The Secret To Long-Lasting Relationships, According To Science

Secret To Long Lasting Relationships

Do you know there is a science-backed formula that can help couples build long lasting relationships? Yes, the secret behind lasting relationships has been cracked open!

“Till death do us part” is not merely a part of an oath; it’s a sentiment, an emotion that stimulates couples to enter into the bond of holy matrimony with a resolution to stick together till their last breath.

Alas, most of the marriages that begin with this noble sentiment are fated to end in broken promises, resentments, and ultimately in a legal separation or divorce. A study even goes on to claim that in the United States, “nearly half of all marriages end in divorce.”

But divorce is not the only sign of a failed marriage. There are many couples who end up staying in a bitter, unhealthy, and dysfunctional wedlock that is marked by conflicts, aggression, and in worst cases, abuse and violence. Sadly, this rings true for all romantic partners, whether married or not.

Read: Are you being emotionally abused in your relationship? Take this emotional abuse test to find out!

So is there no happily ever after? Are all relationships doomed to become toxic? Or there is a magic formula for long lasting relationships which is known and mastered only by the “chosen ones”, whose nuptial success is both revered and envied by the other less fortunate couples?

The Secret To Long-Lasting Relationships

Ever since colonial times, Americans have considered the sanctity of marriage as the bedrock of a healthy society. But as the number of divorces started rising in the 1970s, social scientists became interested in the topic of a lasting marriage.

They invited couples to participate in their research work and closely observed the partners interact with each other in their labs, with the sole purpose of finding out the secret behind long lasting relationships. What factors cause a marriage to fall apart and what are the rules for long lasting relationships?

One of those researchers was the renowned psychologist John Gottman. He has done extensive work on this topic for the past 4 decades. Along with his wife Julie Gottman, another notable psychologist, he runs the Gottman Institute to help couples build lasting relationships based on scientific research.

And their several years’ worth of studies and findings can be summed up in one statement: the secret to love is just kindness.

Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down To 2 Basic Traits

According to the Gottmans, lasting relationships rely on two traits:

  • Kindness
  • Generosity

The secret behind building lasting relationships is so simple yet so complicated. Let’s have a close look at how these 2 traits help to form long lasting relationships.

In his line of work, Gottman observed many romantic partners, both in and out of wedlock, interacting with each other. These couples fall under 2 categories:

  • The Disasters
  • The Masters

While being interviewed, the “disaster couples” showed clear signs of arousal, which can be interpreted as the physiological reaction to stress or “fight-flight” mode. It means that they were under a lot of stress simply by being next to each other. Criticism, judgment, aggression, and resentments were bred in their relationships.

The electrodes that were hooked up to them read that the “disaster couple” partners had accelerated heart rates, active sweat glands, and fast blood flows, all indicating that they were prepared to attack and to be attacked in their relationship. They were covertly snappy and had no compassion for each other’s follies.

Saying I love you is not enough to form long lasting relationships.
Saying I love you is not enough to form long lasting relationships

Read: Stress: How It Affects The Mind And Body

On the other hand, the “Masters” ranked lower in the detection of physiological arousal. They were calm and affectionate with each other as if they had mastered the art of sustaining long lasting relationships. They had somehow created an environment of trust and intimacy, which made them physically and emotionally comfortable with one another.

Following up with the research subjects after several years, Gottman found that the “Masters” couple had a much higher rate of successful relationships than that of the “Disasters”.

In his quest to unlock the mystery behind the successful long lasting relationships of the Master couples, Gottman conducted further research and found out some startling truths about long lasting relationships as well as relationships that languish.

  • Connection Bids
  • Shared Joy

He observed that each partner of a romantic relationship makes connection requests, or “Bids” to the other partner.

“Come, taste the soup”

“Have you seen this news?”

“You must read this book, it’s amazing”

All these statements might appear to be casual conversations, but in reality, these are requests from a partner to take an interest in something they are excited about, to connect, to participate.

