I hope I could be a better me, for you…

“I hope you love me like I love you;

I hope you feel for me like I feel for you;

I hope you need me like I need you;

I hope you want me like I want you;

I hope you miss me like I miss you;

I hope you think of me like I think about you;

I hope you want to hug me like I want to hug you;

I hope you want to talk to me like I want to talk to you;

I hope you dream of me like I dream of you;

I hope you crave for me like I crave for you;

I hope you care for me like I care for you”.

And then suddenly I realized, Shit! I am hoping for all these and it’s pointless, isn’t it? Yes, it is…Hope is a feeling of expectation or desire for something, and expectations and desires always hurt.

I love you, I really do and I know it’s kinda futile, because I know you are a lot better than me and it won’t be wrong if I say you are the definition of the best (I don’t mean this in a self-pity kind of way, it’s the truth of the matter) but the thing is I really can’t really help holding on to the hope that possibly maybe there’s a chance that you could maybe love me too.

There’s a cold feeling in my chest and that feeling really makes me tremble whenever I think of you and my mind whispers, do you really care for me the way I do? I don’t know but I really want to say I crave you in the most honorable form, I crave to say goodnight and give you the best forehead kisses every night, and I really want to adore you when you feel at your worst, when you feel anxious, when you feel lonely; but I really don’t know how to do it.

I lie awake at night, almost every night just thinking of you; and I can’t change this, I tried harder (never tried the hardest as I knew it won’t help too) not to but can’t help it as the things remained unchanged…I want to make my life by choosing the right person everyone wants the same; I’m so enamoured with the idea of becoming yours; I’m so enamoured with the idea of being next to you whenever you need me;  

I want to confess something; I want to say sorry;

I’m sorry that I always, regularly, constantly want to talk to you; I’m sorry that I get sad when you take long to reply;

I’m sorry if sometimes I say things that piss you off even if I don’t want to; I’m sorry that I want you to talk to me as much as I want to talk to you; I’m sorry that I think about you all the day and night, the way too much and too often. I’m sorry that sometimes I tell about my problems and make you sad; I’m sorry for being clingy sometimes, but it’s because…I care for you and I’ll always do no matter what.

Sometimes I say that I just want you to be happy but deep inside in my heart I want to be your happiness; I wish I could give you my feelings just for a moment just to make you understand that how strong it is…and

“I hope one day you give your heart to someone, who’ll hold it so tight as if it’s his own;

I hope one day you wake up next to someone, someone to live for;

I hope one day you hug someone and in those arms, you’ll feel the safest

I hope one day you meet someone who makes you realize how beautiful you truly are”

Hope is desire; desire is to wish; the wish is what you want; what you want you don’t get and what you get you don’t want and this is what life is all about…