If Only – Mind Talk

What happens when both worlds collide? What happens when all you knew was there in your heart has to come out? What happens when what you’ve been trying to hide betrays you and becomes the most obvious truth?

She tried hard to fight it. It felt wrong, but sometimes it felt like it’s the only right thing left. That’s why it was too hard to escape it. All roads led her to know deep down in her heart that if she was able to hide her feelings and her thoughts from everyone, all could fall in the trap except for him. He was her remedy. He could save her from herself with just one look in her eyes. Why? Because everything that bothers her reflects differently in his eyes. She sees something different, something that soothes her soul.

There is a moment when, people say, you listen to what your heart is really telling you, and in such moments you have to be crazy enough to follow it. But she was not crazy. Neither was he. No, not in this way at least. Because who would leave the world he chose to live and chase a hazy world of possibly misunderstood feelings?

She loved him, but not in the way she knows love. It was of a different kind. That’s what made her doubt that it would ever be right. And him, he’s hard to understand when it comes to this. How could she know if he’s lying to her or lying to himself? How could she be sure that she’s not causing him pain? How could she know that he’s not hiding what’s in his heart because it’s what he’s best at?

No, don’t get her wrong. She sees through him, she touches his soul. But the moment he starts surrendering to the feeling, he runs. He hides behind his bittersweet words. He lets her go, again and again…

She knows better though, and he does too. They always come back to each other. Every path leads them back to the sweet spot where their souls are understood. However, their wild hearts can never be tamed.

To him, she might seem like the hardest thing to catch, the only force he can’t fight, the sparkling eyes before which his heart melts and his thoughts travel beyond his control. He was never sure what it meant, those feelings he had for her. Could it be that he doubted them because they were so true that they scared him? Could it be that he wasn’t strong enough to pour what has always been in his heart? Could it be that she was like a star, that no matter how close you are to such a beautifully bright star, once you think of getting even a bit closer, it unintentionally burns you? Or could it be that no matter how much she means to him, it’s always going to stay at the borders, never passing to the core of true love?

She remembers the days when she first thought of him this way, she remembers feeling grabbed by something so powerful that she couldn’t comprehend, and she remembers that it felt like he was the one who pulled her even if he didn’t know it. Sometimes she even secretly blamed him for it, and sometimes she blames herself because maybe she walked out first, just maybe…

But it just felt right back then, she was hanging and she was afraid to get him involved in her messed up need for affection after she was carelessly let down for so long.

What do you do when you’re standing in front of a choice, and you’re not sure if you let it pass you by that you might ever run into it again? What do you do when you don’t know what the days would bring you but you wish you had any idea so that you can figure out what to do at this very moment?

If only he knew…

If only he felt the very unfamiliar things he does to her heart. If only he understood her when it came to him. If only he understood himself. If only he knew how she sees him walking along with her, or looking at her lost in thought of how one person can make you go crazy, can make you feel things and see things that could never be with anybody else no matter how beautiful or amazing, because they would never be in her one of a kind beauty, they could never have an essence like hers, and they could never look at the world the way she does.

If only he knew that if he just walked in her footsteps, he’d be trapped forever in the clarity of what it was always supposed to be, of what they were meant to be…

And oh… if only she knew…

• Nada Mohamed

You can follow more of her works
on her blog – Attraversiamo
or her Facebook Page  – Little Things 

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