I hate seeing my kids in photos with him and his partner, looking all happy.
I just want him to suffer. I don’t want him to be happy.
After what he did to me, it’s not fair that he’s put his life together so much faster than I have.
I am not proud to admit I am feeling these things. If I were not committed to being real and brave, I wouldn’t have shared them. But these thoughts “hooked” me after his text. And they have me feeling a lot of feelings that are very uncomfortable.
Yes, I know better. And what does this have to do with this article?
My point in telling you about this today – why I’m getting super vulnerable today (and sharing feelings that I am not necessarily proud to admit I am having) – is to talk about discomfort.
My Greatest Teacher
My ex-husband has been, hands-down, the greatest source of pain and suffering in my life.
But he is also my greatest teacher.
Six years ago, I didn’t know how to sit with discomfort. I was honestly not capable of sitting with uncomfortable feelings. I would turn to my eating disorder, or why I didn’t want to be alive anymore, or drink, or exercise until the point of exhaustion, or sleep to avoid feeling the pain.
And the discomfort would spiral. By resisting those feelings, they actually got worse.
My ex was my greatest teacher because today, I actually can sit with these awful, painful, uncomfortable feelings. I’m sitting with them and actually feeling them. Sitting with them and not spiralling into a hopeless depression.
I may be a little scattered and distracted, but I’m going about my day. I’m doing the things, and I’m moving through it.
Feel your feelings
As I type this, I am on the verge of tears with a pit in my stomach. But I am going about my day. And I am leaning into these feelings and actually feeling them – really feeling them – fully. I have NEVER been able to do that before.
As I lean in, I have waves of feeling like I can’t breathe. I look for my feelings in my body. I locate them in my throat and in my chest. I feel tight and constricted.
But I lean in and feel them. I breathe them in, I breathe into them. I feel the pain but I also send joy and light and peace to them.
I’m getting curious about them. As I sit here typing with tears rolling down my face, I am finding this tremendous freedom in my tears because they are not only sad tears, they are also happy tears.
They are tears of relief because I have finally learned how to do the thing that no one wants to do.
And that is to just BE and feel everything. Not only the good, but the bad too.
I find tremendous peace and relief in that.
Feeling the uncomfortable feelings
My invitation to you is, next time you feel some uncomfortable emotions – sadness, anger, frustration, despair – stop. Don’t fight them. Feel your feelings. Try to locate the emotion in your body.
Where do you feel it?
Where is it coming from?
Where do you feel the tightness or contraction? Really feel that bodily sensation.
Then, breathe into it. Breathe love and joy and light into that feeling. And observe it. Watch the feeling come and go in waves.
Feel your feelings. It’s fascinating.
Now as I type, I’m not crying anymore. I’m smiling.
Life goes on, even with uncomfortable feelings
One of the great joys in life is when you can finally be free of being “hooked” by your emotions. When you can experience a “negative” emotion and just sit with it, knowing it’s not the end of the world.
Life goes on. It really does.
Are you ready to feel your feelings?