3. It’s All About What He Wants
There’s a stage toddlers can hit where they feel entitled to anything they want, and to everyone doing exactly what they want the instant they want it – and, if it doesn’t happen, they throw a temper tantrum because it’s not fair. They kick and scream and they hate you, you’re evil and they hate you, and in that moment they don’t seem to remember that you’re a kind parent and that they ever had any love for you at all. It can be an annoyance or, in hindsight, even amusing.
The consensus among experts is that abusers never emotionally matured past that stage. Except that they are adults, smart and strong and violent like adults, and their temper tantrums, their revenge, are far from amusing. They’re terrifying. And can be very, very dangerous.
I saw my abuser be completely outraged any time something didn’t go the way he wanted. Be absolutely furious anytime someone refused to do what he wanted. It was an injustice, an insult which couldn’t be tolerated and had to be punished at once. It was something he was entitled to that was being denied to him, which was unacceptable.
4. Disproportionate Reactions
You might have witnessed your abuser react with insane rage and temper tantrums to minor issues. My abuser, for instance, was completely unable to tolerate not getting his way in any occasion, no matter how irrelevant:
Once, he told me, his girl wanted to visit a different place than he did: he was furious, drove like a madman with her on his motorcycle to frighten her, then abandoned her alone in the place and left, never to talk to her again.
Once, his friends wanted to stay in one place and he wanted to leave: he threw a fit and stomped away to walk all the way back, forcing them all to leave and chase after him.
Once, a song he didn’t like was playing in a club and, when he wasn’t allowed to change it, he stormed off in a rage.
Once, he was given notice that he would be let go from a job he’d had for two months: he ranted for days about insane plans to destroy the business, verbally abused his staff and dumped me because, he said, ‘someone had to pay’.
Once, he wanted sex and I wanted to sleep a bit longer: he started sulking and complaining that it wasn’t fair he had to wait…
Your abuser truly believes he is entitled to get anything he wants, whenever he wants, and if he doesn’t – that’s unfair. You are taking away something he feels he is owed. And that makes him furious, and he has every right to punish you.
You have to do what he wants, or else.
And that, to him, is perfectly normal.