How To Know If You’re Dating A Narcissist

 / 

, ,
How To Know If You're Dating a Narcissist

Narcissists are extremely charismatic beings who can woo you on the very first date . As they are master manipulators, it can be difficult to realize that they may have already hooked you. Here are some potential red flags to find out if you’re really dating a narcissist.

Are You Dating A Narcissist?

You wonโ€™t realize youโ€™re dating a narcissist. Narcissists are skilled at making people like them. They can be very alluring and charming and exciting to date. In fact, in one study, it took seven meetings for people to see through their likable veneer. In a dating situation, a narcissist has a greater incentive to win you overโ€”sadly, sometimes all the way to the altar. 

Narcissists are often physically attractive, charismatic, and sexually appealing. Weโ€™re drawn to their intelligence, entertaining personality, special talents, or professional success. Their company can be pleasurable and never boring. 

Dating is a Game

Dating a Narcissist

Although some narcissists seek long-term relationships, others are expert game-players. To them, โ€œThe chase is better than the catch.โ€ Their objective is to receive admiration and get their sexual needs met with little emotional investment.

Relationships are considered transactions and work for them as long as theyโ€™re getting their narcissistic supply. The closer you get, the more they equivocate. They want their options open with multiple sources to meet endless needs for supply. They check out other prospects and flirt right in front of you!

Although narcissists lack empathy, they possess emotional intelligence that helps them perceive, express, understand, and manage emotions. This enhances their expertise as manipulators. Theyโ€™re skilled at deception to achieve their aims, sometimes consciously, but at other times, itโ€™s just their style.

They may even believe theyโ€™re being sincere. Although in reality, theyโ€™re self-centered and emotionally unavailable, initially they may be generous and good listeners. They may even appear to be vulnerable by sharing personal, intimate information. This is a tactic of their seduction strategy. Among their manipulative tactics are flirtation, flattery, and finesse. 

Women narcissists are flirtatious and can charm men with their beauty and sex appeal. Then they play cat and mouse, make them jealous, or act nonchalant to hook men into pursuing them. Male narcissists often seduce with lavish gifts, fine dining, and a classy lifestyle. Some narcissists practice love-bombing and shower their partners with attention verbal, physical, and material expressions of โ€œloveโ€ that are hard to resist.

In a normal relationship, you grow closer over a number of months or years. But when it comes to a narcissist, one of the biggest red flags early in a relationship is his blatant desire to move quickly.

Read: How To Identify a Love Bomber: The Narcissistโ€™s Soulmate Scam

Dating Revolves Around the Narcissist

Itโ€™s natural to idealize our partner in the romantic phase of a relationship. Unfortunately, for those of us who are lonely, depressed, or codependent, idealization can feed our denial of red flags that should caution us to put on the brakes.

Itโ€™s also natural when falling in love to want to spend a lot of time with our partner. We may appreciate a man planning a wonderful evening or a woman who knows what she wants, and weโ€™re happy to go along. 

We donโ€™t notice that the relationship is developing on the narcissistโ€™s terms. Whereas we seek to please, the compromise is a painful loss of power.

Read: Why a Narcissist Does Not Seem Like a Narcissist at First

If we complain, they may act offended and say theyโ€™re doing everything for us, but never bother to ask what we want. They like to be in control, and before we know it, weโ€™ve allowed them to control when, where, and what we do and with whom.

Dating a Narcissist

At the start, we go along for the sake of being together, but later out of fear. This is particularly perilous for codependents who easily give up themselves and their friends and activities in new relationships. 

A corollary codependent behavior is not objecting to the narcissistโ€™s decisions and opinions. In the early stages of dating, we might not express anything that could negatively impact the relationship in order not to rock the boat.

When we hesitate to disagree and not express disappointment, irritation, or hurt feelings, we gradually disappear, and like Echo, we only echo what the narcissist believes and wants to hear. Weโ€™re not letting him or her know the negative impact of their behavior. So they have no incentive to change.

Accommodating a narcissist feeds their supply and makes codependents and narcissists a perfect match. 

What to Look For

Of course, itโ€™s their positive, not negative, qualities that make us fall in love, but if weโ€™re dating someone with a narcissistic personality disorder, they wonโ€™t be able to hide their true colors for long. Some narcissists openly admit they have difficulty with relationships or intimacy. Believe them.

