The Secret Of Love

“She remembered who she was and the game changed.” – Lalah Deliah

Brené Brown says that we can only feel love from others in the same equivalence as we love ourselves.

When I first heard this, it took me back and made me think, what if people really did love me? What if I’m the one who doesn’t love me?

I knew the latter was true, I had forgotten how to love myself a long time ago. My focus along the way had become, how do I become someone others want to be around. By doing so, I completely missed my inherent lovability.

Other people were loving the heck out of me but I wasn’t loving me.

This was a life changing realization for me. Maybe for some people it is obvious, but to me, I had never really seen true self-love.

I had seen self-indulgence and self-care.

But to love myself truly, that was something entirely different.

The Old Voice and Shame

The voice in my head that used to talk non-stop said things like…

I suck.

I should have known better.

I’m so awful at this, I am an idiot!

God, how do I make it through a day, I can’t do anything right.

I’m worthless.

These thoughts swam through my head like molasses, always leaving a sticky trail of self-hate behind.

I had so much shame.

That burning pain that I was not good enough and would never be good enough.

It is similar to guilt, with one small difference.

Guilt is something you can use to better yourself.

Shame is something you use to destroy yourself.

I lived the majority of my life in shame spiral after shame spiral.

Why can’t I just figure out what is wrong with me?

The more I hated myself, the more I needed to cling to others for love.

I couldn’t figure out how to love myself, so I wanted to find love in others. I wanted others to love me so that I could know what love felt like.

It took me a lot of rejection, a lot of hurt and a lot of suffering to finally learn why it felt like nobody loved me…I didn’t love myself.

I had no idea how to love myself. All I had ever done was be critical of myself.

Then I learned the most important thing, we can only feel love from others in the same equivalence as we love ourselves.

Other people were loving the heck out of me, but I wasn’t loving me.

Since I had never allowed myself to pause and be proud of myself and all that I had achieved, I didn’t know what those emotions felt like.

Have you ever gotten to your goal and instead of feeling pride or accomplishment, you think of all the ways you could have done better?

I know I have been guilty of not giving myself the love and praise I deserved.

I was reminded this week that we can be proud of ourselves regardless of the outcome of our endeavors.

If we use everything as a learning opportunity versus a stopping point, I think that is something to be proud of in itself.

I invite you do take a second and just imagine what being proud and loving yourself feels like.

What would it take to make you feel proud of yourself, to love yourself?

What if you were always proud of where you are because you know you are always doing your best?

The New Voice and Love

The new voice that I have been introducing says things like…

I am worthy of love no matter what.

I am enough.

I did my best.

I will do my best again tomorrow.

I have got this!

We get to decide the thoughts we listen to daily.

Do we want to listen to the ones that are holding us back or do we want to take a chance and listen to the ones telling us that we can do anything?