Letter to Alexander

Letter to Alexander

I thought I could be cool, survive the fling, the short termed lust, the euphoria. But I soon realized I’m not good candidate for a one night stand or casual intimacies. Yes, we both are in love, we declared it, many times. 

But, I sensed I don’t want to be left wondering, in this ambiguousness, to an unavailable man, to an inconsistent attachment, for our uncertain future.
I become anxious, constantly wondering where is my love going, why am I so hurt, why am I allowing this pain on myself.
I don’t deserve this hurt for wanting to love and be loved.
Yes, I need attachment, I need consistency, I don’t want to be an option to fill your current life’s emptiness, there is either a Yes or a No, but not a Maybe, nor a Hopefully nor a Let’s See.
If you are not ready for this attachment for multitude of reasons or stakes, then you are not ready for me now.
But yet, all that you’d tell is “don’t put pressure on us”.
Then, why constantly tie me down with your overflowing attention and affections, it’s unfair on me too, it contradicts your situation, contradicts my beliefs about love.
I can’t walk the streets as a secret lover. That kills my charisma, my confidence in self and in love. It humiliates.
My pure feelings deserves more that that, my loyalty deserves equal respect. But, because you are not ready, You can’t have both your current life and me to fill what’s missing.
I am sorry I have to take a step back, reevaluate what’s worth now and for my future, before it’s too late, before the damage is too deep. 
For one thing is sure, I am only for a consistent, undivided love, for the long haul, and only that. 

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