I don’t want a Daughter

I have a lot of insecurities and fears.
I am afraid of enclosed places. I am afraid of being ignored and taken for granted. I am afraid of missing the chance to be a better version of myself. I am afraid of hearing bad news. I am afraid of not making any sense to other human beings. I am afraid of waking up the next day with no friends and family.

And most of all in my life I am afraid to have a daughter.

I am afraid of all the nights she will slam the door of her room and lock into. I am afraid of all the nights she will spent crying, staring to the ceiling with one hand covering her mouth , so that I won’t hear the noise. I am afraid of all these boys who will make her feel like she is not enough, as if she is not beautiful, smart or popular enough. I am afraid of people who will break her heart and I am afraid that she will never tell me, although , first and foremost, I will be her friend and only then a mother. I am afraid that she will ever think about suicide. I am even more afraid that she will even try and than she will start hiding her scars from me as she hides her secrets too. I am afraid that she will not be self-confident enough, that she will worry about her weight or height, body hair or stretchmarks and therefore, she will believe that she is not beautiful. I am afraid that she will try to hide her pain, she will try to smoke or drink it away but never talk about it loudly.

I am afraid that she will be a victim of “cat calling” and will receive malicious stares,touch and words. I am afraid she will experience monthly period pains and the agony of pregnancy and giving birth.

I am afraid…….

I am afraid, because that is something her mother went through once.

I don’t want HER to experience these.

So, I don’t want a daughter.

From Rode