Now when such a “bid” is placed,  it is up to the other partner whether to “turn toward their partner” or to “turn away”. The Master couples turned toward each other and engaged one another much more than the Disaster couples.

Another factor that strengthens the future of long lasting relationships is shared joy or excitement. When one of the partners shares good news about something that is important to them and the other partner reacts with enthusiasm and excitement, it boosts the morale of the former partner.

Similarly, if a shared joy is greeted with a cold shoulder, it dampens the spirit of the partner who was looking for some appreciation or encouragement.

So Where Do Kindness And Generosity Come Into The Picture?

Saying I love you is not enough to form long lasting relationships.
To have long lasting relationships, you have to offer unwavering support

It is easier to be attentive to your partner or respond affectionately to their “bids” when you are in a good mood or when things are going well. But when you are stressed, tired, or distracted, only kindness toward your partner will make you respond affirmatively.

When you are not in total agreement with a decision your partner makes, only kindness prevents you from raining on their parade.

When you get angry and hurt during a fight, only kindness stops you from snapping and hurting them back.

But oftentimes a partner might try to be supportive or make a loving gesture that gets poorly executed. A husband might have the intention to take his wife out for a romantic dinner but had to cancel due to some urgent task at the office. In such situations, the other partner has to be generous enough to appreciate the intention.

When couples show kindness toward one another, even under stressful circumstances, and chose to be generous enough to overlook each other’s little mistakes, they form long lasting relationships for life.

Read: How To Stop Arguments? 5 Emotional Self-Regulation Skills For Constructive Arguments

How To Build Lasting Relationships?

The main difference between the “Disaster” and the “Masters” is that the former group looks for the mistakes of their partners and holds grievances. These give way to resentments, contempt, and the eventual downfall of the relationship.

While the latter looks for reasons to be grateful for their relationship. They are kind to their partners even when they are under a lot of stress. They also generously acknowledge the good intentions of their partners, overlooking any unintended consequences.

So, flex your kindness and generosity muscles and keep working on these two traits.

Love Is A Verb

A relationship might end due to many reasons, but the secret to forming long lasting relationships lies in two magic ingredients: kindness and generosity, at all times; even when the bills are pouring in, even when work is driving you mad, or even when the kid just won’t stop crying. Therefore, the signs of a long lasting relationship are compassion, shared joy, engagement, forgiveness, and the ability to let go of petty differences.

All long lasting relationships need to be based on kindness and generosity.
When I say I love you more…

So how did you like our article on the topic of long lasting relationships? I hope by now you know how to have a long lasting relationship with your partner and what are the things that you need to steer clear of. Do let us know your views by commenting down below.

Read: Why Relationships Fail


Lasting relationships come down to 2 basic Traits
Lasting relationships come down to 2 basic Traits
Secret To Long Lasting Relationships pin

— About the Author —

Responses

Leave a Reply



Up Next

What is a Trophy Husband In Today’s Relationship Dynamics?

Signs of a Trophy Husband: Exploring Modern Masculinity

Most of us are aware of the term “trophy wife”. But have you heard about a “trophy husband”? It is a somewhat new term that is a gender-swapped version of the more popular concept of “trophy wife”. 

In today’s evolving society, where gender roles are constantly being redefined, there’s a rising trend of trophy husbands. These men are not only eye-catching companions but also possess qualities that make them desirable partners. 

Today, let us explore this fascinating concept and understand what is a trophy husband,  the signs to look for, why being a trophy husband is exhausting, and the potential issues that can arise in relationships with them.

What is a Trophy Husband?



Up Next

Feeling Like Roommates In A Marriage? 7 Signs Of Roommate Syndrome And What You Can Do To Change That

Feeling Like Roommates In A Marriage? Signs Spark Is Gone

Are you feeling like roommates in a marriage? You know, that sinking feeling when you realize the spark has fizzled, and your relationship has become more about paying bills and coordinating schedules than love and connection.

