How Love Laws Make Your Relationship Heaven or Hell
Love Laws are designed to speed up the decision process. Could you imagine if we had to go through every single experience in our life and analyze it? This would be paralysis by analysis.
Love Laws make it simple: does this person love me, or not? Am I risking myself too much? If I do this, will I be loved?
The problem is that by doing this, we simplify our love lives and how our partner treats us. We start reacting instead of responding.
Maybe you have a love law that states: if my partner isn’t on time for our date, then he is obviously flirting with that girl from his office.
So when he does show up at the date a few minutes late even with the special order flowers he bought, you’re all pissed off at him and deleting the fact that he was late due to the florist taking her time making a special bouquet of flowers for you.
Love Laws cause us to delete other pieces of evidence that disprove the theories we form about how much our partners love us.
Every relationship problem you’ve had in your life is a direct result of a love law violation. There’s a difference between the other person’s laws and your laws, and you’re both going to believe that one should be treated in a relationship differently.
In my research and time working with clients, I’ve noticed that very few people are consciously aware of their own Love Laws. Most are completely oblivious to their partner’s Love Laws as well, which may be very different. Rather, they feel an emotion, an anxiety, or a sadness. Their mind might start to drown in the ocean of what-ifs about their partner.
When you’re in this state, you may compulsively check your phone. Or you may withdraw completely from your partner. Cheating is a by-product of one or both partners feeling disconnected or not loved in the way they need.
If you can understand your own Love Laws, you can immediately help your partner understand you better and improve the quality of how you feel in the relationship. If you can understand your partner’s Love Laws too, well hot damn. You’re getting on the train of lasting love!
When our love laws are violated, our mind becomes activated and brainwashes us with theories of what we believe is happening. Rarely are these theories true.
That said, I don’t recommend sitting with a theory of what may be happening. Rather, I believe asking in an honest, non-attacking way: “Hey Rachel. I don’t know why I feel this way, but I feel like you don’t love me. It may be my brain going crazy, but could you cuddle with me for a few moments? Cuddling always makes me feel loved. I would really appreciate it.”
If we can understand our Love Laws as well as the love laws of our partner, we can work together to meet both of our needs.
Step 1: Understand Your Love Laws
I want you to ask yourself the following questions and write them down:
What must happen for you to feel loved?
What must happen for you to feel loving?
What happens when you feel unloved?
What happens when you don’t feel loving?
What must your partner do when something bad happens in your life?
What must your partner do for you to feel love when something good happens in your life?
Step 2: Understand Your Partner’s Love Laws
Have your partner complete Step 1. Then sit down with your partner and go through every question. Discuss them. Be curious. Understand how your partner sees the world. Understand how they feel love. Understand what happens when they don’t feel loved.