It is both strange and comforting to be writing about that particular period. Everyone knows that physical time is simply a physical time. It is how things happen, how things change and how much impact that determines space between past and present. And in this context, it does feel distant, but the realities born of this past still accompany me after all these years. I suppose they always will.
All of a sudden, the flood of memories came. The years…those long years are parading, grandly marching before my eyes. One afternoon was just a beginning when I finally found myself in a car, sitting behind. And just sitting behind had produced an awareness. Every line of his body, every movement of his- had set off a deep pulsing within me. The air wouldn’t seem to find my lungs no matter how deeply I breathed in. Hot, syrup seemed to replace my blood.
It was an uncomfortable stretched of silence, I just sighed- an enormous effort to relieve the tension. I looked at him staring out the windshield. The low bass beat of the radio reverberated inside the car and up into my ribs.
I dropped my head back against the seat, staring out the window, watching the sights, the place laid green and vibrant, freshened by the afternoon’s rain that rinsed the August sky to a watercolor blue.
Each afternoon when the sky was showing signs of sunset, I could smell the Earth’s scent. The tangy elusive scent and the unique scent- his scent that filled my nostrils and teased my senses.
I was just beginning a period of discovery, perhaps at eighteen, the world is tremendous to everyone. It certainly was to me. Every time I ventured out, I found patterns: patterns of billiards, for strangers at the subway, patters for the clinking of silverware during a patterned meal, pattern of the intervening patches of the sandy beaches- stained with a rosy gold sunset, when the very air hummed with the buzz of insects, the pattern of the stars being motionless in the dark blue sky and all that.
Yes, I’d always love that handsome face with clear, tanned skin that always looked freshly scrubbed. Highlighted by the dash lights, his nose, lips, and forehead formed an attractive silhouette. I knew in my heart that he felt my every lovely gaze.
I didn’t know how it happened but I just found myself being with him one day- enjoying each moment. What was the catalyst that paved a quicker path to be together? Maybe that’s what they called a coming together of like temperaments in an unlikely world. And since then, as I remember correctly, I used to go out with him once, twice, thrice…many times. Having a cup of coffee together, strolling in the quiet City, midnight chats and have one hell of a time and BOOM! He was gone and that triggered the memories and the start of an abject hell in my life.
I still see him. I always do. I still remember every detail- everything.
I still remember the first time I have set my eyes on him. It was the happiest time of my life. And even until now, when I look into his eyes, it says everything. He is so adorable and those beautiful eyes still terrify me. It scares me of falling in love with him over and over again.
I still remember that whenever I was with him, he reminded me of Richard Dean Anderson, in his character as MacGyver- smart, rugged, gentleman and handsome but afraid of a commitment.
I see him in every sip of champagne and a cup of coffee I smell each morning.
I see how he pretend not to notice me when I lovely gaze into his eyes. And that’s my favorite picture of him.
I see every detail of his beautiful handsome feature.
I see how his eyes deepened into an endless beauty each time I touch his heart.