The thing is, roommate syndrome is more common than you think, and many couples face this, after being together for a long time. When you are in the roommate phase of a relationship, you might ask yourself why and when the romance disappeared or if you’re both just pretending to be happy.

But that might not be the case. In this article, we are going to look at what is roommate syndrome, the signs of roommate syndrome, and how to deal with roommate syndrome, so that you stop feeling like roommates in a marriage.

So, let’s get started, shall we?



Up Next

Am I In Love Or Just Experiencing Limerence? 5 Signs To Look For

Limerence vs Love? Signs That Differ From True Love

Are you head over heels for somebody or have you plummeted into limerence? Learn the distinction between limerence vs love to make sure that your romantic bond doesn’t turn into a serious addiction.

Limerence is a psychological state that can leave you feeling exhilarated but confused. This state isn’t just another word for love. It has unique properties that differ limerence vs love.

What is limerence vs love?

In simpler words, limerence in a relationship when someone is madly in love with another person. So much so that it affects their mindset and they can’t think of anything else but him/her.

It might not seem too different from love.



Up Next

8 Ways To Upgrade Your Relationship

Ways To Upgrade Your Relationship

Do you feel like your relationship has lost that spark from before? If you answered yes, then you should know that many couples go through this, which is why it’s important to know how to improve your relationship. This article is going to talk about how to strengthen your relationship and upgrade your relationship.

It seems like it should be natural to treat our partners with love, consideration, and respect. Yet, for many people in long-term relationships, the warmth and kindness that were present in the early days of dating can fade over time.

Most people treat their partners with the utmost respect and kindness in the courting stage. The relationship probably wouldn’t have progressed if they hadn’t. Why do so many people present the best version of themselves early on, and over time, treat their beloved partners with disrespect, di



Up Next

5 Ways To Rekindle The Spark In Your Relationship

Ways To Rekindle The Spark In Your Relationship

If you feel that the spark in your relationship is gone, then let me tell you something – you can rekindle the spark in your relationship again! Now the question is, how to reignite the spark in your relationship? How can you make your relationship feel like the olden days again? Let’s find out!

Remember the feelings you experienced when you first started dating your spouse or partner? Perhaps you felt excitement, attraction, and anticipation? As the relationship has progressed, has it been difficult to maintain those initial feelings?

Once life’s responsibilities, careers, kids, and the passing of time are added to the mix, that initial spark can easily diminish if we don’t keep it stoked.

Fortunately



Up Next

How To Deal With Your Partner’s Obsessive Ex? 4 Tips For Successfully Handling One

Deal With Your Partner's Obsessive Ex: Tips And Tricks

Have you ever had to deal with an obsessive ex? Moreover, have you ever had to deal with your partner’s obsessive and toxic ex? If you have, you already know how disturbing it is to go through this. This article is going to talk about some of the best ways to deal with a toxic ex or deal with your partner’s toxic ex.

My friend is happily married to a man who has a child. He is a devoted and loving father who sought full custody of the children; the court denied his petition.

His two children are living with their narcissistic mother who actively alienates the children from their father. His ex was obsessed with him during their short and turbulent relationship. She was deceitful, abusive, controlling, and highly destructive. They hooked up while drunk.



Up Next

Are You Hesitant To Commit? 6 Warning Signs Of Lack Of Commitment In A Relationship And How To Navigate Them

Signs of Lack of Commitment in a Relationship: Red Flags

Do you always find yourself in short-term, casual relationships? Does the idea of committing in a relationship make you nervous? Are you showing signs of lack of commitment in a relationship?

Commitment issues can be a significant barrier to building a healthy and fulfilling partnership, affecting both individuals involved. Today, let us explore what are commitment issues, the signs that may indicate their presence, the underlying causes of commitment issues, and effective strategies to overcome them.

By understanding these factors, you can empower yourself to navigate the complexities of relationships with greater confidence and clarity.

Are You Afraid of Commitment?