Dating a Narcissist

Even clients who say their spouse completely changed after the wedding, admit that there were telltale signs early on, once they learned more about narcissism and themselves. For example, narcissists often come on strong. They work hard to make you like them in order to get their needs met rather than build a relationship based on knowing you, which doesnโ€™t interest them.

Itโ€™s common for narcissists to have outbursts of anger. A small disagreement can quickly erupt into a major conflict.

They wonโ€™t take responsibility. Everything is someone elseโ€™s fault, and that includes us. But even if they treat you wonderfully, notice if they denigrate their ex, act entitled, or are inconsiderate, manipulative, or demeaning of other people. Assume one day you will be on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse. Donโ€™t excuse bad behavior toward you or other people. Itโ€™s a pattern.

Read: What is Narcissistic Abuse: Signs to Identify It and Ways to Protect Yourself

At the beginning of dating narcissists, weโ€™re fascinated by hearing their achievements and listening to their stories, and entertaining banter. This is also how narcissists elevate their status in their eyes and ours.

As time goes on, itโ€™s clear that the conversation is all about them. Being a good listener is an asset, but with a narcissist, it ensures that we wonโ€™t be heard or seen. Some narcissists are dogmatic to maintain superiority.

They always have to be right and wonโ€™t listen to a differing opinion. If weโ€™re honest with ourselves, they donโ€™t really seem interested in us, except long enough to get their sexual and emotional needs met. Notice if you feel disengaged, invisible, patronized, or drained by the conversation.

When a narcissist can no longer maintain a superior status through charm and boasting, or should we complain, a narcissist will devalue us to feel superior. They find fault with us or tell us how we should act, dress, eat, or change in some way. Perfectionistic narcissists are the most difficult.

For example, a narcissistic woman might try to makeover her man and tell him how to dress. A male narcissist might focus on his girlfriendโ€™s physical appearance. If we express hurt, narcissists will say that theyโ€™re being helpful or that weโ€™re too sensitive.

At first, we might overlook criticism, especially if itโ€™s delivered in a teasing or calm manner and weโ€™ve been abused in the past or have low self-esteem. In time, demeaning remarks will become more frequent, overt, and callous.

When control is extreme, narcissists might interrogate us about our other relationships and conversations with family, our therapist, and friends. They might insist we dress and behave a certain way and try to limit our contacts and activities.

A true narcissist lacks empathy. We end up feeling that we donโ€™t matter and that our needs and feelings are unimportant. If when we share something sad or important with us, our partner doesnโ€™t show appropriate emotional responses, it may signal a lack of empathy.

Relationships with narcissists are challenging for codependents because the symptoms of codependency present obstacles to discerning these warning signs. There are multiple reasons why we might still love an abuser and find it difficult to leave.

This may be because we have an abusive parent or narcissistic mother or father who didnโ€™t value our needs and feelings. Healing codependency will help us change these relationship dynamics so that weโ€™re able to receive real love. 

See Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People 

What do you think? Are you dating a narcissist? Leave your thoughts in the comments.

ยฉ Darlene Lancer 2020


Written By: Darlene Lancer
Originally Appeared In: What Is Codependency
Know Youre Dating a Narcissist Pin
How To Know If You're Dating a Narcissist pin
How To Know If You're Dating a Narcissist pinex

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply



Up Next

The โ€œFalse Selfโ€ Of A Narcissist: Look Beyond The Facade!

Hidden Narcissist False Self: Make Believe Traits in Them

The narcissist false self is charming and confident, masking underlying insecurities and emptiness beneath. Let’s find out other secrets they hide!

Narcissists have a false self. Theyโ€™re master illusionists. They behave like a little king or queenโ€Šโ€”โ€Šwhether bragging or sulking. Their whole personality is a charade crafted to deceive you into believing they are confident, superior, self-sufficient, likable, and caring.

