It’s Scary Growing Up – MIND TALK

It feels cold tonight. It’s unusually quiet as she hurries with blurry eyes desperately trying to get away from those eyes glaring at her, seeing through her, filling up her cracks with so much cold. She just wants to go home.
But then she trips and falls, silently screaming as those icy hands manage to grab her feet and drag her back into the void.
It did it again.
The past is hunting her down.
The past never gets tired of playing those chasing games till it gets her.
And it gets her every time…
It’s scary growing up.
It’s like getting lost on your own path, tripping over your own feet, unaware that a part of you changes as you get up after every fall.
One day you just look around, look inside and realize nothing is the same anymore. Somehow you’re able to see the difference, hiding under all the pretending and the lies you chose to believe so that you don’t have to be here at this point. The point where reality hits you that what you take for granted is what eventually kills you. Because what you take for granted is the very same thing that ends up changing, and the worst part is that it doesn’t stop there. It ends up changing you too.
Back to that void, she is trapped in the very tiny distances between the memories she never got over, the emotions she never faced, the lessons she never learned, and the truths she never believed. All the time, she chose to convince herself she did the opposite of all that only to find herself reaching a dead end, because not a single step forward can be taken now without so many steps back, back into everything she left unresolved.
And with all the help you could get, still you find so many things you have to face by yourself because how can you talk about them to someone when you can’t talk about them to yourself? How do you say them out loud and expect them to have any meaning when they already make no sense in your head? How do you explain-even to someone who might already know it-how you changed so much to the extent that you’re not sure who you are anymore, that you can’t yet face the fact that you’re so different from the person you’ve always believed yourself to be?
What’s the thing with growing up?
It seems more like repeating your mistakes till you get so fed up with yourself, rather than learning from them after a time or two.
It seems more like living up to the expectations you list for yourself so people would love you, rather than truly believing in the beauty of who you are and living up to it regardless of people’s judgments.
It seems more like living in the shadow of your mistakes and others’, rather than forgiving them, and you, and letting it go.
It seems more like settling for a life that stops you in your tracks and takes you down with every bump along the way, rather than a life lived to the fullest, enjoying the good more than, or even as much as getting affected with the bad.
So seriously what’s the thing with growing up?! Because it actually seems more like growing apart, apart from the things we love most, from the people who mean the most to us, and sometimes apart from ourselves.
What’s the thing with today’s world?! This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. It shouldn’t be so hard to find someone to trust or to trust ourselves. It shouldn’t hurt to put our faith in people because all they do is let us down. It shouldn’t consume all of our strength not to let ourselves stop caring that it eventually hurts like hell to care.
And what’s the thing with people breaking bonds till the very last thread that ties them to others?! It shouldn’t be so hard not to betray, or fail, or lie to someone you love. It shouldn’t be so hard to keep your promises, to mean what you say and to take responsibility for your actions. And it shouldn’t be so easy to break someone’s heart.
Where did she go wrong?
She’s seen the worst of people who got the best of her and yet it was never enough.
She’s been through things that hurt her to the point that she’s starting to question everything she was once certain about, including herself. And no words can describe the amount of pain you have to deal with when you can’t accept to let this change what’s left unchanged in you, when you have to fight to be able to love, to trust, to believe, to hope, to try, to dream, and to care without being so scared of the consequences.
It’s scary growing up with all those hearts turning cold.
It’s scary growing up when you look at an old picture of you and you almost can’t recognize yourself, when you look at an old picture with your family and you miss how enjoyable it was to spend time with them, when you look at an old picture with your friends and your heart aches at how distant you’ve become.
It’s scary when you know some chapters in your story have ended so soon, and others, God knows when they will just reach an ending.
And all the bridges that you burned, the fire still lingers in your veins.
And all the memories that haunt you, they got you running wild in circles.
And in the middle of such chaos a question remains unchanged: Are you strong, as vulnerable as you are?
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Shobhna Kanwar


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