Today it’s been 3 weeks since I last heard from you. Is this really it? Is this really the end? Have we finally ended? We decided to stay as friends, because severing ties completely was just too painful to contemplate. But you just left. No explanation, no word, no goodbye. You just left. Did you ever stop to wonder what this would do to me? How I would think or feel? That I would need answers or that I have feelings or needs? You make me so angry, because you are so selfish. You only think about yourself. Yet, my anger towards you is suppressed and held down.
I cannot feel anger towards you, instead I turn that anger inwards and become increasingly sad. I just feel sad, that the man I love, the man I would sacrifice so much for, doesn’t feel the same about me. This man doesn’t think I deserve an explanation of any kind, as he just leaves. Yet really, I don’t know what this man thinks, or what he feels or what he is going through.
Sometimes, I imagine you to be feeling the same excruciating pain, that you are a real life modern Romeo, with no interest in life, just being sad about your life and the way it’s turned out. But maybe you’re not sad at all. Maybe, you haven’t said anything because I’m not important to you at all. Maybe I’m just one of many and you’ve moved on, you didn’t bother to respond or explain because it meant nothing or very little to you. The truth is, I don’t know, because you haven’t said.
It’s probably very unhealthy to imagine the reasons for the way you have reacted, because the truth is, unless you tell me, I will never know. I know what I need to do to move on. I need to make a list of all your negative traits and all the things I disliked about you. But for now, I want to imagine that my real life Romeo is just as sad as I am.
I want to imagine that my Romeo didn’t contact me because contacting me would have meant that we have reached the end, and he doesn’t want it to end. Whatever it is, that we have left, we are both hanging on to it, for dear life, my Romeo and I. For now, as unhealthy as it is, I need to believe this as the truth. I’m not interested in seeing that he has moved on, or that he’s happy. I want to believe that he’s as unhappy as I am.
Does this make me selfish? Maybe it does. I question if I want him to be unhappy, and I don’t. Not really. I want him to move on, but without moving on. I don’t want him to forget me. I want him to love me forever. Is it possible to move on, without really moving on? Is it possible to love me forever ? Please don’t replace me with anyone else ever.