In studies, groups of people met with and liked a narcissist, but after 6 more interviews, they discerned the narcissistโ€™s true nature and changed thei



Up Next

How To Deal With Your Partner’s Obsessive Ex? 4 Tips For Successfully Handling One

Deal With Your Partner's Obsessive Ex: Tips And Tricks

Have you ever had to deal with an obsessive ex? Moreover, have you ever had to deal with your partner’s obsessive and toxic ex? If you have, you already know how disturbing it is to go through this. This article is going to talk about some of the best ways to deal with a toxic ex or deal with your partner’s toxic ex.

My friend is happily married to a man who has a child. He is a devoted and loving father who sought full custody of the children; the court denied his petition.

His two children are living with their narcissistic mother who actively alienates the children from their father. His ex was obsessed with him during their short and turbulent relationship. She was deceitful, abusive, controlling, and highly destructive. They hooked up while drunk.



Up Next

Dog Whistling Narcissist: 8 Ways Narcissists Use This Covert Manipulation Tactic

Dog Whistling Narcissist: Covert Ways They Manipulate You

Have you ever had the feeling that when you are talking to someone, there’s a hidden message they’re trying to get across to you? A message that feels insulting, condescending and hurtful? If you answered yes, then you are dealing with a dog whistling narcissist, my friend.

These people are experts at sending subtle messages that are extremely hurtful and humiliating, but only you understand it, not anyone else. When a narcissist uses dog whistling, their main motive is to manipulate you and keep you under their control. They’ll use it to dominate you, and put you down, while pretending to be harmless.

But what is dog whistling, and how narcissists use dog whistling? Let’s find out, shall we?



Up Next

What Is A Superiority Complex And How To Deal With Someone Who Thinks They Are Better Than You

What Is A Superiority Complex And How To Deal With It

Have you ever met someone who believes they are inherently better than others? Do they constantly exude an air of superiority, belittle others, or dismiss othersโ€™ accomplishments? This is a superiority complex in action. What is a superiority complex?

People who exhibit traits of condescension and arrogance are believed to have a superiority complex, a psychological phenomenon that drives such behavior. Letโ€™s explore the superiority complex in psychology, its signs, causes, and most importantly, how to deal with someone with a superiority complex.

What is a Superiority Complex?

A superiority co



Up Next

What Is A Devouring Mother? Overcoming A Narcissistic Mother’s Toxic Grip

What Is A Devouring Mother? Ways To Overcome Toxicity

Do you feel overwhelmed, smothered, or suffocated by all the love and attention your mother gives you? Perhaps you know people who feel trapped in situations where their motherโ€™s love becomes an all-encompassing affair? This phenomenon is referred to as โ€œThe Devouring Mother Archetype.โ€ Letโ€™s explore what is a devouring mother and how to deal with the devouring mother archetype.

What is a Devouring Mother?

The Freudian devouring mother describes a controlling, overbearing motherly figure hampering a child’s development and independence. It is marked by possessiveness and narcissism.

As the term is not a literal description, a devouring Mother does not mean a mother who consumes her children ph



Up Next

Is It Love Or A Trap? 10 Ominous And Warning Signs Of Love Bombing

Ominous And Warning Signs Of Love Bombing: Love Or Trap?

Have you ever experienced the turbulent side of love, that comes from falling head over heels for someone? The butterflies in your stomach, the passion you feel, and the feeling of being swept off your feet – feels amazing, doesn’t it? But what if I told you that behind this seemingly perfect faรงade lies something dark and sinister? What if I told you these are warning signs of love bombing?

Welcome to the dark world of love bombing; a psychological tactic used by manipulative people to gain control over your mind and heart. In this article, we will talk about what does love bombing mean, and the signs you are being love bombed.

Let’s get started first with what does love bombing mean, shal



Up Next

The Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing: 7 Subtle Signs Of An Altruistic Narcissist

Signs Of An Altruistic Narcissist: Beneath the Kindness

Have you ever met someone who seems super helpful and sweet, but it just doesnโ€™t seem genuine? Well, you might be looking at an altruistic narcissist, and this is one of the many signs of an altruistic narcissist.

You might be confused because when we think of narcissists, we usually think of them as selfish and uncaring. But there is another type of narcissist who does good deeds for a different reason โ€“ they want attention and praise and adulation.

So, without any further delay, let’s get down to knowing more about the altruistic narcissist and their signs. Let’s start with understanding what is an alt