Are you in one of those toxic relationships, where your partner blames you all the time, and even for things that are not at all your fault? Well then, chances are you are dating a hijackal.
โItโs all your fault!โ No matter what is happening you hear โItโs all your fault.โ Even, if you werenโt there, itโs somehow all your fault.
Maybe, it is. Maybe, you are absolutely incompetent, incapable, and unworthy in every way. But, itโs not likely all your fault.
For one thing, you would never have opened this post if it really was all your fault!
When someone blames you for everythingโthe things that could be your fault and all the things that are their fault, tooโyou begin to expect to be blamed. Then, you move on to actually believing you are that messed up person that s/he says you are. And, thatโs not true. It is NOT true.
Many of these people who are continuous fault-finders have Hijackal behaviors that include blaming everyone. I coined the term โHijackal™โ to keep everyone away from using clinical terms for things they are unfamiliar with. Thatโs dangerous.
Hijackals are people who hijack relationships, for their own purposes, while relentlessly scavenging them for power, status, and control.
Does that sound like the person whoโs blaming you all the time?
So why is your partnerโor parentโa โblame machine?โ
There are two big reasons that Hijackals blame so readily.
Here Is Why Your Partner Blames You Even When It’s Not Your Fault
1) Hijackals actually lack self-awareness.
They behave in ways that are socially inappropriateโeven self-defeatingโbut they donโt know that. They are unconscious of it. Itโs all they know to do. This doesnโt excuse their behavior, but it does explain their behavior.
When they were little, they had people or circumstances in their lives that caused them to create these coping behaviors in order to survive emotionally. In some cases, it was also in order to survive physically. They often began solidifying these behaviors before they even had language. Instinctively, they figured out how to manageโฆin unhealthy ways, but enough to seem to keep themselves safe.
You can have compassion for them. Itโs not something they chose to live from, or even now, actively choose to behave from. Itโs all they know.
HOWEVER, have compassion for them, BUT do not condone or enable their behaviors. Thatโs where your learning lies: in how to do that while restoring yourself to emotional health, too.
Related: 5 Types of Narcissistic Blame Shifting
2) Hijackals lack adaptation.
They lack the abilityโand the willingnessโto see their behaviors, AND the ability to change them. They can only operate from their side: whatโs in it for me. First, itโs very difficult to change a behavior that you will not allow yourself to think about for a nanosecond that you haveโฆespecially one that is distressing to another person. So, it must be that other personโs fault!
Hijackers lack empathy. They know about it, and theyโll mimic it when they really want something from you. But, they donโt have genuine empathy: the ability to put themselves in anotherโs shoes and have a sense of what they are feeling.
Whew! You might have thought that your Hijackal was stubborn and unwilling to see what youโre on about it. Itโs true, AND, they donโt have the ability to feel what that might be like for you. Couple that with their lack of self-awareness, and now you have the equation.
Everything that happens must be your fault because they are incapable of makingโand therefore, incapable of owningโa mistake. It would devastate them to the core to consider that was possible. And, because of that, itโs you at faultโฆof course!
Whatโs next once you realize this?
Itโs up to you. When you work with me, our first step is to help you get some emotional distance and perspective to see yourself and the relationship with the Hijackal differently and clearly. You move through learning about yourself first. When that is working well, I guide you to use strategies that are most likely to work with your particular Hijackal. You practice those and we tweak them to see what changes are possible. Once thatโs done, you are ready to make decisions about your relationship.
So, if youโre hearing โItโs all your fault,โ and hearing โItโs all your faultโ once more is going to push you over the edge, itโs time for something different. Learn how to respond effectively to โItโs all your faultโ once and for all.
Related: Beware Of Projection: A Blame-Shifting Tactic Of The Extreme Narcissist
Start by joining my Closed Facebook group, Optimize Life! Itโs so important for you to know youโre not alone, and youโll see members from all corners of the globe experiencing just what youโre experiencing.
Letโs talk soon.
ยฉ Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, The Relationship Help Doctor
Originally appeared on Forrelationship.com
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