5 Ways To Rekindle The Spark In Your Relationship

Ways To Rekindle The Spark In Your Relationship

If you feel that the spark in your relationship is gone, then let me tell you something – you can rekindle the spark in your relationship again! Now the question is, how to reignite the spark in your relationship? How can you make your relationship feel like the olden days again? Let’s find out!

Remember the feelings you experienced when you first started dating your spouse or partner? Perhaps you felt excitement, attraction, and anticipation? As the relationship has progressed, has it been difficult to maintain those initial feelings?

Once lifeโ€™s responsibilities, careers, kids, and the passing of time are added to the mix, that initial spark can easily diminish if we donโ€™t keep it stoked.

Fortunately



Up Next

How To Deal With Your Partner’s Obsessive Ex? 4 Tips For Successfully Handling One

Deal With Your Partner's Obsessive Ex: Tips And Tricks

Have you ever had to deal with an obsessive ex? Moreover, have you ever had to deal with your partner’s obsessive and toxic ex? If you have, you already know how disturbing it is to go through this. This article is going to talk about some of the best ways to deal with a toxic ex or deal with your partner’s toxic ex.

My friend is happily married to a man who has a child. He is a devoted and loving father who sought full custody of the children; the court denied his petition.

His two children are living with their narcissistic mother who actively alienates the children from their father. His ex was obsessed with him during their short and turbulent relationship. She was deceitful, abusive, controlling, and highly destructive. They hooked up while drunk.



Up Next

Are You Hesitant To Commit? 6 Warning Signs Of Lack Of Commitment In A Relationship And How To Navigate Them

Signs of Lack of Commitment in a Relationship: Red Flags

Do you always find yourself in short-term, casual relationships? Does the idea of committing in a relationship make you nervous? Are you showing signs of lack of commitment in a relationship?

Commitment issues can be a significant barrier to building a healthy and fulfilling partnership, affecting both individuals involved. Today, let us explore what are commitment issues, the signs that may indicate their presence, the underlying causes of commitment issues, and effective strategies to overcome them.

By understanding these factors, you can empower yourself to navigate the complexities of relationships with greater confidence and clarity.

Are You Afraid of Commitment?